I AM COLLEEN.
I'm Colleen.
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Wednesday, July 14, 2004
apathetic
music: {rufio - "one slow dance"}
i'm very bored... actually..."bored" is an understatement. there is no word in any dictionary that can explain how "bored" i am. and i feel that i'm going to be bored all day today.
mom went to her morning english classes, and i am once again home alone with moira. i got her dressed for her swimming lessons, and she got very angry with me because when i brushed her hair, it hurt. well...it's not my fault, shes got very curly hair and it doesnt take as much for it to tangle as it does to detangle. and i'm rough, oops for me. its not easy for me to brush someone elses hair. i spaz out when i brush my own hair, come effing on.
i guess we're all just a little hostile because we know mom's not going to be home as much anymore. we've been relying on her for everything. and i'm ashamed of it. i would like to finally cut the damned umbilical cord and live my own life, not depend on her for all that has to be done.
my little sister is not yet ready to go through the separation anxiety that will come along from the newly found independence. so if she needs to tear anybody to shreds...i'm her rag doll.
the rest of the day is not going to carry out smoothly. mom was very angry with my dad last night because he invited little richie over for some coffee and television. we dont call him little richie all that much, considering he's nearing his 28th year of existence.
anywho, mom has just come back from her very first day of english college courses, and she was ready to spill out her happy emotions with dad, when she walked in to find richie sitting in her chair. she didn't fancy that much. i cant blame her. would you like to see a very distance relative in your home when you're on the verge of crying tears of joy?
yes, she was extremely happy. and she had to suck in all her pride and all her self-approval to greet richie. i saw the agony in her eyes... i felt horrible.
after he left, my mom finally imploded. then everythin just...burst on the inside. and then eventually it all came splurging out. there was no happiness to be found. it was all rage and angst... and some more rage. i've never seen her this heated about something in her life.
yesterday was the first time she's ever been in a class room in almost 30 years. she never went to high school... barely finished junior high. and now she's back in the student's desk, ready to learn what she has. she was so effing happy for once. yes, for once she was planning her own success, not someone else's. not mine, not vanessas, not my dads. hers, her very own success was being set on a platter before her. and who pist on that platter? both my dad and cousin richie. of course, rich was very oblivious to the whole importance of it... but of course, he's majoring in philosophy, he's got nothing close to the potential my mother has.
i love my dad, and most of the time i've stuck on his side when my parents fight. but this time i'm right beside mom. well...last night...technically i was in my bed covering my ears with my pillow, but i was still rooting for mom. *w00t*
anywho, i'll just stop ranting... and go drink some lemonade. later days, my lavish lovers. be well.
Colleen
Posted at 07:53 am by crows_vein
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
tired
music: {the clash - "should i stay or should i go?"}
today was nothing special. mom went to her english classes again... and was out all day. i was left with the little angel formerly known as moira.
to get her off my back for an acceptable amount of time, i sat her down and made her watch Harriot The Spy. she didn't fancy it as much as i had expected.
i was rather fond of it in the old days, i was obsessed with that flick. i used to run with a broken compass, old binoculars, and a notebook around the neighborhood and wrote absolute nonsense. whatever it was that i could, i wrote it down.
my neighbors despised me... but they were only jealous 'cause i was a very talented and geniuine spy, unlike their own misinformed insignificant children...muaha! lol.
hmm.. what else? i watched I Love The 90s: 1990 and 1991. pretty funny stuff, lemme tell ya. i love vh1, pure genius.
i'm tired... i'm hot... i'm bored... and i'm deprived of my effing Outback Jack. the only available tv in the house is moiras, and shes ready to go to sleep. so ha...i cant watch the show down between the fems and the butches. pity... the competition would have been beyond entertaining. it started out pretty well.
i'm so bored. i dont feel like reading a book right now, and i dont feel like writing in my blog. i dont feel like doing anything but watch tv...
i'm going to go surf around the net. later.
Colleen
Posted at 06:38 pm by crows_vein
Monday, July 12, 2004
like a pawn in a game of chess
blah
music: {placebo - "my sweet prince"}
Basics
Name:: colleen
Birthdate:: in may
Age:: fifteen
Birthplace:: a university, as opposed to a hospital...
Eldest, Middle, Youngest, Only Kid?: middle. cause i'm hip like that.
Family:: ...not as lovely as the bradys, but not as undesirable as the osbournes.
Pets:: none, sadly.
Life
Do you go to school:: yes.
