I AM COLLEEN.
I'm Colleen.
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Monday, July 19, 2004
you look good wearing my future
aggravated
music: {the hives - "supply and demand"}
have you ever tasted a waywardly driven tear? it tastes bitter and sweet... like your lips again mine.
don't know where that came from, just felt like writing a little creative one-liner. maybe i'll extend it into a sonnet or something. maybe a free verse, i dont see any rhyming coming my way. i havent written anything in a while really... i'm quite disappointed.
i've been working on this "novel" of mine, which i'm sure you remember me telling you about it, if you're a regular here. i've completely changed the title. it went from being "vodka: male strîppers and ciggies" to being "anglophilia."
and not only have i changed the title, i've made some more minor alterations.
the main character, dulcy, the name was taken from a caleida journal, is english. that's not a change. she was always english ;) the plot previously was just a conflict of her finding love with her best friend or a new neighbor.
now her mother comes into the picture, visits from her home in california, and tries to set her daughter up with a man. only because the other 5 of her daughters are married and expecting.
dulcy lies to her mother on the telephone and tells her that she already has a boyfriend, only to avoid the horrible potentials that she dishes out. so her mother comes to visit, to meet this man, and then she would be on her way.
the man posing as her boyfriend is her not-so-flamingly gây bestfriend. josheph, aka "sepher."
and while this lovely charade is carrying itself out, her new neighbor whom has moved into the apartment next door to her, and whom dulcy has shared an affectionate moment with, has difficulty absorbing the idea of her being unavailable.
eh... i'm sure its been done before... its horribly cliché, but i just need a break from the vampyric and demônic stories i'm always drowning myself in.
also... i'm debating whether this should be a "book" or a play script. i'm not sure. i was hoping i could have it a movie script, and pull it off. but... i dont know yet.
because, i visualize all these scenes in my head, in so much detail. i dream about them, i ponder about them. and i just cant see myself writing it as a book, with figurative imagery. i see this being literal, i see this work being born into a movie or a play, one that someone can actual feel and see. and, eventually, i do see myself growing to be a playwright or a script writer. maybe even a director.
anywho, today was a lazy day. tomorrow we're going to the pool to help moira brush up on her swimming skills, the ones in which she is in lack of.
later days.
oh, i just watched "Some Kind of Wonderful." lovely 80s flick. i've found a new love for eric stoltz. his character was just the sweetest person... and yet the highly impossible to exist. but oh well. that movie is where i got the name for this entry, i just loved the last words. anywho, many thanks for reading my blog, tag me, wont you?
Colleen
Posted at 04:33 pm by crows_vein
Sunday, July 18, 2004
[ this is what i wrote yesterday, but didnt have time to publish]
amused
music: {veruca salt - "sweedish fish"}
well today was just full of fun.
in the morning, during breaky, my parents gave me a lovely lecture on how i should not spend my summer on my ass and waste it away like a pubber holding a corona. they didnt really say it in so many words, but i got the idea.
they actually drove me to tears, which shouldnt really shouldnt leave you gobsmacked, because i'm an easy person to make cry. excuse me for being just a trifle effeminate.
anywho, they started talking about my summer plans and such... i have no summer plans. is that such a bad thing? they yelled at me for not getting a job yet. well, oops on me if the places that i want to work dont hire 15 year olds. is that my fault?
i'm not going to do some job that i dont like for money. i'm not that desperate. i'm patient enough to wait til i'm sixteen. i'm not working at dunkin donuts, no chance.
i want to work at a video store, preferably blockbuster, i've got more passion for films and video games than i will ever have for another human being.
better yet, i'll apply to a cd store, doing the bitch work. i'll lift heavy things, i'll vaccuum the rugs, i just want to be around music and movies... loser-ific, but wtf?
well... well... taking the detail that i'm not old enough for a job like that into consideration, i've decided to pull a zaca {lol} and start looking for babysitting gigs. i love children, i've got experience. i'm a certified CPR person, and i've taken classes on babysitting. kids love me, or so they claim.
so brittykins... if you've got any little children relatives that need a babysitter, put a good word in for me. XD
i'm going to start handing out papers at the church and library. they're people always there looking for a sitting-on-babies-person. i'm good at sitting on children ;)
just a moment ago, i finished watching quueer eye for the straight guy. {purposely mispelt, darlings} and i loved it once again. they are just positively hilarious. and then... and then... *heavy breath* i watched the UK Version. two of the best things in the world...british fruits :D i loved it so much, i was plastered onto the telli, my dad walked in and he called me a homophile and an anglophile. i found that pretty amusing as well.
well, tomorrow's pool day. cant wait to expose myself to a countless amount of absolute strangers. never been so chuffed in my entire waking days.
