I AM COLLEEN.
I'm Colleen.
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Tuesday, July 06, 2004
lonely
music: {placebo - "every you, every me"}
this is by far my favorite song in the entire world. if you don't know placebo, than i suggest you look them up, and listen to this song. because... it is phenomenal. i absotively posolutely adore it. it is without a doubt the most fabulous song ever.
Carve your name into my arm.
Instead of stressed, I lie here charmed.
'Cause there's nothing else to do,
Every me and every you.
i think i have reached the edge, and i am not yet fully over it. i really... really really do miss tom. it's driving me insane. i can't effiing concentrate, not like i actually need to concentrate on something. i've got not a care in the world anymore, school's over... no more tests, no more homework, and procrastination has taken it's course. i'm not reading those two books til i know for sure that i'm moving. i don't like being pressured into reading something...
but back to the matter at hand, i want tom. i want to have his arms around me, i need to feel his breath on my neck, i just need to see him. i need my heart to take flight again.
you're all probably thinking... what an eff ing whiny bizwitch. and i agree, i'm whiny, and i'm annoying... i'm a horrible, horrible person. but wtf can i do about it?
damnit... i'm driving myself down the loony road. come on and hitch a ride, you know you so want to be put into a mental institute.
i really do miss tom...
here's an effing survey, cause i'm a freak like that.
this survey was made by Mack. he's a secksy beast, lol ;) i heart you, mack.
About You:
*Phobias: large dogs, heights, small spaces, crowded areas, falling down stairs, wigs/toupes, confrontation, public speaking.
*Peeves: hypocrites, racists, politicians, when people chew with their mouth open, swearing in unnecessary moments, people that feel way to comfortable showing off their body... to an extent that can be considered "conceited"
*Weaknesses: too many to list.
*Strengths: haven't found any yet.
*Obsessions: the british, vampires, paranormal stuff, yoga, greek mythology, reading, writing, movies
*Guilty Pleasures: canyons {little indents on the lower part of a guys abdomen/pelvis.. you know what i'm talking about} boxers, sarcasm, british accents, men & men action, preferably two emo/g0th guys making out, profanity when used in the right moments... la la la la
*Turn ons: pretty much everything i just listed in "Guilty Pleasures" lol
*Turn offs: i never really pay attention to that stuff. i'd say... a lack of a sense of humor, a very large ego, and stupidity.
*Material Possessions you cannot live without: tom's bracelet, my black safety pin zippie sweater, my glasses, my cds and cd player, my digi camera, my toe rings and toe thong {i love them, they make the most hideous part of the human body look relatively pretty}
*Past Lovers: none
*Present Lover(s): i'm not sure what to call tom, but i'll put him down here anyways, cause i'm super like that ;P
*Enemies: i don't think i have any.
*Allies: pretty much everyone that i meet and like.
*Flaws: everything
*Perks: i'll do anything to make you laugh, or at least make you feel comfortable around me. i try hard to be friendly ;)
List Five {or less} People:
*that you love to hear speak about things: myke ott, amber piz, mike g, tom, ari
*that you love to hug: tom, brittykins, mike, jaime, and... older sis?
*that you love to kiss: tom =D
*that you loathe w/ your entire soul: hmm... momma.
*that you wouldn't mind banging: roflmfao, do i really have to answer this? i don't... i don't ever have the urge to "bang" somebody. and if i do, i don't tell who it is. durf.
*that you secretly fantasize about: now, let's be smart here. if i tell you, it wouldn't be a secret, would it? ~_o
*that you have screwed: haha nobody
*that you have hurt: a lot of people, i think
*that you currently have locked in your closet: marylin , colin farrel, brandon boyd, jason lee, and mack ;)
*that will most likely succeed in life: brittykins, tom, mike, ari, and alex.
*that will fail: myself, my older sister, alexis from angel care, and whoever.
*that will find love easily: i don't know... it doesn't take long to love alex. or jaime. no i think jaime. jaime wont have any problem finding love.
*that will have difficulty finding love: a lot of people that i know.
*that you have tied up with rope and/or handcuffed: mike to tom ~_o {this is if a plastic jumprope counts lol}
*that you sympathize: a lot of people.
*that you envy: i don't want to say...
