I AM COLLEEN.
I'm Colleen.
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Sunday, July 11, 2004
upset
music: {placebo - "the crawl"}
yea, well yesterday i mentioned that i went to the mall with the trusty keito. it was fun, up until we went into hot topic {my sanctuary}. i could live in that store, i swear it. but then i reached the t-shirt section... the little plastic cases that they have hanging on the wall... i looked at all the them, and i saw a bunch of ones that tom has ;( his bright orange mushrôom one, the one that says "don't make me go zelda on you," and the one that has "things you learn from playing video games." that made me very very sad...
i dont know, its just... its just tom, you know? no, evidently you don't. i'm such a loser... being reminded of him just by looking at pieces of clothing. how sad is that?
i was going to buy one. yes, i was going to buy the orange "you lose" shirt but i didn't have enough money. i barely had any money, just the gift card for FYE from keito...
i'm so sad now...
bah, on a lighter note, my dad returned last night from canada, CANADA!!! he didn't bring us any souvenirs. i wanted a canadian person ;( well, i'm glad hes back anyways, because my mother was driving me insane, and still is. but he slightly saves me from her contagious mental disorder... oh i'm tired. my eyelids are very heavy...
agh, going to go read some stuff and then maybe take a little nappers. later days, my darlings.
Colleen
PS, moira and i didn't burn the house down last night, whee!
Posted at 12:31 pm by crows_vein
Saturday, July 10, 2004
alan ruck's son on qu33r eye? + edit
amused
music: {my chemical romance - "i'm not okay (i promise)"}
i adore this song =)
blah so... what to update on? hmm...
OH! i just watched my very first episode of Eye For The Straight Guy. it was so effing funny.
it was the one with the beach bum and his monthly night. i loved it, positively loved it.
they're so very awesomely hilarious, i heart the fab five. i would love for them to give my dad a make over... just so i could meet them :D that'd be so effing great.
did any of you people ever notice that kyan douglas -- the one with the uber-hair dryer -- looks like cameron from ferris bueller's day off? {the actors name is alan ruck}
This is Alan Ruck (younger)...
And this is Kyan Douglas.
that's not one of his better photos, you have to see him in the show, and then, only then, you shall compare. yea i'm a loser. all i know is that kyan douglas is a cutie :D
todays not going to be much of a day. dads coming back from canada later {and i mean later} tonight. its saturday, i'm highly bored out of my mind. i'll probably call keito and wonder if she wants to hang. she lives close, shes the only one of my friends {if you dont count amber} that my mom actually kind of likes. my mom adores amber... shes so very well behaved. you know what she told me when i had her over for my "birthday"? she said "oh, colleen, you can learn a lot from amber."
so yes, theres a possibility that i will be disowned and they will adopt amber after they have successfully killed her parents...
oh well. yea i'm gonna go sleep. its like...1.30, but i'm tired. later days.
Colleen
***More Stuff To Add***
NO MOOD
music: {placebo - "you don't care"}
it ish now 6 pm, and i'm home. yes britty i'm babysitting, and not happy about missing ze parade.
at around 2, keito called and asked if i could go with her to bayshore mall. my mom didnt like the idea because she wanted to make sure i was back in time to babysit. 2 hours would be enough. kates mom talked her into it, and we went for a while. i bought the placebo cd "without you i'm nothing." listening to it now. pretty good. i loves it. some interesting lyrics that arent as well thought as i'd expect. we got pretzels and lemonade and then went on our way. i love kates mom, she's so effing cool. i wish kate would stop treating her so badly. kate swears with her all the time and calls her mean things, and just gives her a horrible attitude. she shouldnt do what with company, i mean, its very inconsiderate. but oh well.
eh so anyways mom went out to go take an english test for english education or whatever the hell at 4, and i'm stuck with my little sister. she's learning how to use the remote control for the television, and she changed it some movie on iO and it was a bad...BAD scene for her little eyes to perceive. i think it was american pie 2, or something in that region. i yelled at her and put the control where she couldnt reach it. in my closet ;P
i dont know what i'm supposed to make for her for dinner... we have absolutely nothing to eat. maybe i'll order pizza. she'll love that. i'm not going to eat, once again, i'm not hungry.
mother fureakin' son of a wench... she turned off the cable box. toodles.