[today's entry]
fatigued
music: {something coporate - "in the pocket"}
today i went to the pool. whoo... no one was there, we were the only swimmers for a while. then a few people came, some annoying children with their aquatic play-things... dont get in the effing pool with an ice cream cone in your hand.
we swam around, moira didnt want to ride on my back. so i swam alone for a while underwater with my eyes open. note to self: never get in the pool with eye make up. my eyes started to buuuurn so much after a while.
i cried so much because they stung. they still do actually, but not as strongly. after i took a nap at home, the pain died down a tidbit.
but while we were at the pool, i taught her how to swim and stuff. held her torso while she floated and kicked, held her waiste while she paddles her arms and blew bubbles. one of the lifeguards confronted me and told me that i'd make a good swimming instructor. i could see myself doing that. mom said that all the other lifeguards on duty and shifts were watching me teach moira with severe interest. haha.
today's not much of an entry... i dont really feel like writing much. i'm just pondering about some stuff.
brittykins, feel better. dont drown yourself in agony if you dont see mike all that much. he's a great person, absotively posilutely perfect, but you dont need him or any other guy to have a good life and be happy. but i do hope your skies brighten soon.
Colleen
Posted at 04:59 pm by crows_vein
Friday, July 16, 2004
zeus ran out of lightening bolts
peachy keen
music: {something corporate - "inside the pocket"}
today was once again a day of laziness and vegetation.
i woke up, my parents werent home for what ever reason. some INS meeting for my mom and citizenship in the city... or w.e.t.f
i gave moira breakfast while she sat around watching cartoons. after that i made my bed, then cleared my floor of any kind of rubbish and did my yoga while listening to Morroccan Spirit. {some free cd dad brought back from work}
its actually kind of soothing. no lyrics, just hindu spiritual instrumental stuff. a good tune to yogalize to. {yogalize, lol my new verb}
katelyn invited me to the beach tomorrow with her and her mom, and possibly Ginny or Kayla. i didnt really want to go in the first place, i'm not a beach person. i wouldnt be all that fun any how. i'd be the beached whale lying on a towel with her nose in a book. w00t. plus, i have to babysit tomorrow anyways. the 'rents are going someplace and i've gotta supervise the youngin. w00t to that as well.
but sunday... sunday should be a great day. sunday... we're going to the town pool. anthony sanchez pool. {dont really fancy it all that much, but hey...what can ya do? zeus ran out of lightening bolts.} mom's gonna wear her bikiini...agh... i dont really want to see my mom in a bikiini, i've already caught her walking around the house in a thong. i mean, dude, my mom is gorgeous, but she's my mom. and it makes me feel a little weird... having my 41 year old mother wearing a bikiini, and me wearing a black swim suit with a skirt. maybe just a little jealous. eh... "jealousy" is not a good word to explain it, but... "uncomfortableness" can take it away.
anywho, sunday will be the first time ever in 2 long years that i get in a pool. so very excited about it. i absolutely adore swimming, its the only thing that makes me feel whole. sure, yogalizing {i'm going to abuse this new verb of mine as much as i can} fills the empty space, but theres still room for something else. and that "something else" my dear comrades, is swimming. the pool... the water... the clerity of it all. you get in a pool, and you only have one effing thing to accomplish. swim. its simple and it is positively beautiful. i just cant wait.
i dont really take a liking to the fact that there will be a lot of people there keeping me under some serious scrutiny... but hey, you cant pluck our everyone's eyes... its just not right...
oh also kate might be coming along, under my mother's idea. i was kind of looking forward to it just being me, moira, and mom. i love kate, dont get me wrong, she's oh so fabulous-o. but...i dont know, i just want this occassion to be by myself, no one else. stupid yes, but i havent been in a pool for almost 2 years. i dont want to spend time undermining myself marco polo and rainbow. i want to swim laps, i want to dive... i want to skim the floors of the pool with my hands. i want to be alone.
sure, it'll be abso-effing-lutely fun with kate there, i know we'll have an uber-cool time. i just want the fun to wait to expose itself next time. i'm taking a bunch of online quizzes, and pasting the picturesque results onto my blog. very bored.
vid pic of the day: Breaking Benjamin - "So Cold"
i watched it a few minutes ago, and i fell arse over elbows for both their music and their lead singer ;)
later days, my lovers.