*that you idolize: brandon boyd, shut up, the man is a true and genuine artist. they don't get any more pure than him. and if you cannot see that, than "ignorant" would be a compliment.
*that are better than you at something: everyone
*that are smarter than you: a lot of people.
*that are less intelligent than you: some people.
*that have hurt you deeply: i don't want to say...
*that will most likely become a : lol, mack, you HAD to put this in there. ari... definately ari ;D
*that will most likely take their own life: i never thought about that...
*that you love unbelievably: tom, brittykins, some other people. a lot of people actually.
Do you...: {feel free to elaborate}
*Love easily?: no. not at all. it takes a lot steal my heart.
*Hate yourself?: pretty much, yes.
*Hate others?: not specifically, but humanity in general, hell yes.
*Sacrifice small farm animals to an unknown god?: every thursday night.
*Worship the a false idol?: i have rejected the false idol i was once forced to worship.
*Smear chocolate frosting all over yourself and dance to madonna's classicc?: oh yes, all the time.
*Toss and turn in your sleep?: not a lot, but yea i guess.
*Get along with people?: yea they seem to like me.
*Like being around crowds?: no, i strongly dislike it.
*Enjoy meeting new people?: sure, why not?
*Have unsafe with inanimate objects?: you mean that's bad?
*Keep your promises?: i try hard to do so.
*Love me?: yes, mack, i adore you ;P
Have you ever...: {feel free to elaborate}
*Smoked a ciggie or roll-up?: not that i am conscious of.
*Loitered in a non-loitering zone?: yesh.
*Broken a mirror?: i think so.
*Broken a law?: not really. vandalizing public property isn't a big law is it?
*Killed a badger?: no, badgers kick ass.
*Made out with the same gendre?: i dreamt about it, thought about it, didn't mind the thought, but hey, what difference does it make?
*Made out with the opposite gendre?: yes! :D
*Used words that you don't know in order to sound intelligent?: i don't need to do that. i don't ever try to sound intelligent. but it happens anyway. lol that's why the assistant principal ms fiedler loves me.
*Prayed to God?: when i was younger and more naive
*Prayed to ?: possibly
*Woken up with a stranger?: i wake up with myself every morning, and i consider myself a stranger, so that is a yes to your question.
*Read the dictionary for fun?: my mom yells at me because i do it too much...
*Pretended to be from a foreign country in a store just to confuse people?: no, i've always wanted to try it though. i was going to with my cousin, but we couldn't figure out whether we should swedish or czechoslovacian, we were 12 at the time. lol.
*Had a long conversation with a wrong-number caller?: YES! it was so effiing funny. this person thought i was a named liz, who happened to be pregnant at a young age. i went along with it for about 10 minutes, then my parents asked who i was talking to. then i had to hang up.
*Clicked on all those viagra advertisements to actually apply?: no, mack, i don't need viagra. my trouser-snake works fine all by itself ;x
oh well, take this survey, it'll be fun.
Colleen
Posted at 06:36 pm by crows_vein
Monday, July 05, 2004
pragmatistic parental units
sobbing
music: {cold play - "yellow"} <~ shut up, you know you secretly adore this band...
i have not updated lately...i've just been too... too whatever. there really isn't a word for how i've been feeling. just a mixture of everything, i guess.
i don't even remember what i did on saturday. not a clue. just hung around the house i guess, loitered. vegetated mostly. all i remember is that i talked on the phone with brittykins for a while at night. yes, we discussed a lot of random things, we did. it was interesting, it was fun. we didn't really have much to talk about, i talked a lot, which i didn't enjoy. i don't like hearing myself speak. it's not cool.
we established the fact that the word "chihuaha" is very very entertaining to say. whoo, and it is. you know you love it, don't lie to yourself. o__o
then after we said our adieus, i went to go watch a flick with the 'rents. Somethings Gotta Give. watching this movie with them sparked an argument that went on forever.. how large should the age difference gap be when it comes to serious relationships? i say that it doesnt matter how large the gap is, just how serious the love is. hopeless romantic over here. so sue me.
my father said there's gotta definitely be a limit. so does my mom. go figure. a bunch of realists and pragmatists they are. they've no sense of romance, even if it requires defying the rules of humanity. okay yea, so a 90 year old and a 20 year old. wow what's wrong with that? i mean yes, i would have a problem if one of the persons is a minor less than 18, and the other is like...what....70? that is where i draw the line.