What is your highest level achieved?: just finished 9th
Religion:: don't, just don't.
Do you have friends?: yes i do.
Do you like to be lonely?: it depends on the situation. lonely is the wrong form of the word. i like to use "alone." lonely is when you're reluctantly alone. and want someone, i dont like to be lonely.
Appearences
What color are your eyes?: brown.
Do you like it?: i cant complain. i dont really look at my eyes.
What color eyes do you want?: green, but i dont care.
What color is your hair?: brownish...whatever.
Do you like it?: no.
What color do you want?: i want it dark maroon.
Do you dye your hair?: i did.
If yes, how regularly?: not regularly. did it once.
Do you wear glasses?: yep.
Do you have a trademark?: uh, my toe thong?
How tall are you?: 5'3.5
What's your heritage/nationality?: half mexican, quarter italian, quarter scottish
Do you have the same hairstyle everyday?: no. yes. maybe.
Do you think you look exciting?: exciting? are you asking me if i've got an adrenaline-rushing appearance? no. i'm not.
Are you self concious?: not in a conceited way. its kind of a... "too insecure" type of thing.
Do you obsess over your looks?: fifty percent of the time.
Do you even care about your appearences?: i think i'm bipolar. b/c half the time i care too much, and the other half...i couldnt care less.
How long do you spend in the bathroom?: i'm never in the bathroom for something else besides bathing and excreting.
About life... again
Punk/Goth/Ghetto/Prep/Jock/Nerd/Other (list)? stereotype?: i dont label myself, but other people do. what am i? nerd, punk, outcast? i dont know, ask the stereotypical people that know me.
Do you pick your nose? In secret?: doesnt everybody at one point? be realistic.
Do you like yourself? Life?: no to the first, and maybe to the second.
Are you liked by people?: people like me... i dont necessarily like them.
Do you want to become famous?: not in the celebrity catagory. in the...novelist/interior designer section yes.
Do you want to make a difference in this big world?: possibly.
Why?: it was a childhood dream, it could be reawakened at any moment.
Fun Stuff
Which celebrities do you worship in secret?: too many. it varies often.
Blues/Rock/Jazz/Classical/Pop/Urban/Country?: rock. classical.
Are you one of those people who diss fans of a music genre you don't like?: if i know the person well, i might joke about their music. but i dont intentionally insult someone elses music. whatever rocks their socks. just keep it away from me.
Which pop princess s you?: is that supposed to make sense? i dont like britney spears.
Can you sing?: not well enough.
Can you act?: when my benefit is in question ^_^
Who is your fave actor?: matthew perry above all. then comes jason lee, pauly shore, the young anthony michael hall, tom green, etc
Fave movie?: hrmmm.... too many to love. ferris buellers day off. pretty in pink. the shape of things. the fifth element
Backstreet Boys or Nsync?: nsync all the way. i was a very loyal fan back in the day.
Good Charlotte or Blink 182?: blink 182 by far.
Christina Aguilera or Britney Spears?: christina, her voice is so much better.
Slayer or Black Sabbath?: black sabbath, go old school metal.
The Beatles or The Monkees?: i've never heard anything by the monkees. beatles it is.
ABBA or the A Teens?: i dont like either of them.
Guilty pleasure?: british accent, boxers, men and men action :D
The Simpsons or Family Guy?: hm... i dont know, they're both phenomenal.
MTV... yeah or neah?: neah. they've got some nice shows, i like room raiders. but what happened to the music vids?
Friends
Do you have a group of friends?: several groups. dont see 'em much anymore.
How many?: i'm not going to count my friends.
To an onlooker, what would your group be viewed as?: the people that dont care about onlookers views :D
Who are you closest to?: figuratively? my brittykins.
Who is your best friend?: brittykins :D
Are any of them bad influences?: all of them are in minor ways lol
Who are you in your group? The leader? The leader's bitch? The follower?: i'm not a leader nor a follower. and there is no leader in our group. so i cant be the bitch. i'm just a member.
Are you dirty minded?: yes, and at the same time..quite prudish ;x
Do you have any ual feelings towards friends?: i dont ever have those kind of feelings towards anybody.
Generally, how are you viewed in your group?: i dont know, ask them.
Do your friends know you?: oh too well.
Relationships:
Are you single or taken?: uh... neither. if that's possible.
If single:
Do you want to stay single?: i'm not single. and if i was, i wouldnt want to be. i'm so very needy like that...
Why are you single?: if i was single, it'd be because i'm not allowed to have a relationship, and because i'm not desirable enough towards people. oops for me.
