I AM COLLEEN.
I'm Colleen.
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Friday, July 23, 2004
pīssed off
music: {chevelle - "family system"}
i just fūcking asked my mom is britt can come over tomorrow and she said no. she fūcking said now. yea and as you can see i'm not very fūcking happy about it.
i havent seen britt in over a month, and mom just doesnt fūcking understand that she is my best friend. my very best friend. she just tries so fūcking hard for me to be best friends with the people she approves of. like kate. i dont know, moms obsessed with kate. i love kate, but she's not my best friend. she doesnt tell me her inner most feelings, and i dont confide to her either... we're just really good pals.
mom said no because she doesnt like her...
oh fūcking well! i like her, i love her, my mom just doesnt want me to have a life... GRR...
you see...i would call up brittany if i wanted to talk to her so much. but usually when i do, i'm the one that talks a lot, and we only talk about the unimportant things. i ramble on about chihuahas and squirrels...and stupid random things like that. i detest talking on the phone, i would much rather use AIM or talk face to face. i dont like hearing people and not seeing them. i would rather hear them and see them, or not hear and see them at all. i'm a weird person. i dont like phones. they're evil...
but...GRR
i'm going to go break something....
Colleen
Posted at 06:39 pm by crows_vein
indifferent
music: {sum 41 - "in too deep"}
today was a boring day. nothing special. going to call britt whenever mom comes back from wherever she went. hopefully mom'll let her come over. heres a little strip from www.penny-arcade.com. i love that site, some funny stuff, lemme tell ya. okay, later darlings.
Colleen
Posted at 05:15 pm by crows_vein
Thursday, July 22, 2004
groggy
music: {john mayer- "no such thing"} <~ shut your face.. not my usual choice of music, but i am in a john mayer-y mood.
it's barely 5 pm, and i feel like collapsing onto my bed. it's so alluring... with its piles of unclean clothes, poorly washed linen, and mountains of pillows and blankets forming childish forts... {i've never found it so positively bewitching}...children's books... and oh, lets not forget my giant disoriented teddy bear. i call him "heathen." just 'cause it's a hip word like that.
well... i want to invite brittykins over tomorrow just to hang. but chances are my mom wont fancy that. i don't know... she's... she's just a... je ne sais quoi. i can't put my finger on it. well... i can, i just don't want to use such terms...
we're going to the town hall free screening of "jurassic park" around 6-ish tomorrow, and we might be taking kate and her mom with us.
i asked my mom if i could invite britty, but i dont think she would enjoy it. god knows i wouldnt. i dont really want to watch a movie i've seen over 60 times. i wouldnt be able to talk with britt, and we need a good talkin' because i havent seen her face-to-face quite a while.
also... mom doesnt like brittany. for a stupid reason really.
plus, i dont want to be surrounded by my mom and little sister when i'm trying to spend quality time with my Iesbian lover. {inside joke, do not question it.}
blah, i don't know britt. tomorrow we wont have much time to hang out. because we've got moira's swimming lessons and junk like that. and i know my mother, she'd say "you cant have your friend over AND go to watch jurassic park too." so i cant have my cake and eat it too. stupid euphamism...
gah! britt...i don't know. maybe saturday. maybe saturday. yes, saturday it is.
i'm going to go make some lemonade.
Colleen
Posted at 06:10 pm by crows_vein
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
"coach says its okay to bleed from the ears"
thirsty
music: {incubus - "sick sad little world"}
leave me here in my... stark, raving, sick, sad little world.
i need to get a life.
i've been bored for the past week. all i've been doing is sitting on my ass, watching tv, and surfing the net doing surveys... ugh...
i need to go out, i need to be free. i like being in the house, staying away from sunlight exposure, but come fureakin' on, i'm driving over a cliff here...
you know what... britt... call me, and we can flee this hell hole and hitch a ride to vegas. let's rebel ;) we can... we can... we can start an enterprise.. we can gather mal-nourished people from parishing towns in foreign countries and put them in sweat shops, and work their fingers to the bone...
or we could just sell lemonade outside the local floozy bars x_x
i want to travel, i want to leave the house, i want to socialize. i want to see PEOPLE for once. scary, scary i know. i've never been so desperate to interact with the highly inferior human race before... but... *sigh* desperate times call for desperate measures.