but in the case of the movie, a 63 year old man and a 29 year old woman are going out. wtf is wrong with that? it's emotion, and if it floats your boat, then by all means... carry on with the lovin'. then the 36 year old doctor went out with the... old woman. i forgot how old she was. i don't say anymore than 65. so there's nothing wrong with that! my parents are... stuck in their fixed world of limitation. blah, then after the movie, i went to bed. nothing fun there.
then yesterday came up. the 4th of july. whoo, that's fun. no actually, it sucked. my mom kept on yelling at me because i didn't have a patriotic spirit. yea okay, so i'm not proud of being an american. you cant blame me. we're a country full of moronic impudent irrational dickweeds, and she yells at me for being too ignorant. "you should be proud of your country," she tells me. yea... why should it? because pres bush was almost assassinated by a PRETZEL? because pres bush happened to finally find saddam hussein hiding UNDERGROUND? because america is the d0minatrix in the b0ndage-obsessed world of politics, and the only reason we succeed on this earth is because we strike fear into the hearts of vulnerable countries.
yes siree indeedy, i'd rather be australian ;)
my mom forced me to come with her and moira to go look at fireworks at night. we walked around the local elem school and there was a block party in one of the streets, they were setting off the big-ass es. everyone was huddled around... looking up at the pretty lights.
i didn't enjoy it at all. everyone was... holding their lovers. a guy was playing with his friends ear, a was fiddling with her boyfriends fingers. they were hugging, and kissing... and whispering to each other. smiling with bright smiles. kissing one another.
and who was i stuck with? a barely legal mexican and a whiny 5 year old who didn't want to stand up anymore. then kate and kayla drove by and decided to watch the fireworks with us, not much there. they just spent most of the time talking on the side by themselves. me excluded.
yesterday was when i felt i needed tom the most. i saw everyone being happy, and i just felt envious, and yes i admit it, cause i'm all hip like that. i missed him a lot yesterday, it practically drove me to tears. i thought about him a lot while i was watching the fireworks. i dont know... i just felt really alone, i mean... really alone, surrounded by those hideously joyous people.
i really miss him, and i know i'm not going to see him in a very long time. and that just tears me up on the inside.
i just want to hold him... i want to feel his breath on my neck like i did at jaime's little swareé. we were holding each other. his head on my shoulder, mine on his. he was breathing so softly on my neck, nothing -- and i mean nothing --felt better than that.
god... maybe i'm just overreacting. i still think that i'm too young to love, too naive and inexperience to feel so much compassion for one person. especially for another person who evidently just wants us to be a fling. i could tell tom doesn't want a serious thing. i can't blame him.
i just wish i hadn't kissed him. it felt great, yes, but i dont want to get close to somebody unless i know it's got a long-term potentiality. i wouldnt like just having flings, little 2 week relationships. that sickening, throwing yourself around like that. and honestly, considering the detail that i might be moving to texas, i dont think he and i have much potential. if i wasnt moving... if i actually stayed for the 10th grade, there might be a possibility. but i'm not sure anymore. i'm just not ing sure. my dads already starting to look at houses online.
you know how i know that i'm feeling a serious feeling? last night, before i fell asleep, i actually prayed. or at least i tried. i, the person who has strongfully rejected the lord, prayed. i don't know whom i prayed to, but i did it. i just wished to whom ever was listening that we wouldn't move. that my dad wouldnt find a job in texas or any other place. that we would just stay here for another year... a year would be enough. tom's graduating next year, a year is all i need.
there was really no point in doing that, no point in praying. come on, let's be logical.
oh, what ever. good night.
Colleen
Posted at 06:41 pm by crows_vein
Friday, July 02, 2004
nothing out of the ordinary
moody
music: {american hi fi - "flavor of the weak"} <-- don't they mean week? but oh well, its the song.
i'm uptset. damnit, i am. i'm searching around google for cool pictures for my bloggy. but damnit, i've phucking googled til i can't google no more. its annoying. i dont know what photo i'm specifically looking for, but oh well. i'll realize its perfection when i see it.
ooo..but don't you love the new one? it's brandon boyd <3 he's all cool. you cant see his face, but aw well. nothing to worry about. he's still sexy :D i need a little icon, though. i cant find a perfect one. agh i'm bored. off to watch tv or whatever.
that's right, britt. calleth me!