Do you date around?: never have, never will. i dont believe in flings, just long term relationships.
When was the last time you have a bf/gf?: never actually had one. am i missing something because of it?
If taken:
Boyfriend/Girlfriend?: well the possible person in my life is a guy.
How long have you been together?: i'm not sure what to call the beginning of this affair.
How serious are you?: obviously not serious enough. i never see him. and hes not technically my boyfriend.
How many exes have you had?: none.
How exes has your partner had?: i dont care.
Are you physically attracted to your bf/gf?: i dont know how to recognize physical attraction. but sure he's a catch.
Why?: who knows...
When was the first kiss?: i memorized the exact date and time. but it was at a friends shin-dig.
First date?: never actually had one...
Do you love him/her?: not sure in what way, but yes.
Does their family adore or you?: never met them.
How far have you gone with your bf/gf?: french kissing is my limit.
Does your family or adore him/her?: never met him.
What do you think of his/her mother?: never met her. i hear she's cold hearted. but all mom's are. its a requirement.
How did you meet?... have I asked this already?: no you havent, and we met at lunch when my best friend started going out with a guy. our little groups combined. and he and i clashed.
What gendre arouses you the most?: at this point in my life, i havent decided, and i dont mind. i dont get aroused.
Life... yet again.
Are you bored?: now? maybe.
Can you play any instruments? Which ones?: no, i'm musically challenged.
Math or English?: english. ask me something harder next time.
The Arts or Sciences?: you just did. the arts. science is nice, but i only like biology.
Technical or Creative?: actually, there really isnt a difference. i'll aim for creative.
Are you poetic?: possibly. i write poetry, and conjure up little verses in my head from time to time.
How many babies do you want?: i want 2.
Do you spend most of your time on the net?: yes. and on my ass.
What do you think of your country's leader?: if i gave my honest opinion, i'd be arrested.
Do you love me?: sure, why not. everyone throws around that word like a hot potato. i love you.
Why?: cause you're a complete and utter stranger.
What kind of meat do you like to eat?: i dont prefer one over the other.
What's your favourite food?: korean, sushi, ny pizza
Drink?: pepsi, lemonade, iced tea
I'm bored now. Wanna stop?: i dont really care.
Because I am.
A long survey to do when you are bored brought to you by BZOINK!
Posted at 07:01 pm by crows_vein
dhanurasana + mike's birthday present
drained
music: {placebo - "scared of grls"}
Her younger sister
has a blister
where i kissed her
on her thigh
this is a great song, my favorite one on the album. MUAHA! brittykins you've finally become infatuated with the song "every you every me." its really good isnt it? shall i burn the album for you? i'd be glad to :D just give me the up, if ya want it.
i'm quite tired... drained as shown above. i dont know why though, i did my yoga earlier this morning, and that usually energizes me. rejuvinates me, actually. i think i'm so fatigued because i tried to hold bow pose {dhanurasana} for 10 minutes again... didn't work, my darlings. i failed. i could barely hold it for 3 minutes. i did it for 9 last time! 9 minutes! i went from 9 to 3, that's unacceptable. unacceptable, indeed. i'm very diappointed in myself...
oh well, the world isnt ending... yet.
hmm... i've read my comments recently for my past entry... zaca you're a great person, thank you for your opinion. and i agree with it entirely. its not good for me to obsess over tom.. but hey.. i'm an obsessive kind of person.
to be honest... i don't think i love him all that much, not as much as i figure i do. i think i've just created an image of him in my mind and made him seem so perfect and wonderful, that i've fallen in love with that image and that image only. i'm not sure... i'm just... i'm not really used to feeling emotion. well, yes i am, but not one thats mutual. i'm accustomed to loving from afar, and that is it. arg... i just really detest all of this.
i dont know, i just don't know anymore. i dont know what to think of tom, i dont how to stop me from thinking of him, and i just cannot control anything...
oh i'll just try to forget about him.. just erase him. can i do that?
and britty thank you for your comment as well... but i dont deserve that great of a person, let me tell you. chances are that toms too good for me. but whatever, i'm not going to worry about my personal life anymore. it'll only infect me like a virus...
blah whatever. today i've got an orthodontist appointment, and if i spelt that wrong, my mistake. i dont want to go, because i dont want to have to ask him when my braces are coming off. my dad wants to know but i dont. i dont want them to come out anytime soon, they've fused together with my teeth. they've become one form. i've grown so used to them. and i'm afraid to see how dirty my teeth are underneath when they come off ;x i'm not a clean person, OCD hasnt taken over all of me.
arg... good bye. off to go get dressed. haha yes i'm in a towel.