VEGAS IT IS!
Colleen
Posted at 05:20 pm by crows_vein
Monday, July 19, 2004
you look good wearing my future
aggravated
music: {the hives - "supply and demand"}
have you ever tasted a waywardly driven tear? it tastes bitter and sweet... like your lips again mine.
don't know where that came from, just felt like writing a little creative one-liner. maybe i'll extend it into a sonnet or something. maybe a free verse, i dont see any rhyming coming my way. i havent written anything in a while really... i'm quite disappointed.
i've been working on this "novel" of mine, which i'm sure you remember me telling you about it, if you're a regular here. i've completely changed the title. it went from being "vodka: male strīppers and ciggies" to being "anglophilia."
and not only have i changed the title, i've made some more minor alterations.
the main character, dulcy, the name was taken from a caleida journal, is english. that's not a change. she was always english ;) the plot previously was just a conflict of her finding love with her best friend or a new neighbor.
now her mother comes into the picture, visits from her home in california, and tries to set her daughter up with a man. only because the other 5 of her daughters are married and expecting.
dulcy lies to her mother on the telephone and tells her that she already has a boyfriend, only to avoid the horrible potentials that she dishes out. so her mother comes to visit, to meet this man, and then she would be on her way.
the man posing as her boyfriend is her not-so-flamingly gāy bestfriend. josheph, aka "sepher."
and while this lovely charade is carrying itself out, her new neighbor whom has moved into the apartment next door to her, and whom dulcy has shared an affectionate moment with, has difficulty absorbing the idea of her being unavailable.
eh... i'm sure its been done before... its horribly cliché, but i just need a break from the vampyric and demōnic stories i'm always drowning myself in.
also... i'm debating whether this should be a "book" or a play script. i'm not sure. i was hoping i could have it a movie script, and pull it off. but... i dont know yet.
because, i visualize all these scenes in my head, in so much detail. i dream about them, i ponder about them. and i just cant see myself writing it as a book, with figurative imagery. i see this being literal, i see this work being born into a movie or a play, one that someone can actual feel and see. and, eventually, i do see myself growing to be a playwright or a script writer. maybe even a director.
anywho, today was a lazy day. tomorrow we're going to the pool to help moira brush up on her swimming skills, the ones in which she is in lack of.
later days.
oh, i just watched "Some Kind of Wonderful." lovely 80s flick. i've found a new love for eric stoltz. his character was just the sweetest person... and yet the highly impossible to exist. but oh well. that movie is where i got the name for this entry, i just loved the last words. anywho, many thanks for reading my blog, tag me, wont you?
Colleen
Posted at 04:33 pm by crows_vein
Sunday, July 18, 2004
[ this is what i wrote yesterday, but didnt have time to publish]
amused
music: {veruca salt - "sweedish fish"}
well today was just full of fun.
in the morning, during breaky, my parents gave me a lovely lecture on how i should not spend my summer on my ass and waste it away like a pubber holding a corona. they didnt really say it in so many words, but i got the idea.
they actually drove me to tears, which shouldnt really shouldnt leave you gobsmacked, because i'm an easy person to make cry. excuse me for being just a trifle effeminate.
anywho, they started talking about my summer plans and such... i have no summer plans. is that such a bad thing? they yelled at me for not getting a job yet. well, oops on me if the places that i want to work dont hire 15 year olds. is that my fault?
i'm not going to do some job that i dont like for money. i'm not that desperate. i'm patient enough to wait til i'm sixteen. i'm not working at dunkin donuts, no chance.
i want to work at a video store, preferably blockbuster, i've got more passion for films and video games than i will ever have for another human being.