Colleen
Posted at 10:30 am by crows_vein
Friday, July 09, 2004
down by the broken tree house
at peace
music: {sixpence none the richer - "kiss me"} <~ do not deny the fact that you absolutely adore this song...
Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight.
Lead me out on the moonlit floor.
Lift your open hand.
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance,
Silver moon's sparkling.
So kiss me.
Kiss me down by the broken tree house.
Swing me upon its hanging tire.
Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat.
We'll take the trail marked on your father's map.
eh, so today's not going to be a big day. moira and mom left to her swimming lessons, i'm currently home alone, walking around in nothing but a shirt and my panties ;) haha. you know you so want to see me in my unmentionables ;x
i don't know what we're doing today. probably just hanging around the house. around 4 or 5 is that parade thing that brittykins invited me to. i called her last night and told her i couldnt make it because i have to babysit. apparently my mom has an appointment to legalize her citizenship and take college courses... i dont wtf it is. but she had to wait to tell me when someone actually invited me to hang out with them. impeccable timing, is it not? have fun brittykins :D and if you go to Stop & Shop tell tom and mike that i say hello, please. thankies :D
i'm loving this toga... tiz secksy...
anywho... at 8 o'clock tonight mom, moira, keito and i are going to the free screening of "Rugrats Go Wild." i never saw it, but i want to. honestly, no not really, i couldnt care less whether i see that flick or not. i just know that we're going to be outside in the dark eating pizza. that's enough serenity for me.
yea, so we're taking keito with us, because last time i was all alone... it almost drove me insane. now i've got katelyn to harass :D
i'm having some serious difficulty continuing this "novel" of mine. not only is the storyline completely different than my usual genre, i've decided to do something that i am most likely going to fail at.
now, previously, for any of the other stories i have written in my past, i prepared so much. i set everything up. i listed all the different literary devices that will be found, i've briefly summarized the setting, elaborated on the characters... created heartfelt biographies on them. i've set everything up before. and i guess i just spent so much time preparing, that i wore myself out so much that i grew too tired to write the actual story. haha...
so now, i've made a decision. this time, i'm only going to write small biographies of my characters. and that is all i'm doing for this potentially failing "novel" of mine. heh if this is ironic enough for you, i have planned to wing it.
i've done this before. i've made vows saying that i wont go all out in preparation for a story, but then the story always turns out to be less than crap.
the title of this book-in-process is VODKA: Male Strîppers & A New Neighbor. i've been silently quarreling with myself whether i should edit the title or not. i want to keep the vodka part... and the male strîppers as well. i just don't know what to put in place of the new neighbor.
maybe.. VODKA: Male Stîppers & Ciggies. yes. i think i'll keep the ciggies.
anywho, i'm gonna go watch some tv. later days.
Colleen
Posted at 10:51 am by crows_vein
Thursday, July 08, 2004
embarassed
music: {muse - "time is running out" (acoustic version)}
Our time is running out
And our time is running out
You can't push it underground
We can't stop it screaming out...
i dont really want to go all into it. but i have this... i guess... deformity, well no not necessarily a deformity. a flaw. yes. flaw is a better term for it. i used to be able to get rid of it well, then the process i have been previously using has backfired and only made this flaw more noticable, and now i'm stuck with it. {no it is not my blinking malfunction} it's just something a way more mortifying, something that females should not have to go through. i dont want to say what it is, because i'm afraid that the actual people i know that read this blog will laugh, and i actually do care what they think.
they've probably seen this flaw, it's not hard to miss. its not one of those... private-area problems. just something that cannot be covered up with clothing.
my mom bought something at a local store today to treat it, either the product is very cheap, or maybe the flaw is just too strong. for whatever reason, the process did not work.
now i have to walk out the house and flaunt this lovely flaw of mine. and for a permanent removal of this flaw it costs a lot of money. money in which my family does not have. so i am forever plagued with and embarassed by this flaw. i think i've killed the word "flaw."
i'm going to go drown in sorrow. bye bye.