Colleen
Posted at 06:58 pm by crows_vein
Thursday, July 15, 2004
cynical
music: {the kinks - "you really got me"} <~classic song of the ages. hear it. know it. love it.
eh, today is a lounging day. i've been on my ass for a while, can't really complain about it. i'm not exactly in the "social" mood. yesterday was a depressing re-run for me.
my older sister called and wanted just to chit-chat with me. w00t w00t. so she asked me what's new, i didnt know how to answer. a lot was new... a lot that i wasnt ready to tell her. a lot that i couldnt tell her with my parents in the house.
so... i explained to her that what i wanted to share with her was something i could not say in front of mom and dad. she immediately took the hint and asked, "did you kiss a boy?"
my older sister, whom is 21 years of age on the surface, is most certainly a derranged 16 year old on the inside. and always has been.
i said yes to her oh-so blunt question, and she almost had a seizure... then she asked so many effing questions, i couldnt keep track of the answers i gave her. it was terrible. she asked me a fuzz-load of things about tom... oh is he cute? is he smart? how old is he? what grade is he going into? is he nice? what's his name? then, she made fun of his name...
and then, she lectured me about pre-mature relations. she warned me, she told me don't get into anything serious... you're very young...
blah blah blah, old news. i know all these things. i'm not the type of person that'll bonk the first guy they fall for. i'm not her. she has made thousands of mistakes in her life, i'm not holding them against her, but she really has no right to tell me what and what not to do. i'm responsible enough to make my own decisions.
if she knew my opinions on the world... if she actually spent some effing time with me. if she didnt move out at the age of 17 and stay in california when we moved to new york... she would actually know me by now. she would know that i'm not a clone of her. she would know that i will not repeat history and get pregnant at 18. she would know that i will never ever have those kind of relations with a person. she would know that i am very much strongly against that type of thing. but oops for her, she neglected our family before she graduate high school and moved in with her unofficial beau.
i'm sorry if it seems like i'm insulting her, but i'm not. she brought up the mistakes she has made in her time, and it is her fault. she mentioned them, i'm just carrying it on.
i'm a prude little virgin, and i'm going to die a prude little virgin. a prude little unmarried virgin at that.
she told me... dont have *the s word* until you're married.
then she had a stroke when i told her i dont believe in marriage.
and then she really collapsed when i told her i plan on staying celibate my whole life.
it was entertaining... but still a thorn in my paw.
i love my sister, i really do. i idolize her for getting through all the rough times, and raising her two year old son so beautifully. but i look up at her from so many different angles... and yet i still see the irresponsible 16 year old cross country runner that i saw 5 years ago. i see the footloose high school reject, even though now she's got a son and a life of her own. she's still 16, and no matter what... i will always be older than her, not in a literal sense, but psychologically.
she's come a long way in life. and last night... she was only trying to tell me things that'll keep me away from her past dangers. she doesnt have to worry about anything. i told her that a countless amount of times during our phone conversation, but her skull is just as thick as my mother's. solid stone.
anywho, on to today. today i got my bathing suit in the mail. mom ordered it from some catalogue. yea, apparently it was expensive. i told her i dont need a bathing suit this summer, bathing suits are a waste of time for someone like me. she just doesnt understand that i would prefer to live my life without exposing myself in any way. but she still bought me a swim suit nonetheless. she was actually going to buy me a . hah, is she trying to kill me?
the suit she got me is black, has a little skirt attached to it, a cute little belt, a zipper in the bosom area. it doesnt resemble one of an old lady. its actually quite pretty. i tried it on, sad to say that i like it. it fits well... but i'm still not a bathing suit type of person. i'm more of a jump-in-fully-clothed kind of gal ;)
lets just see how it goes, shall we? we shall.
oh i've become interested in new tv show. well it's not new to society, its new to me.Two Guys and a Gîrl. very classic and clean humor, with the occassional soiling of the mind. its funny.
how did i come unto this new television program? lol... it's quite an amusing story. i was looking through the iO channel guide, and i saw the words "Two Guys"... teehee. thinking it was something else, i pressed "select" in a doozy {i was sadly mistaken} and BOOM! three college mates living life in boston. or what i think is boston. oh well.
its on in an hour, so i'm going to go set myself down in front of a good book, and wait for the short 60 minutes to pass. aloha!