****************************************
heres a story i wrote a while ago, and this is what i happened to give mike for his birthday present. i feel like sharing it with all of you. enjoy.
Eulogy of an Immortal
Xandre’s old English teacher had spoken so low and so soft that I could not hear him from even the shortest distance. I was in the front row, sitting with my hands pressed on top of my thighs in agitation. I was trying to hard to hear him and his eulogy, but now I regret ever striving to…
…Leonardo Da Vinci had once alleged, “One that does not value life, does not deserve it.” To Xandre Carson, no phrase had made more sense to him than this one had. The point of this is not to promote termination of one’s self, but to emphasize the fact that he wished to terminate his own. It was not that he did not value life, but he just did not understand it.
To him, life was a dream. Nothing was real. Everything he had touched was an object in his subconscious that was conveniently tangible. He believed that instead of there being a God or some omnipotent being that had created the world, human beings never were really created. Just manipulated. To Mr. Carson, the world was pre-set. To him, the only thing that lied up there in the sky was the horribly written (but final draft version) Script of Life. (Editing was prohibited) This theory of his had brought many controversial altercations upon him, but he enjoyed nothing else but to watch the chaos around him. So many people had opposed this theory, and yet and equal amount of people agreed with it. All he did was watch the civil war amongst the races that he had caused.
To minimize his group of thoughts and speculations, he placed his whole philosophy of the world in one simple and terse statement: “Life is a puppet show, we are the rag dolls, and fate is the puppet master. The strings are not meant to be cut.”
Acting like a form of fodder (material for stimulating response), Xandre’s voice had an impact on the world, just as well as the music he wrote and played for pleasure. He was a musician, and the songs he conjured up had affected everyone here today. He was like the guitar he had loved to play; for each pluck of the strings, there is a different sound.
Mr. Alexandre Joseph Carson was a book of many pages, and yet he still managed to stay a blank canvas in our hearts…
I was raring to go up there and garrote him. Possibly smother him with the cushion of my seat. He sounded like the person lying in that casket was a suicidal schizoid. Xandre was a great person; he was my best friend, my companion. He was always there for me; whether it was as thick as , or as thin as water. He was like my shoulder; always there when I turned around.
The tears were burning my eyes, as if my eyeballs were now producing radioactive acid. Mr. and Mrs. Carson were to my left. Mrs. Carson sounded like she was having lung spasms from her underestimated crying.
I sat there wondering if Xandre was in heaven, or if there was a heaven at all. I never really considered his mixed up theories and thoughts about the after life that didn’t exist, but now that he’s … My mind is an open cage. I always used to tease and tantalize him, saying that he was going to hell for not having any faith. Ironic or not, he had had faith in hell.
Now that he’s gone off in some paranormal world that probably isn’t even out there, there is a permanent breach in my heart. A , if you will. It’s almost as if my heart was a ceramic pot, and Xandre’s hands were holding it up… then when he died, it fell to its doom and split its rim.
I wonder how he did it. How he pulled it off. Dusting himself and all. The Carson’s never told me, not even his cousin Melanie (who just so happened to be engaged to my older brother). When I asked what happened, she just shook her head and sobbed. I guess it was too painful for her to graphically sketch out in her head. It would be for me too, reenacting an incident like that.
It’s an thought – yes – but my theory (for once I have one) that he had hung himself. And his screams of agony were muddled around in his throat so much that he couldn’t get them out. Maybe he jumped off the fourteen-story apartment building his sister lived in… Oh I can barely imagine the pain of that. But I can imagine him flying over and subjugating the clouds on his way down. He must have felt serene rather than afraid as he flew downward. I wish I could feel that way.
Now that he’s gone, there’s not really any point in keeping the guitar he left me in his will. My mother told me to put it in the attic, to let it tarnish and sully with dust. I thought that was a good idea… to forget about him, you know? But then I considered the possibility of me finding it years later, and then recollecting the antagonizing memories of his songs that he wrote me.
When I said he was my best friend, I was exaggerating, and stalling from telling you the truth… He was my boyfriend, and unbeknownst to anyone else, he was my fiancé. Two months before he… did what he did… he proposed. No ring, no drop-down-on-one-knee routine. He just pressed his forehead on to mine, and asked the question I thought no one else would (especially at my age of 17). To compensate for the lack of an engagement-band, he gave me his guitar pick. The exact same one that his grandfather learned to play on. He told me to keep it forever. After the exchange of gifts, we spent the night together… and I will never forget it.