Colleen
Posted at 05:00 pm by crows_vein
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
the pink ones apply to meh
took this from someone's blog. thanks, person ;) the pink ones are true about me. feel free to take this one. uh, this is my 2nd entry of the day, so make sure you read the other one. thanks a bunch, my lovely lovers.
01. I have a cell phone.
02. I'm obsessed with new things.
03. I'm the youngest child.
04. I am a shopoholic.
05. I love my gauged earrings.
06. I love wearing black eyeliner.
07. I love Daiquiris.
08. I love the weekends.
09. I can't live without lipgloss.
10. I can't live without music.
11. I lived in Tahoe.
12. I spend money I have...and dont have haha
13. I'll be in college for over 4 years. or less?
14. I love designer handbags (Coach, Burberry, Louis Vuitton).
15. I get annoyed easily.
16. I'm afraid of dieing
17. I love the Backstreet Boys... but i like Nsync better lol :-p
18. I have more than a couple horrible memories.
19. I'm addicted to Degrassi.
20. I am a person.
21. My first kiss was unexpected
22. I start school on Jan 4th or 5th
23. I love taking pictures {not being in them}
24. I detest grls who are fake.
25. I can be mean when I want to.
26. My dreams are bizzare..sometimes
27. I am happy.
28. I have way too many pairs of shoes.
29. I've seen Shes all That at least 50 times.
30. I dress how I feel that day
31. I love Charmed.
32. Sometimes I cry for almost no reason.
33. I detest it when people are ridiculously late.
34. I procrastinate. ( sometimes )
35. Winter is my favorite season.
36. I have too many clothes for my closet/dresser...
37. I love to sleep.
38. I wish I was smarter.
39. I am the hottest bachelor
40. I have a lot drama.
41. No one knows my full story of my life.
42. I love my hair
43. I sometimes fight with my parents.
44. I love the beach.
45. I have had the chicken pox.
46. I'm excited for the future.
47. I can't control my emotions.
48. I can't wait till New Year's.
49. I love the show 'Rich s'
50. I love my friends.
51. Christmas is my favorite holiday.
52. I can be very insecure sometimes.
53. I have had a broken bone. ( to many! )
54. I dislike ignorant people.
55. I love my laptop.
56. I <3 guys
57. I state the obvious.
58. I'm a happy person.
59. I love to dance.
60. I love to sing.
61. I cleaning my room.
62. I tend to get jealous very easily. (Honestly I just don't care)
63. I like to play video games.
64. I love John Mayer.
65. I don't like it when I see animals/people getting hurt/abused.
66. I'm a vegetarian/vegan/don't eat beef.
67. I don't like to study for tests.
68. I love playdoh.
69. I am too forgiving.
70. I have a good sense of direction.
71. I love high school.
72. I have a talent of sweet talking my way out of things.
73. I don't drink. {yet}
74. I love kisses on the forehead.
75. I love the color blue.
76. I don't sew.
77. I am not addicted to a|coholic beverages.
78. I love the Olsen twins
79. I'm gonna try out for the softball team.
80. I become stressed easily.
81. I liars.
82. I like comfy sweatpants.
83. Bam Margera is AWESOME. oh man he's hottt
84. I love the smell of fresh laundry.
85. I love my family
86. I don't mind getting shots.
87. I am a perfectionist when it comes to certain things.
88. I always wanted to learn to play the drums. (Any instruments really)
89. I the feeling of failure.
90. I’ve had my heart broken.
91. I would love to have my own fashion line.
92. I can be quite selfish.
93. I still act like a little kid.
94. Above all I despise dishonesty.
95. I can stay on the computer forever.
96. I love music.
97. I wish I was more motivated when it comes to school.
98. I love getting stuff in the mail.
99. I have problems letting go of people
100. I detest the feeling of being alone. (But it comes often.)
Posted at 02:46 pm by crows_vein
irritated
music: {weezer - "hash pipe"}
yesterday i went to the library, and i forgot to mention that i saw sammy d. i love my sammy d. she's hip and happenin'. i gave her a high 5 and then went on my way. that's where yesterday's story ends... here's onto today.