Colleen
Posted at 12:18 pm by crows_vein
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
apathetic
music: {rufio - "one slow dance"}
i'm very bored... actually..."bored" is an understatement. there is no word in any dictionary that can explain how "bored" i am. and i feel that i'm going to be bored all day today.
mom went to her morning english classes, and i am once again home alone with moira. i got her dressed for her swimming lessons, and she got very angry with me because when i brushed her hair, it hurt. well...it's not my fault, shes got very curly hair and it doesnt take as much for it to tangle as it does to detangle. and i'm rough, oops for me. its not easy for me to brush someone elses hair. i spaz out when i brush my own hair, come effing on.
i guess we're all just a little hostile because we know mom's not going to be home as much anymore. we've been relying on her for everything. and i'm ashamed of it. i would like to finally cut the damned umbilical cord and live my own life, not depend on her for all that has to be done.
my little sister is not yet ready to go through the separation anxiety that will come along from the newly found independence. so if she needs to tear anybody to shreds...i'm her rag doll.
the rest of the day is not going to carry out smoothly. mom was very angry with my dad last night because he invited little richie over for some coffee and television. we dont call him little richie all that much, considering he's nearing his 28th year of existence.
anywho, mom has just come back from her very first day of english college courses, and she was ready to spill out her happy emotions with dad, when she walked in to find richie sitting in her chair. she didn't fancy that much. i cant blame her. would you like to see a very distance relative in your home when you're on the verge of crying tears of joy?
yes, she was extremely happy. and she had to suck in all her pride and all her self-approval to greet richie. i saw the agony in her eyes... i felt horrible.
after he left, my mom finally imploded. then everythin just...burst on the inside. and then eventually it all came splurging out. there was no happiness to be found. it was all rage and angst... and some more rage. i've never seen her this heated about something in her life.
yesterday was the first time she's ever been in a class room in almost 30 years. she never went to high school... barely finished junior high. and now she's back in the student's desk, ready to learn what she has. she was so effing happy for once. yes, for once she was planning her own success, not someone else's. not mine, not vanessas, not my dads. hers, her very own success was being set on a platter before her. and who pist on that platter? both my dad and cousin richie. of course, rich was very oblivious to the whole importance of it... but of course, he's majoring in philosophy, he's got nothing close to the potential my mother has.
i love my dad, and most of the time i've stuck on his side when my parents fight. but this time i'm right beside mom. well...last night...technically i was in my bed covering my ears with my pillow, but i was still rooting for mom. *w00t*
anywho, i'll just stop ranting... and go drink some lemonade. later days, my lavish lovers. be well.
Colleen
Posted at 07:53 am by crows_vein
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
tired
music: {the clash - "should i stay or should i go?"}
today was nothing special. mom went to her english classes again... and was out all day. i was left with the little angel formerly known as moira.
to get her off my back for an acceptable amount of time, i sat her down and made her watch Harriot The Spy. she didn't fancy it as much as i had expected.
i was rather fond of it in the old days, i was obsessed with that flick. i used to run with a broken compass, old binoculars, and a notebook around the neighborhood and wrote absolute nonsense. whatever it was that i could, i wrote it down.
my neighbors despised me... but they were only jealous 'cause i was a very talented and geniuine spy, unlike their own misinformed insignificant children...muaha! lol.
hmm.. what else? i watched I Love The 90s: 1990 and 1991. pretty funny stuff, lemme tell ya. i love vh1, pure genius.
i'm tired... i'm hot... i'm bored... and i'm deprived of my effing Outback Jack. the only available tv in the house is moiras, and shes ready to go to sleep. so ha...i cant watch the show down between the fems and the butches. pity... the competition would have been beyond entertaining. it started out pretty well.
i'm so bored. i dont feel like reading a book right now, and i dont feel like writing in my blog. i dont feel like doing anything but watch tv...
i'm going to go surf around the net. later.
Colleen
Posted at 06:38 pm by crows_vein
Monday, July 12, 2004
like a pawn in a game of chess
blah
music: {placebo - "my sweet prince"}
Basics
Name:: colleen
Birthdate:: in may
Age:: fifteen
Birthplace:: a university, as opposed to a hospital...
Eldest, Middle, Youngest, Only Kid?: middle. cause i'm hip like that.
Family:: ...not as lovely as the bradys, but not as undesirable as the osbournes.
Pets:: none, sadly.
Life
Do you go to school:: yes.
What is your highest level achieved?: just finished 9th
Religion:: don't, just don't.
Do you have friends?: yes i do.
Do you like to be lonely?: it depends on the situation. lonely is the wrong form of the word. i like to use "alone." lonely is when you're reluctantly alone. and want someone, i dont like to be lonely.
Appearences
What color are your eyes?: brown.
Do you like it?: i cant complain. i dont really look at my eyes.
What color eyes do you want?: green, but i dont care.
What color is your hair?: brownish...whatever.
Do you like it?: no.
What color do you want?: i want it dark maroon.
Do you dye your hair?: i did.
If yes, how regularly?: not regularly. did it once.
Do you wear glasses?: yep.