Mrs. Carson’s tears were now occurring at spasmodic intervals, and I was ready to throw a chair at her. And then I realized she must have felt ten times worse than I did…
…And now I lie here in the back of an emergency truck on Highway 67, on a gurney as cold as artic wind, with my first child in my arms. I know it’s too early to determine the physical features of a newly born baby, but he has his father’s face. Xandre’s face.
The little imps running around in my head, baring doubts and questions of my early motherhood, had finally stopped their jeering. I am holding Xandre’s child. The only thing left that I have of him.
This new child of mine will stand unbridled against the winds of life, he will not crumble as his father had once done. He will face the fire and walk into the storm. He will cope with the cumbersome burdens of responsibility. He will fight off the marauders of dignity, and laugh in the face of humiliation.
I am now looking down at my little piece of Xandre, and I wonder what to name him. Ryan, meaning fire. He will be strong and untouchable. Those wrinkly fingers of his will give him some use; he will learn the guitar as well as his father did, possibly better.
With one hand supporting my Ryan, I slip my hand into my pants pocket and feel for the guitar pick.
Life is a puppet show, humanity is indeed the puppets… but the strings will someday be cut.
Colleen M
Posted at 10:08 am by crows_vein
Sunday, July 11, 2004
upset
music: {placebo - "the crawl"}
yea, well yesterday i mentioned that i went to the mall with the trusty keito. it was fun, up until we went into hot topic {my sanctuary}. i could live in that store, i swear it. but then i reached the t-shirt section... the little plastic cases that they have hanging on the wall... i looked at all the them, and i saw a bunch of ones that tom has ;( his bright orange mushrôom one, the one that says "don't make me go zelda on you," and the one that has "things you learn from playing video games." that made me very very sad...
i dont know, its just... its just tom, you know? no, evidently you don't. i'm such a loser... being reminded of him just by looking at pieces of clothing. how sad is that?
i was going to buy one. yes, i was going to buy the orange "you lose" shirt but i didn't have enough money. i barely had any money, just the gift card for FYE from keito...
i'm so sad now...
bah, on a lighter note, my dad returned last night from canada, CANADA!!! he didn't bring us any souvenirs. i wanted a canadian person ;( well, i'm glad hes back anyways, because my mother was driving me insane, and still is. but he slightly saves me from her contagious mental disorder... oh i'm tired. my eyelids are very heavy...
agh, going to go read some stuff and then maybe take a little nappers. later days, my darlings.
Colleen
PS, moira and i didn't burn the house down last night, whee!
Posted at 12:31 pm by crows_vein
Saturday, July 10, 2004
alan ruck's son on qu33r eye? + edit
amused
music: {my chemical romance - "i'm not okay (i promise)"}
i adore this song =)
blah so... what to update on? hmm...
OH! i just watched my very first episode of Eye For The Straight Guy. it was so effing funny.
it was the one with the beach bum and his monthly night. i loved it, positively loved it.
they're so very awesomely hilarious, i heart the fab five. i would love for them to give my dad a make over... just so i could meet them :D that'd be so effing great.
did any of you people ever notice that kyan douglas -- the one with the uber-hair dryer -- looks like cameron from ferris bueller's day off? {the actors name is alan ruck}
This is Alan Ruck (younger)...
And this is Kyan Douglas.
that's not one of his better photos, you have to see him in the show, and then, only then, you shall compare. yea i'm a loser. all i know is that kyan douglas is a cutie :D
todays not going to be much of a day. dads coming back from canada later {and i mean later} tonight. its saturday, i'm highly bored out of my mind. i'll probably call keito and wonder if she wants to hang. she lives close, shes the only one of my friends {if you dont count amber} that my mom actually kind of likes. my mom adores amber... shes so very well behaved. you know what she told me when i had her over for my "birthday"? she said "oh, colleen, you can learn a lot from amber."
so yes, theres a possibility that i will be disowned and they will adopt amber after they have successfully killed her parents...
oh well. yea i'm gonna go sleep. its like...1.30, but i'm tired. later days.