i'm trying to transfer photos from my damned digital camera onto my computer and it's not working. i have failed with flying colors. something went awry, and it's really annoying me. cheap miniscule plastic piece of rubbish. i want to be able to actually show the internet world what i look like, believe it or not ;x
so what happened today... hmm nothing really. arose from my slumber at.. oh say about 8.40, had some lucky charms, watched The Golden Grls just a trifle, then took a shower. i need to get a new razor... i having to shave my legs with that effing thing, it hurts so badly and i keep getting cut. the reason why i'm sharing this with all of you, has flown past me...
so then after i got out of the shower, i got dressed. i was actually going to walk out of the house wearing a halter top, then it occured to me that bruised and rejected vegetables will most likely be thrown at me, so i put on an accepted-by-society shirt instead.
then while i was waiting for my mom to get dressed, i watched a little bit of The Nanny. good american television, a footlosse jewish hair dresser becomes the main care-giver of a british broadway producer's three children and teaches them things that should never be put into context. does this not scream out 'quality entertainment' to you? well, honestly, it is one of my favorite television sitcoms, so i could not care less what your opinions of it are.
so when everyone was dressed, we went to take moira to her swimming lessons. the beautiful thing about it is that i know her instructor. lol it's patty g! everyone loves patty g. i don't know her very well, but we've tossed a couple small conversations back in the day. and when i say back in the day, i mean back when the school year was alive and running. she was in my gym class, she hasn't recognized me at the lessons yet. mainly because the only time she has seen me was when i was heaving, weezing, and gasping for air and hopping up and down trying to keep my participation grade up in gym class.
i've been seeing patty g around a bunch lately. she does book buddies at the library as well. she sees me there a lot, we don't speak to each other. i guess we both feel that there is no need. the only reason we have ever spoken to one another is because aimeé was our lovely little friendship link.
blah, so at moira's lessons, people kept on looking at me... like staring. i think it was because of what i was reading. Yoga Hotel by Maura Moynihan. it's just a book full of short stories, all based on India and stuff like that. i guess the public never figured someone like me to be interested in yoga-infested literature. well excuse me, i've been doing yoga for about 1 year now, and i have an infatuation with the cullture of India. so now you all know. i find all that stuff ver intrigueing. here's a little poem Maura included in her book...
I am a refugee from the new world
seeking asylum in the old world
of immutable truths,
seeking to turn the Wheel of Dharma.
In the new world we were told
that machines would deliver us from slavery,
that this new order would make us free,
as we were dilvered to industrial servitude,
made free to plunder whatever's here,
free to waste our liberty in spurious cheer.
Nature is violated, displaced,
we live hardened to Her pain, have
chosen disavowel, disgrace...
We meet, drenched in evening rain
worlds apart, here we are the same.
by Maura Moynihan
personally, i adore that poem. it is true art.
so anyways, after moira's lessons, we went to the park and let her blow off some excess energy. i sat on stoned chess table listening to my cd player and reading the book. after moira played around, we went to the library to get her some children's books.
the library is my most favorite place in the world. so peaceful, surrounded by many great works from different stitches in time... i find serenity at the library. except for when it's crowded. when it's crowded, i find my way to the stephen king section and sit on the floor, flipping through all his classics.
but today i didn't get to do that, or flip through any books for that matter, i was stuck in the children's room. which wasn't all that bad, i absolutely adore children and their simple literature. i picked out a bunch of books for me to read to moira, i hope she enjoys them.
so then when we went to go check the li'l suckers out, i dropped over to the 'for sale' shelf. 10 cents for paperbacks, 25 cents for hard covers. i grabbed a couple books. Fathers and Sons by Ivan Turvenev, and Gordon by Edith Templeton. i can't wait to read them.
my mom actually yelled at me in front of the clerk. "colleen! you better stop buying books! you read way too much, you're not supposed to, you're eyes will get worse!!"
well sorry, doll, i'm reading all i want. you can't effing restrict me from one of the only things that gives me peace. so i'll become blind, oh well, then i'll read braille. no big whoop.
i am now going to go read outside in the yard. toodles to you all.