Do you have a trademark?: uh, my toe thong?
How tall are you?: 5'3.5
What's your heritage/nationality?: half mexican, quarter italian, quarter scottish
Do you have the same hairstyle everyday?: no. yes. maybe.
Do you think you look exciting?: exciting? are you asking me if i've got an adrenaline-rushing appearance? no. i'm not.
Are you self concious?: not in a conceited way. its kind of a... "too insecure" type of thing.
Do you obsess over your looks?: fifty percent of the time.
Do you even care about your appearences?: i think i'm bipolar. b/c half the time i care too much, and the other half...i couldnt care less.
How long do you spend in the bathroom?: i'm never in the bathroom for something else besides bathing and excreting.
About life... again
Punk/Goth/Ghetto/Prep/Jock/Nerd/Other (list)? stereotype?: i dont label myself, but other people do. what am i? nerd, punk, outcast? i dont know, ask the stereotypical people that know me.
Do you pick your nose? In secret?: doesnt everybody at one point? be realistic.
Do you like yourself? Life?: no to the first, and maybe to the second.
Are you liked by people?: people like me... i dont necessarily like them.
Do you want to become famous?: not in the celebrity catagory. in the...novelist/interior designer section yes.
Do you want to make a difference in this big world?: possibly.
Why?: it was a childhood dream, it could be reawakened at any moment.
Fun Stuff
Which celebrities do you worship in secret?: too many. it varies often.
Blues/Rock/Jazz/Classical/Pop/Urban/Country?: rock. classical.
Are you one of those people who diss fans of a music genre you don't like?: if i know the person well, i might joke about their music. but i dont intentionally insult someone elses music. whatever rocks their socks. just keep it away from me.
Which pop princess s you?: is that supposed to make sense? i dont like britney spears.
Can you sing?: not well enough.
Can you act?: when my benefit is in question ^_^
Who is your fave actor?: matthew perry above all. then comes jason lee, pauly shore, the young anthony michael hall, tom green, etc
Fave movie?: hrmmm.... too many to love. ferris buellers day off. pretty in pink. the shape of things. the fifth element
Backstreet Boys or Nsync?: nsync all the way. i was a very loyal fan back in the day.
Good Charlotte or Blink 182?: blink 182 by far.
Christina Aguilera or Britney Spears?: christina, her voice is so much better.
Slayer or Black Sabbath?: black sabbath, go old school metal.
The Beatles or The Monkees?: i've never heard anything by the monkees. beatles it is.
ABBA or the A Teens?: i dont like either of them.
Guilty pleasure?: british accent, boxers, men and men action :D
The Simpsons or Family Guy?: hm... i dont know, they're both phenomenal.
MTV... yeah or neah?: neah. they've got some nice shows, i like room raiders. but what happened to the music vids?
Friends
Do you have a group of friends?: several groups. dont see 'em much anymore.
How many?: i'm not going to count my friends.
To an onlooker, what would your group be viewed as?: the people that dont care about onlookers views :D
Who are you closest to?: figuratively? my brittykins.
Who is your best friend?: brittykins :D
Are any of them bad influences?: all of them are in minor ways lol
Who are you in your group? The leader? The leader's bitch? The follower?: i'm not a leader nor a follower. and there is no leader in our group. so i cant be the bitch. i'm just a member.
Are you dirty minded?: yes, and at the same time..quite prudish ;x
Do you have any ual feelings towards friends?: i dont ever have those kind of feelings towards anybody.
Generally, how are you viewed in your group?: i dont know, ask them.
Do your friends know you?: oh too well.
Relationships:
Are you single or taken?: uh... neither. if that's possible.
If single:
Do you want to stay single?: i'm not single. and if i was, i wouldnt want to be. i'm so very needy like that...
Why are you single?: if i was single, it'd be because i'm not allowed to have a relationship, and because i'm not desirable enough towards people. oops for me.
Do you date around?: never have, never will. i dont believe in flings, just long term relationships.
When was the last time you have a bf/gf?: never actually had one. am i missing something because of it?
If taken:
Boyfriend/Girlfriend?: well the possible person in my life is a guy.
How long have you been together?: i'm not sure what to call the beginning of this affair.
How serious are you?: obviously not serious enough. i never see him. and hes not technically my boyfriend.
How many exes have you had?: none.
How exes has your partner had?: i dont care.
Are you physically attracted to your bf/gf?: i dont know how to recognize physical attraction. but sure he's a catch.
Why?: who knows...
When was the first kiss?: i memorized the exact date and time. but it was at a friends shin-dig.
First date?: never actually had one...
Do you love him/her?: not sure in what way, but yes.