Colleen
***More Stuff To Add***
NO MOOD
music: {placebo - "you don't care"}
it ish now 6 pm, and i'm home. yes britty i'm babysitting, and not happy about missing ze parade.
at around 2, keito called and asked if i could go with her to bayshore mall. my mom didnt like the idea because she wanted to make sure i was back in time to babysit. 2 hours would be enough. kates mom talked her into it, and we went for a while. i bought the placebo cd "without you i'm nothing." listening to it now. pretty good. i loves it. some interesting lyrics that arent as well thought as i'd expect. we got pretzels and lemonade and then went on our way. i love kates mom, she's so effing cool. i wish kate would stop treating her so badly. kate swears with her all the time and calls her mean things, and just gives her a horrible attitude. she shouldnt do what with company, i mean, its very inconsiderate. but oh well.
eh so anyways mom went out to go take an english test for english education or whatever the hell at 4, and i'm stuck with my little sister. she's learning how to use the remote control for the television, and she changed it some movie on iO and it was a bad...BAD scene for her little eyes to perceive. i think it was american pie 2, or something in that region. i yelled at her and put the control where she couldnt reach it. in my closet ;P
i dont know what i'm supposed to make for her for dinner... we have absolutely nothing to eat. maybe i'll order pizza. she'll love that. i'm not going to eat, once again, i'm not hungry.
mother fureakin' son of a wench... she turned off the cable box. toodles.
Colleen
Posted at 10:30 am by crows_vein
Friday, July 09, 2004
down by the broken tree house
at peace
music: {sixpence none the richer - "kiss me"} <~ do not deny the fact that you absolutely adore this song...
Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight.
Lead me out on the moonlit floor.
Lift your open hand.
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance,
Silver moon's sparkling.
So kiss me.
Kiss me down by the broken tree house.
Swing me upon its hanging tire.
Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat.
We'll take the trail marked on your father's map.
eh, so today's not going to be a big day. moira and mom left to her swimming lessons, i'm currently home alone, walking around in nothing but a shirt and my panties ;) haha. you know you so want to see me in my unmentionables ;x
i don't know what we're doing today. probably just hanging around the house. around 4 or 5 is that parade thing that brittykins invited me to. i called her last night and told her i couldnt make it because i have to babysit. apparently my mom has an appointment to legalize her citizenship and take college courses... i dont wtf it is. but she had to wait to tell me when someone actually invited me to hang out with them. impeccable timing, is it not? have fun brittykins :D and if you go to Stop & Shop tell tom and mike that i say hello, please. thankies :D
i'm loving this toga... tiz secksy...
anywho... at 8 o'clock tonight mom, moira, keito and i are going to the free screening of "Rugrats Go Wild." i never saw it, but i want to. honestly, no not really, i couldnt care less whether i see that flick or not. i just know that we're going to be outside in the dark eating pizza. that's enough serenity for me.
yea, so we're taking keito with us, because last time i was all alone... it almost drove me insane. now i've got katelyn to harass :D
i'm having some serious difficulty continuing this "novel" of mine. not only is the storyline completely different than my usual genre, i've decided to do something that i am most likely going to fail at.
now, previously, for any of the other stories i have written in my past, i prepared so much. i set everything up. i listed all the different literary devices that will be found, i've briefly summarized the setting, elaborated on the characters... created heartfelt biographies on them. i've set everything up before. and i guess i just spent so much time preparing, that i wore myself out so much that i grew too tired to write the actual story. haha...
so now, i've made a decision. this time, i'm only going to write small biographies of my characters. and that is all i'm doing for this potentially failing "novel" of mine. heh if this is ironic enough for you, i have planned to wing it.
i've done this before. i've made vows saying that i wont go all out in preparation for a story, but then the story always turns out to be less than crap.
the title of this book-in-process is VODKA: Male Strîppers & A New Neighbor. i've been silently quarreling with myself whether i should edit the title or not. i want to keep the vodka part... and the male strîppers as well. i just don't know what to put in place of the new neighbor.
maybe.. VODKA: Male Stîppers & Ciggies. yes. i think i'll keep the ciggies.
anywho, i'm gonna go watch some tv. later days.