Colleen
Posted at 12:25 pm by crows_vein
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
lonely
music: {placebo - "every you, every me"}
this is by far my favorite song in the entire world. if you don't know placebo, than i suggest you look them up, and listen to this song. because... it is phenomenal. i absotively posolutely adore it. it is without a doubt the most fabulous song ever.
Carve your name into my arm.
Instead of stressed, I lie here charmed.
'Cause there's nothing else to do,
Every me and every you.
i think i have reached the edge, and i am not yet fully over it. i really... really really do miss tom. it's driving me insane. i can't effiing concentrate, not like i actually need to concentrate on something. i've got not a care in the world anymore, school's over... no more tests, no more homework, and procrastination has taken it's course. i'm not reading those two books til i know for sure that i'm moving. i don't like being pressured into reading something...
but back to the matter at hand, i want tom. i want to have his arms around me, i need to feel his breath on my neck, i just need to see him. i need my heart to take flight again.
you're all probably thinking... what an eff ing whiny bizwitch. and i agree, i'm whiny, and i'm annoying... i'm a horrible, horrible person. but wtf can i do about it?
damnit... i'm driving myself down the loony road. come on and hitch a ride, you know you so want to be put into a mental institute.
i really do miss tom...
here's an effing survey, cause i'm a freak like that.
this survey was made by Mack. he's a secksy beast, lol ;) i heart you, mack.
About You:
*Phobias: large dogs, heights, small spaces, crowded areas, falling down stairs, wigs/toupes, confrontation, public speaking.
*Peeves: hypocrites, racists, politicians, when people chew with their mouth open, swearing in unnecessary moments, people that feel way to comfortable showing off their body... to an extent that can be considered "conceited"
*Weaknesses: too many to list.
*Strengths: haven't found any yet.
*Obsessions: the british, vampires, paranormal stuff, yoga, greek mythology, reading, writing, movies
*Guilty Pleasures: canyons {little indents on the lower part of a guys abdomen/pelvis.. you know what i'm talking about} boxers, sarcasm, british accents, men & men action, preferably two emo/g0th guys making out, profanity when used in the right moments... la la la la
*Turn ons: pretty much everything i just listed in "Guilty Pleasures" lol
*Turn offs: i never really pay attention to that stuff. i'd say... a lack of a sense of humor, a very large ego, and stupidity.
*Material Possessions you cannot live without: tom's bracelet, my black safety pin zippie sweater, my glasses, my cds and cd player, my digi camera, my toe rings and toe thong {i love them, they make the most hideous part of the human body look relatively pretty}
*Past Lovers: none
*Present Lover(s): i'm not sure what to call tom, but i'll put him down here anyways, cause i'm super like that ;P
*Enemies: i don't think i have any.
*Allies: pretty much everyone that i meet and like.
*Flaws: everything
*Perks: i'll do anything to make you laugh, or at least make you feel comfortable around me. i try hard to be friendly ;)
List Five {or less} People:
*that you love to hear speak about things: myke ott, amber piz, mike g, tom, ari
*that you love to hug: tom, brittykins, mike, jaime, and... older sis?
*that you love to kiss: tom =D
*that you loathe w/ your entire soul: hmm... momma.
*that you wouldn't mind banging: roflmfao, do i really have to answer this? i don't... i don't ever have the urge to "bang" somebody. and if i do, i don't tell who it is. durf.
*that you secretly fantasize about: now, let's be smart here. if i tell you, it wouldn't be a secret, would it? ~_o
*that you have screwed: haha nobody
*that you have hurt: a lot of people, i think
*that you currently have locked in your closet: marylin , colin farrel, brandon boyd, jason lee, and mack ;)
*that will most likely succeed in life: brittykins, tom, mike, ari, and alex.
*that will fail: myself, my older sister, alexis from angel care, and whoever.
*that will find love easily: i don't know... it doesn't take long to love alex. or jaime. no i think jaime. jaime wont have any problem finding love.