Does their family adore or you?: never met them.
How far have you gone with your bf/gf?: french kissing is my limit.
Does your family or adore him/her?: never met him.
What do you think of his/her mother?: never met her. i hear she's cold hearted. but all mom's are. its a requirement.
How did you meet?... have I asked this already?: no you havent, and we met at lunch when my best friend started going out with a guy. our little groups combined. and he and i clashed.
What gendre arouses you the most?: at this point in my life, i havent decided, and i dont mind. i dont get aroused.
Life... yet again.
Are you bored?: now? maybe.
Can you play any instruments? Which ones?: no, i'm musically challenged.
Math or English?: english. ask me something harder next time.
The Arts or Sciences?: you just did. the arts. science is nice, but i only like biology.
Technical or Creative?: actually, there really isnt a difference. i'll aim for creative.
Are you poetic?: possibly. i write poetry, and conjure up little verses in my head from time to time.
How many babies do you want?: i want 2.
Do you spend most of your time on the net?: yes. and on my ass.
What do you think of your country's leader?: if i gave my honest opinion, i'd be arrested.
Do you love me?: sure, why not. everyone throws around that word like a hot potato. i love you.
Why?: cause you're a complete and utter stranger.
What kind of meat do you like to eat?: i dont prefer one over the other.
What's your favourite food?: korean, sushi, ny pizza
Drink?: pepsi, lemonade, iced tea
I'm bored now. Wanna stop?: i dont really care.
Because I am.
A long survey to do when you are bored brought to you by BZOINK!
Posted at 07:01 pm by crows_vein
dhanurasana + mike's birthday present
drained
music: {placebo - "scared of grls"}
Her younger sister
has a blister
where i kissed her
on her thigh
this is a great song, my favorite one on the album. MUAHA! brittykins you've finally become infatuated with the song "every you every me." its really good isnt it? shall i burn the album for you? i'd be glad to :D just give me the up, if ya want it.
i'm quite tired... drained as shown above. i dont know why though, i did my yoga earlier this morning, and that usually energizes me. rejuvinates me, actually. i think i'm so fatigued because i tried to hold bow pose {dhanurasana} for 10 minutes again... didn't work, my darlings. i failed. i could barely hold it for 3 minutes. i did it for 9 last time! 9 minutes! i went from 9 to 3, that's unacceptable. unacceptable, indeed. i'm very diappointed in myself...
oh well, the world isnt ending... yet.
hmm... i've read my comments recently for my past entry... zaca you're a great person, thank you for your opinion. and i agree with it entirely. its not good for me to obsess over tom.. but hey.. i'm an obsessive kind of person.
to be honest... i don't think i love him all that much, not as much as i figure i do. i think i've just created an image of him in my mind and made him seem so perfect and wonderful, that i've fallen in love with that image and that image only. i'm not sure... i'm just... i'm not really used to feeling emotion. well, yes i am, but not one thats mutual. i'm accustomed to loving from afar, and that is it. arg... i just really detest all of this.
i dont know, i just don't know anymore. i dont know what to think of tom, i dont how to stop me from thinking of him, and i just cannot control anything...
oh i'll just try to forget about him.. just erase him. can i do that?
and britty thank you for your comment as well... but i dont deserve that great of a person, let me tell you. chances are that toms too good for me. but whatever, i'm not going to worry about my personal life anymore. it'll only infect me like a virus...
blah whatever. today i've got an orthodontist appointment, and if i spelt that wrong, my mistake. i dont want to go, because i dont want to have to ask him when my braces are coming off. my dad wants to know but i dont. i dont want them to come out anytime soon, they've fused together with my teeth. they've become one form. i've grown so used to them. and i'm afraid to see how dirty my teeth are underneath when they come off ;x i'm not a clean person, OCD hasnt taken over all of me.
arg... good bye. off to go get dressed. haha yes i'm in a towel.
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heres a story i wrote a while ago, and this is what i happened to give mike for his birthday present. i feel like sharing it with all of you. enjoy.
Eulogy of an Immortal
Xandre’s old English teacher had spoken so low and so soft that I could not hear him from even the shortest distance. I was in the front row, sitting with my hands pressed on top of my thighs in agitation. I was trying to hard to hear him and his eulogy, but now I regret ever striving to…
…Leonardo Da Vinci had once alleged, “One that does not value life, does not deserve it.” To Xandre Carson, no phrase had made more sense to him than this one had. The point of this is not to promote termination of one’s self, but to emphasize the fact that he wished to terminate his own. It was not that he did not value life, but he just did not understand it.