Colleen
Posted at 05:22 pm by crows_vein
Thursday, July 01, 2004
contemplative
music: {ac/dc - "highway to hell"}
well, i had a dream last night. it was very interesting. i dreamt that tom had called my father up while he was at work and asked him his permission to take me out on a date. nutty, huh? so yea, in the dream, my father got to know tom on the phone, with his perfect manners and complementing comments, made my dad eventually let him take me out. it was so great. and the more i think about it, the more and more it seems like a good idea. it does though, doesnt it? i mean... it shows great character, its a perfect gesture of respect, and it demonstrates perfect morals. it would just be so great. it wouldnt work though, dad wouldnt like the little detail that i had recently turned 15, and that tom has been 16 for a while, and is nearing 17. not cool. but wtf, emotion is emotion. it doesnt discriminate amongst the ages. it doesnt restrict itself, people feel no matter what age they are. so calling my dad wouldnt be such a bad idea. it'd save me the humiliation of asking him myself. oh but tom is such the perfect person for my dad. he took computer programming and my dad is a god when it comes to computers. they'd get along real well, speaking in binary, lol. so hey, maybe calling my pop isnt such a bad thing ;x yea, but haha...who would go through all that just to take me out?
but i'm suffering from withdrawal or something... because, i miss everybody. i havent seen any of my friends in almost a week, except for kate. but that doesnt count, because i saw her on monday for only an hour. i miss everybody. its not fun, sitting on my ass. i cant harass brittykins, bestow havoc on the unworthy with ariel, or talk about waffles with mike. i'm bored and alone :|
i miss tom, though, extremely. everything's reminding me of him now. it's phucking crazy. i cant go anywhere without seeing something that makes the thought of him pop in my head. when i went to kates house on monday, she wanted to play hacky sack. hacky sack!! tom's a wizard with hacky sack. its just crazy to watch the guy. the man is sick, wickedly good at the game. he has... he has perfected the art. and that also goes for DDR. we went in her house after playing some hacky sack {which i suck at, btw} and i saw her DDR mat on the floor of her golf room. i saw that and i was just like..."woah, tom." cause he was always dropping DDR dance moves like it was hot during lunch. it was hilarious. him and mike, haha, it turns out, alex lost like 20 lbs due to playing DDR.
then the other day, mom and i went out, and we passed Stop & Shop, and i just grew very upset. i miss tom. its phucking crazy, man. why cant i just be immune to emotion? i hate it so much, and its just got to penalize me for it. DAMN IT.
yea, you know what song was on the radio all day today? "date rape" by sublime. yea, yea thats right. tom was singing that song when school was still in. he and alex did a nice little duet, it was adorable. now, whenever i hear that song, i think of tom. odd though, because its such an obscene song. it might relate to him a little though, him being a hôrny bastard all the time. but i love that song so much, anyways.
~*Well, I can't take pity on men of his kind<---
~*Even though he now takes it in the behind<---
~*DATE RAPE<---
oh well, i'm going to sleep. g'night. love ya britt! just keep smilin'! ...swimming...OH! just keep swimming, just keep swimming, what do you do, you just keep swimming. sorry... yea, g'night.
Colleen
Posted at 06:54 pm by crows_vein
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
cannot wait for i love the 90s
blah
music: {the rembrandts - "i'll be there for you"} <--shut up, i love this song. its a good picker-upper.
i quote my lovely friend, Mack, aka Corndog.
SAVE A HORSE!!
Ride a cowboy.
i'm in the chatroom with a bunch of my old online buddies, lol and we're talking about how we used to lust after *nsync. now... now i'm listening to all my old nsync songs. damnit, jc was sexy...
current music: {nsync - "space cowboy"}
i dont know. brittany hasnt updated her caleida as thoroughly as i'd hoped. i love her, she's like my sister, and i just want to know whats going on with her mom and mike. trust me, no one knows more than i do that its none of my business, but wth, i cant control my curiosity. i'm not going to pry or anything like that... i'm just going to wait it out. i hope nothing goes wrong. britt, good luck with everything, hire a hitman for your mother. i'll do it for free =) brittany and mike are the greatest when they're together. so damned funny.
and i have to admit, if britt and mike never started going out, i wouldnt have enjoyed freshman year. if it wasnt for those two getting together, i wouldnt have met some of the funniest guys in history. mike, alex, tom, and steve. wouldnt have had such a great 6th period lunch.
but i'll stop dwelling over it. im off to watch Will & Grace, toodles to you all.
remember, ride a cowboy ;)
Colleen
ps, i love the 90s airs June 12th, mark it on your calendar!!