*that will have difficulty finding love: a lot of people that i know.
*that you have tied up with rope and/or handcuffed: mike to tom ~_o {this is if a plastic jumprope counts lol}
*that you sympathize: a lot of people.
*that you envy: i don't want to say...
*that you idolize: brandon boyd, shut up, the man is a true and genuine artist. they don't get any more pure than him. and if you cannot see that, than "ignorant" would be a compliment.
*that are better than you at something: everyone
*that are smarter than you: a lot of people.
*that are less intelligent than you: some people.
*that have hurt you deeply: i don't want to say...
*that will most likely become a : lol, mack, you HAD to put this in there. ari... definately ari ;D
*that will most likely take their own life: i never thought about that...
*that you love unbelievably: tom, brittykins, some other people. a lot of people actually.
Do you...: {feel free to elaborate}
*Love easily?: no. not at all. it takes a lot steal my heart.
*Hate yourself?: pretty much, yes.
*Hate others?: not specifically, but humanity in general, hell yes.
*Sacrifice small farm animals to an unknown god?: every thursday night.
*Worship the a false idol?: i have rejected the false idol i was once forced to worship.
*Smear chocolate frosting all over yourself and dance to madonna's classicc?: oh yes, all the time.
*Toss and turn in your sleep?: not a lot, but yea i guess.
*Get along with people?: yea they seem to like me.
*Like being around crowds?: no, i strongly dislike it.
*Enjoy meeting new people?: sure, why not?
*Have unsafe with inanimate objects?: you mean that's bad?
*Keep your promises?: i try hard to do so.
*Love me?: yes, mack, i adore you ;P
Have you ever...: {feel free to elaborate}
*Smoked a ciggie or roll-up?: not that i am conscious of.
*Loitered in a non-loitering zone?: yesh.
*Broken a mirror?: i think so.
*Broken a law?: not really. vandalizing public property isn't a big law is it?
*Killed a badger?: no, badgers kick ass.
*Made out with the same gendre?: i dreamt about it, thought about it, didn't mind the thought, but hey, what difference does it make?
*Made out with the opposite gendre?: yes! :D
*Used words that you don't know in order to sound intelligent?: i don't need to do that. i don't ever try to sound intelligent. but it happens anyway. lol that's why the assistant principal ms fiedler loves me.
*Prayed to God?: when i was younger and more naive
*Prayed to ?: possibly
*Woken up with a stranger?: i wake up with myself every morning, and i consider myself a stranger, so that is a yes to your question.
*Read the dictionary for fun?: my mom yells at me because i do it too much...
*Pretended to be from a foreign country in a store just to confuse people?: no, i've always wanted to try it though. i was going to with my cousin, but we couldn't figure out whether we should swedish or czechoslovacian, we were 12 at the time. lol.
*Had a long conversation with a wrong-number caller?: YES! it was so effiing funny. this person thought i was a named liz, who happened to be pregnant at a young age. i went along with it for about 10 minutes, then my parents asked who i was talking to. then i had to hang up.
*Clicked on all those viagra advertisements to actually apply?: no, mack, i don't need viagra. my trouser-snake works fine all by itself ;x
oh well, take this survey, it'll be fun.
Colleen
Posted at 06:36 pm by crows_vein
Monday, July 05, 2004
pragmatistic parental units
sobbing
music: {cold play - "yellow"} <~ shut up, you know you secretly adore this band...
i have not updated lately...i've just been too... too whatever. there really isn't a word for how i've been feeling. just a mixture of everything, i guess.
i don't even remember what i did on saturday. not a clue. just hung around the house i guess, loitered. vegetated mostly. all i remember is that i talked on the phone with brittykins for a while at night. yes, we discussed a lot of random things, we did. it was interesting, it was fun. we didn't really have much to talk about, i talked a lot, which i didn't enjoy. i don't like hearing myself speak. it's not cool.