To him, life was a dream. Nothing was real. Everything he had touched was an object in his subconscious that was conveniently tangible. He believed that instead of there being a God or some omnipotent being that had created the world, human beings never were really created. Just manipulated. To Mr. Carson, the world was pre-set. To him, the only thing that lied up there in the sky was the horribly written (but final draft version) Script of Life. (Editing was prohibited) This theory of his had brought many controversial altercations upon him, but he enjoyed nothing else but to watch the chaos around him. So many people had opposed this theory, and yet and equal amount of people agreed with it. All he did was watch the civil war amongst the races that he had caused.
To minimize his group of thoughts and speculations, he placed his whole philosophy of the world in one simple and terse statement: “Life is a puppet show, we are the rag dolls, and fate is the puppet master. The strings are not meant to be cut.”
Acting like a form of fodder (material for stimulating response), Xandre’s voice had an impact on the world, just as well as the music he wrote and played for pleasure. He was a musician, and the songs he conjured up had affected everyone here today. He was like the guitar he had loved to play; for each pluck of the strings, there is a different sound.
Mr. Alexandre Joseph Carson was a book of many pages, and yet he still managed to stay a blank canvas in our hearts…
I was raring to go up there and garrote him. Possibly smother him with the cushion of my seat. He sounded like the person lying in that casket was a suicidal schizoid. Xandre was a great person; he was my best friend, my companion. He was always there for me; whether it was as thick as , or as thin as water. He was like my shoulder; always there when I turned around.
The tears were burning my eyes, as if my eyeballs were now producing radioactive acid. Mr. and Mrs. Carson were to my left. Mrs. Carson sounded like she was having lung spasms from her underestimated crying.
I sat there wondering if Xandre was in heaven, or if there was a heaven at all. I never really considered his mixed up theories and thoughts about the after life that didn’t exist, but now that he’s … My mind is an open cage. I always used to tease and tantalize him, saying that he was going to hell for not having any faith. Ironic or not, he had had faith in hell.
Now that he’s gone off in some paranormal world that probably isn’t even out there, there is a permanent breach in my heart. A , if you will. It’s almost as if my heart was a ceramic pot, and Xandre’s hands were holding it up… then when he died, it fell to its doom and split its rim.
I wonder how he did it. How he pulled it off. Dusting himself and all. The Carson’s never told me, not even his cousin Melanie (who just so happened to be engaged to my older brother). When I asked what happened, she just shook her head and sobbed. I guess it was too painful for her to graphically sketch out in her head. It would be for me too, reenacting an incident like that.
It’s an thought – yes – but my theory (for once I have one) that he had hung himself. And his screams of agony were muddled around in his throat so much that he couldn’t get them out. Maybe he jumped off the fourteen-story apartment building his sister lived in… Oh I can barely imagine the pain of that. But I can imagine him flying over and subjugating the clouds on his way down. He must have felt serene rather than afraid as he flew downward. I wish I could feel that way.
Now that he’s gone, there’s not really any point in keeping the guitar he left me in his will. My mother told me to put it in the attic, to let it tarnish and sully with dust. I thought that was a good idea… to forget about him, you know? But then I considered the possibility of me finding it years later, and then recollecting the antagonizing memories of his songs that he wrote me.
When I said he was my best friend, I was exaggerating, and stalling from telling you the truth… He was my boyfriend, and unbeknownst to anyone else, he was my fiancé. Two months before he… did what he did… he proposed. No ring, no drop-down-on-one-knee routine. He just pressed his forehead on to mine, and asked the question I thought no one else would (especially at my age of 17). To compensate for the lack of an engagement-band, he gave me his guitar pick. The exact same one that his grandfather learned to play on. He told me to keep it forever. After the exchange of gifts, we spent the night together… and I will never forget it.
Mrs. Carson’s tears were now occurring at spasmodic intervals, and I was ready to throw a chair at her. And then I realized she must have felt ten times worse than I did…
…And now I lie here in the back of an emergency truck on Highway 67, on a gurney as cold as artic wind, with my first child in my arms. I know it’s too early to determine the physical features of a newly born baby, but he has his father’s face. Xandre’s face.
The little imps running around in my head, baring doubts and questions of my early motherhood, had finally stopped their jeering. I am holding Xandre’s child. The only thing left that I have of him.
This new child of mine will stand unbridled against the winds of life, he will not crumble as his father had once done. He will face the fire and walk into the storm. He will cope with the cumbersome burdens of responsibility. He will fight off the marauders of dignity, and laugh in the face of humiliation.
I am now looking down at my little piece of Xandre, and I wonder what to name him. Ryan, meaning fire. He will be strong and untouchable. Those wrinkly fingers of his will give him some use; he will learn the guitar as well as his father did, possibly better.