Colleen
Posted at 10:51 am by crows_vein
Thursday, July 08, 2004
embarassed
music: {muse - "time is running out" (acoustic version)}
Our time is running out
And our time is running out
You can't push it underground
We can't stop it screaming out...
i dont really want to go all into it. but i have this... i guess... deformity, well no not necessarily a deformity. a flaw. yes. flaw is a better term for it. i used to be able to get rid of it well, then the process i have been previously using has backfired and only made this flaw more noticable, and now i'm stuck with it. {no it is not my blinking malfunction} it's just something a way more mortifying, something that females should not have to go through. i dont want to say what it is, because i'm afraid that the actual people i know that read this blog will laugh, and i actually do care what they think.
they've probably seen this flaw, it's not hard to miss. its not one of those... private-area problems. just something that cannot be covered up with clothing.
my mom bought something at a local store today to treat it, either the product is very cheap, or maybe the flaw is just too strong. for whatever reason, the process did not work.
now i have to walk out the house and flaunt this lovely flaw of mine. and for a permanent removal of this flaw it costs a lot of money. money in which my family does not have. so i am forever plagued with and embarassed by this flaw. i think i've killed the word "flaw."
i'm going to go drown in sorrow. bye bye.
Colleen
Posted at 05:00 pm by crows_vein
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
the pink ones apply to meh
took this from someone's blog. thanks, person ;) the pink ones are true about me. feel free to take this one. uh, this is my 2nd entry of the day, so make sure you read the other one. thanks a bunch, my lovely lovers.
01. I have a cell phone.
02. I'm obsessed with new things.
03. I'm the youngest child.
04. I am a shopoholic.
05. I love my gauged earrings.
06. I love wearing black eyeliner.
07. I love Daiquiris.
08. I love the weekends.
09. I can't live without lipgloss.
10. I can't live without music.
11. I lived in Tahoe.
12. I spend money I have...and dont have haha
13. I'll be in college for over 4 years. or less?
14. I love designer handbags (Coach, Burberry, Louis Vuitton).
15. I get annoyed easily.
16. I'm afraid of dieing
17. I love the Backstreet Boys... but i like Nsync better lol :-p
18. I have more than a couple horrible memories.
19. I'm addicted to Degrassi.
20. I am a person.
21. My first kiss was unexpected
22. I start school on Jan 4th or 5th
23. I love taking pictures {not being in them}
24. I detest grls who are fake.
25. I can be mean when I want to.
26. My dreams are bizzare..sometimes
27. I am happy.
28. I have way too many pairs of shoes.
29. I've seen Shes all That at least 50 times.
30. I dress how I feel that day
31. I love Charmed.
32. Sometimes I cry for almost no reason.
33. I detest it when people are ridiculously late.
34. I procrastinate. ( sometimes )
35. Winter is my favorite season.
36. I have too many clothes for my closet/dresser...
37. I love to sleep.
38. I wish I was smarter.
39. I am the hottest bachelor
40. I have a lot drama.
41. No one knows my full story of my life.
42. I love my hair
43. I sometimes fight with my parents.
44. I love the beach.
45. I have had the chicken pox.
46. I'm excited for the future.
47. I can't control my emotions.
48. I can't wait till New Year's.
49. I love the show 'Rich s'
50. I love my friends.
51. Christmas is my favorite holiday.
52. I can be very insecure sometimes.
53. I have had a broken bone. ( to many! )
54. I dislike ignorant people.
55. I love my laptop.
56. I <3 guys
57. I state the obvious.
58. I'm a happy person.
59. I love to dance.
60. I love to sing.
61. I cleaning my room.
62. I tend to get jealous very easily. (Honestly I just don't care)
63. I like to play video games.
64. I love John Mayer.
65. I don't like it when I see animals/people getting hurt/abused.
66. I'm a vegetarian/vegan/don't eat beef.
67. I don't like to study for tests.
68. I love playdoh.
69. I am too forgiving.
70. I have a good sense of direction.
71. I love high school.
72. I have a talent of sweet talking my way out of things.
73. I don't drink. {yet}
74. I love kisses on the forehead.
75. I love the color blue.
76. I don't sew.
77. I am not addicted to a|coholic beverages.
78. I love the Olsen twins
79. I'm gonna try out for the softball team.
80. I become stressed easily.
81. I liars.
82. I like comfy sweatpants.
83. Bam Margera is AWESOME. oh man he's hottt
84. I love the smell of fresh laundry.
85. I love my family
86. I don't mind getting shots.
87. I am a perfectionist when it comes to certain things.
88. I always wanted to learn to play the drums. (Any instruments really)
89. I the feeling of failure.
90. I’ve had my heart broken.
91. I would love to have my own fashion line.
92. I can be quite selfish.
93. I still act like a little kid.
94. Above all I despise dishonesty.
95. I can stay on the computer forever.
96. I love music.
97. I wish I was more motivated when it comes to school.
98. I love getting stuff in the mail.
99. I have problems letting go of people
100. I detest the feeling of being alone. (But it comes often.)
Posted at 02:46 pm by crows_vein
irritated
music: {weezer - "hash pipe"}
yesterday i went to the library, and i forgot to mention that i saw sammy d. i love my sammy d. she's hip and happenin'. i gave her a high 5 and then went on my way. that's where yesterday's story ends... here's onto today.