we established the fact that the word "chihuaha" is very very entertaining to say. whoo, and it is. you know you love it, don't lie to yourself. o__o
then after we said our adieus, i went to go watch a flick with the 'rents. Somethings Gotta Give. watching this movie with them sparked an argument that went on forever.. how large should the age difference gap be when it comes to serious relationships? i say that it doesnt matter how large the gap is, just how serious the love is. hopeless romantic over here. so sue me.
my father said there's gotta definitely be a limit. so does my mom. go figure. a bunch of realists and pragmatists they are. they've no sense of romance, even if it requires defying the rules of humanity. okay yea, so a 90 year old and a 20 year old. wow what's wrong with that? i mean yes, i would have a problem if one of the persons is a minor less than 18, and the other is like...what....70? that is where i draw the line.
but in the case of the movie, a 63 year old man and a 29 year old woman are going out. wtf is wrong with that? it's emotion, and if it floats your boat, then by all means... carry on with the lovin'. then the 36 year old doctor went out with the... old woman. i forgot how old she was. i don't say anymore than 65. so there's nothing wrong with that! my parents are... stuck in their fixed world of limitation. blah, then after the movie, i went to bed. nothing fun there.
then yesterday came up. the 4th of july. whoo, that's fun. no actually, it sucked. my mom kept on yelling at me because i didn't have a patriotic spirit. yea okay, so i'm not proud of being an american. you cant blame me. we're a country full of moronic impudent irrational dickweeds, and she yells at me for being too ignorant. "you should be proud of your country," she tells me. yea... why should it? because pres bush was almost assassinated by a PRETZEL? because pres bush happened to finally find saddam hussein hiding UNDERGROUND? because america is the d0minatrix in the b0ndage-obsessed world of politics, and the only reason we succeed on this earth is because we strike fear into the hearts of vulnerable countries.
yes siree indeedy, i'd rather be australian ;)
my mom forced me to come with her and moira to go look at fireworks at night. we walked around the local elem school and there was a block party in one of the streets, they were setting off the big-ass es. everyone was huddled around... looking up at the pretty lights.
i didn't enjoy it at all. everyone was... holding their lovers. a guy was playing with his friends ear, a was fiddling with her boyfriends fingers. they were hugging, and kissing... and whispering to each other. smiling with bright smiles. kissing one another.
and who was i stuck with? a barely legal mexican and a whiny 5 year old who didn't want to stand up anymore. then kate and kayla drove by and decided to watch the fireworks with us, not much there. they just spent most of the time talking on the side by themselves. me excluded.
yesterday was when i felt i needed tom the most. i saw everyone being happy, and i just felt envious, and yes i admit it, cause i'm all hip like that. i missed him a lot yesterday, it practically drove me to tears. i thought about him a lot while i was watching the fireworks. i dont know... i just felt really alone, i mean... really alone, surrounded by those hideously joyous people.
i really miss him, and i know i'm not going to see him in a very long time. and that just tears me up on the inside.
i just want to hold him... i want to feel his breath on my neck like i did at jaime's little swareé. we were holding each other. his head on my shoulder, mine on his. he was breathing so softly on my neck, nothing -- and i mean nothing --felt better than that.
god... maybe i'm just overreacting. i still think that i'm too young to love, too naive and inexperience to feel so much compassion for one person. especially for another person who evidently just wants us to be a fling. i could tell tom doesn't want a serious thing. i can't blame him.
i just wish i hadn't kissed him. it felt great, yes, but i dont want to get close to somebody unless i know it's got a long-term potentiality. i wouldnt like just having flings, little 2 week relationships. that sickening, throwing yourself around like that. and honestly, considering the detail that i might be moving to texas, i dont think he and i have much potential. if i wasnt moving... if i actually stayed for the 10th grade, there might be a possibility. but i'm not sure anymore. i'm just not ing sure. my dads already starting to look at houses online.
you know how i know that i'm feeling a serious feeling? last night, before i fell asleep, i actually prayed. or at least i tried. i, the person who has strongfully rejected the lord, prayed. i don't know whom i prayed to, but i did it. i just wished to whom ever was listening that we wouldn't move. that my dad wouldnt find a job in texas or any other place. that we would just stay here for another year... a year would be enough. tom's graduating next year, a year is all i need.
there was really no point in doing that, no point in praying. come on, let's be logical.
oh, what ever. good night.