With one hand supporting my Ryan, I slip my hand into my pants pocket and feel for the guitar pick.
Life is a puppet show, humanity is indeed the puppets… but the strings will someday be cut.
Colleen M
Posted at 10:08 am by crows_vein
Sunday, July 11, 2004
upset
music: {placebo - "the crawl"}
yea, well yesterday i mentioned that i went to the mall with the trusty keito. it was fun, up until we went into hot topic {my sanctuary}. i could live in that store, i swear it. but then i reached the t-shirt section... the little plastic cases that they have hanging on the wall... i looked at all the them, and i saw a bunch of ones that tom has ;( his bright orange mushrôom one, the one that says "don't make me go zelda on you," and the one that has "things you learn from playing video games." that made me very very sad...
i dont know, its just... its just tom, you know? no, evidently you don't. i'm such a loser... being reminded of him just by looking at pieces of clothing. how sad is that?
i was going to buy one. yes, i was going to buy the orange "you lose" shirt but i didn't have enough money. i barely had any money, just the gift card for FYE from keito...
i'm so sad now...
bah, on a lighter note, my dad returned last night from canada, CANADA!!! he didn't bring us any souvenirs. i wanted a canadian person ;( well, i'm glad hes back anyways, because my mother was driving me insane, and still is. but he slightly saves me from her contagious mental disorder... oh i'm tired. my eyelids are very heavy...
agh, going to go read some stuff and then maybe take a little nappers. later days, my darlings.
Colleen
PS, moira and i didn't burn the house down last night, whee!
Posted at 12:31 pm by crows_vein
Saturday, July 10, 2004
alan ruck's son on qu33r eye? + edit
amused
music: {my chemical romance - "i'm not okay (i promise)"}
i adore this song =)
blah so... what to update on? hmm...
OH! i just watched my very first episode of Eye For The Straight Guy. it was so effing funny.
it was the one with the beach bum and his monthly night. i loved it, positively loved it.
they're so very awesomely hilarious, i heart the fab five. i would love for them to give my dad a make over... just so i could meet them :D that'd be so effing great.
did any of you people ever notice that kyan douglas -- the one with the uber-hair dryer -- looks like cameron from ferris bueller's day off? {the actors name is alan ruck}
This is Alan Ruck (younger)...
And this is Kyan Douglas.
that's not one of his better photos, you have to see him in the show, and then, only then, you shall compare. yea i'm a loser. all i know is that kyan douglas is a cutie :D
todays not going to be much of a day. dads coming back from canada later {and i mean later} tonight. its saturday, i'm highly bored out of my mind. i'll probably call keito and wonder if she wants to hang. she lives close, shes the only one of my friends {if you dont count amber} that my mom actually kind of likes. my mom adores amber... shes so very well behaved. you know what she told me when i had her over for my "birthday"? she said "oh, colleen, you can learn a lot from amber."
so yes, theres a possibility that i will be disowned and they will adopt amber after they have successfully killed her parents...
oh well. yea i'm gonna go sleep. its like...1.30, but i'm tired. later days.
Colleen
***More Stuff To Add***
NO MOOD
music: {placebo - "you don't care"}
it ish now 6 pm, and i'm home. yes britty i'm babysitting, and not happy about missing ze parade.
at around 2, keito called and asked if i could go with her to bayshore mall. my mom didnt like the idea because she wanted to make sure i was back in time to babysit. 2 hours would be enough. kates mom talked her into it, and we went for a while. i bought the placebo cd "without you i'm nothing." listening to it now. pretty good. i loves it. some interesting lyrics that arent as well thought as i'd expect. we got pretzels and lemonade and then went on our way. i love kates mom, she's so effing cool. i wish kate would stop treating her so badly. kate swears with her all the time and calls her mean things, and just gives her a horrible attitude. she shouldnt do what with company, i mean, its very inconsiderate. but oh well.
eh so anyways mom went out to go take an english test for english education or whatever the hell at 4, and i'm stuck with my little sister. she's learning how to use the remote control for the television, and she changed it some movie on iO and it was a bad...BAD scene for her little eyes to perceive. i think it was american pie 2, or something in that region. i yelled at her and put the control where she couldnt reach it. in my closet ;P
i dont know what i'm supposed to make for her for dinner... we have absolutely nothing to eat. maybe i'll order pizza. she'll love that. i'm not going to eat, once again, i'm not hungry.
mother fureakin' son of a wench... she turned off the cable box. toodles.
Colleen
Posted at 10:30 am by crows_vein
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