i'm trying to transfer photos from my damned digital camera onto my computer and it's not working. i have failed with flying colors. something went awry, and it's really annoying me. cheap miniscule plastic piece of rubbish. i want to be able to actually show the internet world what i look like, believe it or not ;x
so what happened today... hmm nothing really. arose from my slumber at.. oh say about 8.40, had some lucky charms, watched The Golden Grls just a trifle, then took a shower. i need to get a new razor... i having to shave my legs with that effing thing, it hurts so badly and i keep getting cut. the reason why i'm sharing this with all of you, has flown past me...
so then after i got out of the shower, i got dressed. i was actually going to walk out of the house wearing a halter top, then it occured to me that bruised and rejected vegetables will most likely be thrown at me, so i put on an accepted-by-society shirt instead.
then while i was waiting for my mom to get dressed, i watched a little bit of The Nanny. good american television, a footlosse jewish hair dresser becomes the main care-giver of a british broadway producer's three children and teaches them things that should never be put into context. does this not scream out 'quality entertainment' to you? well, honestly, it is one of my favorite television sitcoms, so i could not care less what your opinions of it are.
so when everyone was dressed, we went to take moira to her swimming lessons. the beautiful thing about it is that i know her instructor. lol it's patty g! everyone loves patty g. i don't know her very well, but we've tossed a couple small conversations back in the day. and when i say back in the day, i mean back when the school year was alive and running. she was in my gym class, she hasn't recognized me at the lessons yet. mainly because the only time she has seen me was when i was heaving, weezing, and gasping for air and hopping up and down trying to keep my participation grade up in gym class.
i've been seeing patty g around a bunch lately. she does book buddies at the library as well. she sees me there a lot, we don't speak to each other. i guess we both feel that there is no need. the only reason we have ever spoken to one another is because aimeé was our lovely little friendship link.
blah, so at moira's lessons, people kept on looking at me... like staring. i think it was because of what i was reading. Yoga Hotel by Maura Moynihan. it's just a book full of short stories, all based on India and stuff like that. i guess the public never figured someone like me to be interested in yoga-infested literature. well excuse me, i've been doing yoga for about 1 year now, and i have an infatuation with the cullture of India. so now you all know. i find all that stuff ver intrigueing. here's a little poem Maura included in her book...
I am a refugee from the new world
seeking asylum in the old world
of immutable truths,
seeking to turn the Wheel of Dharma.
In the new world we were told
that machines would deliver us from slavery,
that this new order would make us free,
as we were dilvered to industrial servitude,
made free to plunder whatever's here,
free to waste our liberty in spurious cheer.
Nature is violated, displaced,
we live hardened to Her pain, have
chosen disavowel, disgrace...
We meet, drenched in evening rain
worlds apart, here we are the same.
by Maura Moynihan
personally, i adore that poem. it is true art.
so anyways, after moira's lessons, we went to the park and let her blow off some excess energy. i sat on stoned chess table listening to my cd player and reading the book. after moira played around, we went to the library to get her some children's books.
the library is my most favorite place in the world. so peaceful, surrounded by many great works from different stitches in time... i find serenity at the library. except for when it's crowded. when it's crowded, i find my way to the stephen king section and sit on the floor, flipping through all his classics.
but today i didn't get to do that, or flip through any books for that matter, i was stuck in the children's room. which wasn't all that bad, i absolutely adore children and their simple literature. i picked out a bunch of books for me to read to moira, i hope she enjoys them.
so then when we went to go check the li'l suckers out, i dropped over to the 'for sale' shelf. 10 cents for paperbacks, 25 cents for hard covers. i grabbed a couple books. Fathers and Sons by Ivan Turvenev, and Gordon by Edith Templeton. i can't wait to read them.
my mom actually yelled at me in front of the clerk. "colleen! you better stop buying books! you read way too much, you're not supposed to, you're eyes will get worse!!"
well sorry, doll, i'm reading all i want. you can't effing restrict me from one of the only things that gives me peace. so i'll become blind, oh well, then i'll read braille. no big whoop.
i am now going to go read outside in the yard. toodles to you all.
Colleen
Posted at 12:25 pm by crows_vein
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