Colleen
Posted at 06:41 pm by crows_vein
Friday, July 02, 2004
nothing out of the ordinary
moody
music: {american hi fi - "flavor of the weak"} <-- don't they mean week? but oh well, its the song.
i'm uptset. damnit, i am. i'm searching around google for cool pictures for my bloggy. but damnit, i've phucking googled til i can't google no more. its annoying. i dont know what photo i'm specifically looking for, but oh well. i'll realize its perfection when i see it.
ooo..but don't you love the new one? it's brandon boyd <3 he's all cool. you cant see his face, but aw well. nothing to worry about. he's still sexy :D i need a little icon, though. i cant find a perfect one. agh i'm bored. off to watch tv or whatever.
that's right, britt. calleth me!
Colleen
Posted at 05:22 pm by crows_vein
Thursday, July 01, 2004
contemplative
music: {ac/dc - "highway to hell"}
well, i had a dream last night. it was very interesting. i dreamt that tom had called my father up while he was at work and asked him his permission to take me out on a date. nutty, huh? so yea, in the dream, my father got to know tom on the phone, with his perfect manners and complementing comments, made my dad eventually let him take me out. it was so great. and the more i think about it, the more and more it seems like a good idea. it does though, doesnt it? i mean... it shows great character, its a perfect gesture of respect, and it demonstrates perfect morals. it would just be so great. it wouldnt work though, dad wouldnt like the little detail that i had recently turned 15, and that tom has been 16 for a while, and is nearing 17. not cool. but wtf, emotion is emotion. it doesnt discriminate amongst the ages. it doesnt restrict itself, people feel no matter what age they are. so calling my dad wouldnt be such a bad idea. it'd save me the humiliation of asking him myself. oh but tom is such the perfect person for my dad. he took computer programming and my dad is a god when it comes to computers. they'd get along real well, speaking in binary, lol. so hey, maybe calling my pop isnt such a bad thing ;x yea, but haha...who would go through all that just to take me out?
but i'm suffering from withdrawal or something... because, i miss everybody. i havent seen any of my friends in almost a week, except for kate. but that doesnt count, because i saw her on monday for only an hour. i miss everybody. its not fun, sitting on my ass. i cant harass brittykins, bestow havoc on the unworthy with ariel, or talk about waffles with mike. i'm bored and alone :|
i miss tom, though, extremely. everything's reminding me of him now. it's phucking crazy. i cant go anywhere without seeing something that makes the thought of him pop in my head. when i went to kates house on monday, she wanted to play hacky sack. hacky sack!! tom's a wizard with hacky sack. its just crazy to watch the guy. the man is sick, wickedly good at the game. he has... he has perfected the art. and that also goes for DDR. we went in her house after playing some hacky sack {which i suck at, btw} and i saw her DDR mat on the floor of her golf room. i saw that and i was just like..."woah, tom." cause he was always dropping DDR dance moves like it was hot during lunch. it was hilarious. him and mike, haha, it turns out, alex lost like 20 lbs due to playing DDR.
then the other day, mom and i went out, and we passed Stop & Shop, and i just grew very upset. i miss tom. its phucking crazy, man. why cant i just be immune to emotion? i hate it so much, and its just got to penalize me for it. DAMN IT.
yea, you know what song was on the radio all day today? "date rape" by sublime. yea, yea thats right. tom was singing that song when school was still in. he and alex did a nice little duet, it was adorable. now, whenever i hear that song, i think of tom. odd though, because its such an obscene song. it might relate to him a little though, him being a hôrny bastard all the time. but i love that song so much, anyways.
~*Well, I can't take pity on men of his kind<---
~*Even though he now takes it in the behind<---
~*DATE RAPE<---
oh well, i'm going to sleep. g'night. love ya britt! just keep smilin'! ...swimming...OH! just keep swimming, just keep swimming, what do you do, you just keep swimming. sorry... yea, g'night.
Colleen
Posted at 06:54 pm by crows_vein
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