Posted at 02:39 pm by crows_vein
Monday, June 28, 2004
okay
music: {incubus - "stellar"}
today did really go by quick, eesh. it seems like just a minute ago, i woke up. now its frickin' 4.30, where did the day go?
oh well... today's nothing special. i'm highly bored. spent most of the time filling out surveys, cause i'm all hip like that.
and britt, yes i did get my report card. GPA: 96. oh yea, whee. *dances* i asked my dad if i could redownload aim, and he said he'll "think about it." i'm going to bother him today about it.
you know... i don't like this. i miss tom. a lot. it's really pissing me off. we really shouldn't have kissed, because i want to see him even more...
i should just stop thinking about him... heres a long survey, enjoy!
clickity
Posted at 01:42 pm by crows_vein
Saturday, June 12, 2004
eating myself some mango. yum. *munch*
have you ever realized on how the Snapple drink "Mango Madness" tastes nothing like mangos? It's like...imitation mango. I bet they don't even put real mangos into the mix.
failures.
i just realized my mom gave me a fork with these mango pieces, and i've been eating them with my fingers the whole time.
eh...
well today wasn't all that fantastic. had to wake up at 8 because i had tutorials at 9. whee hoo. science tutorials. god i people. they're so...obnoxious. the people that were there, were the people that needed the help the most. and they were constantly talking and and whispering. if i wasn't such a shy person, i'd kick them in the face.
and then sit on them.
this fem, her name was sara, i think, kept on flirting with this guy john behind me. personally, i them both, but i wanted to throw my book at her so much. and some kid kept on mocking the teacher. now, i'm don't really fancy ms. rizzo, but it's called being considerate. i told him to shush once, he called me a , i called him an impudent fail, and he shut up.
i felt bad about feeling good off other people's expense, but he deserved it.
anyway, when i got home from 3 hours of science and math, i had lunch with my mother and little sister. sandwhiches, chips, and pickles. wasn't bad. but the neighbor was having a baby shower outside (and still is) and they were watching us. didn't like it all that much.
i having neighbors. privacy is an impossibility.
i've decided that over the summer, i'm going to have to go to stop&shop one day, and bug the hell out of mike, tom and alex. it'd be fun. i'd love it. i'd stand at their cashregisters and scare off their customers by whailing out these random things. like..."THE BRITISH ARE COMING!" or "ALL HALE THE SCANNING MACHINE!"
i'd get myself banned for sure.
:D
well...tomorrow my mom and little sister are going to the movies. either to see garfield or hp3. i want to see both.
i wrote something the other day.
"Charon's Ark"
A kiss became a burn,
and the burn became a blessing.
Fall into the sail, trade in your halo,
skin and bones, anything of war.
Weakened at the sight of madness,
"Bite your tongue, child."
Shall we dance, dance into a lethe?
Skin and bones, anything of war.
Holy flame, upon the candle of sin,
fall into the sail of Charon's boat.
Ravage the sweet, reject the s.
I love this dance, this dance of war.
Wings torn into puling shreds,
you misanthropic piece of wretch,
skin you alive, I shall fall into the sails.
Trade in your masks, bleed away from war.
Frailty entrenching your limbs,
integrity replaced by immortality.
How does it feel to be denied value?
F-ck your little prayers, words of filth.
Into this battle, I will toss you.
Through the fire, you will freeze.
Abandoned halo you shall swing,
and slice the enemy's throat with ease.
Go up against the tide,
salt stings your battle wounds.
Your kiss turns into a scar,
die in peace, recall nothing of this war.
Sweep away the thoughts, the thoughts of malice
The light now overcomes the dark.
Stop this dance, this dance of silence.
Fall into the sails of Charon's boat.
© 2004
Posted at 01:21 pm by crows_vein
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