better yet, i'll apply to a cd store, doing the bitch work. i'll lift heavy things, i'll vaccuum the rugs, i just want to be around music and movies... loser-ific, but wtf?
well... well... taking the detail that i'm not old enough for a job like that into consideration, i've decided to pull a zaca {lol} and start looking for babysitting gigs. i love children, i've got experience. i'm a certified CPR person, and i've taken classes on babysitting. kids love me, or so they claim.
so brittykins... if you've got any little children relatives that need a babysitter, put a good word in for me. XD
i'm going to start handing out papers at the church and library. they're people always there looking for a sitting-on-babies-person. i'm good at sitting on children ;)
just a moment ago, i finished watching quueer eye for the straight guy. {purposely mispelt, darlings} and i loved it once again. they are just positively hilarious. and then... and then... *heavy breath* i watched the UK Version. two of the best things in the world...british fruits :D i loved it so much, i was plastered onto the telli, my dad walked in and he called me a homophile and an anglophile. i found that pretty amusing as well.
well, tomorrow's pool day. cant wait to expose myself to a countless amount of absolute strangers. never been so chuffed in my entire waking days.
[today's entry]
fatigued
music: {something coporate - "in the pocket"}
today i went to the pool. whoo... no one was there, we were the only swimmers for a while. then a few people came, some annoying children with their aquatic play-things... dont get in the effing pool with an ice cream cone in your hand.
we swam around, moira didnt want to ride on my back. so i swam alone for a while underwater with my eyes open. note to self: never get in the pool with eye make up. my eyes started to buuuurn so much after a while.
i cried so much because they stung. they still do actually, but not as strongly. after i took a nap at home, the pain died down a tidbit.
but while we were at the pool, i taught her how to swim and stuff. held her torso while she floated and kicked, held her waiste while she paddles her arms and blew bubbles. one of the lifeguards confronted me and told me that i'd make a good swimming instructor. i could see myself doing that. mom said that all the other lifeguards on duty and shifts were watching me teach moira with severe interest. haha.
today's not much of an entry... i dont really feel like writing much. i'm just pondering about some stuff.
brittykins, feel better. dont drown yourself in agony if you dont see mike all that much. he's a great person, absotively posilutely perfect, but you dont need him or any other guy to have a good life and be happy. but i do hope your skies brighten soon.
Colleen
Posted at 04:59 pm by crows_vein
Friday, July 16, 2004
zeus ran out of lightening bolts
peachy keen
music: {something corporate - "inside the pocket"}
today was once again a day of laziness and vegetation.
i woke up, my parents werent home for what ever reason. some INS meeting for my mom and citizenship in the city... or w.e.t.f
i gave moira breakfast while she sat around watching cartoons. after that i made my bed, then cleared my floor of any kind of rubbish and did my yoga while listening to Morroccan Spirit. {some free cd dad brought back from work}
its actually kind of soothing. no lyrics, just hindu spiritual instrumental stuff. a good tune to yogalize to. {yogalize, lol my new verb}
katelyn invited me to the beach tomorrow with her and her mom, and possibly Ginny or Kayla. i didnt really want to go in the first place, i'm not a beach person. i wouldnt be all that fun any how. i'd be the beached whale lying on a towel with her nose in a book. w00t. plus, i have to babysit tomorrow anyways. the 'rents are going someplace and i've gotta supervise the youngin. w00t to that as well.
but sunday... sunday should be a great day. sunday... we're going to the town pool. anthony sanchez pool. {dont really fancy it all that much, but hey...what can ya do? zeus ran out of lightening bolts.} mom's gonna wear her bikiini...agh... i dont really want to see my mom in a bikiini, i've already caught her walking around the house in a thong. i mean, dude, my mom is gorgeous, but she's my mom. and it makes me feel a little weird... having my 41 year old mother wearing a bikiini, and me wearing a black swim suit with a skirt. maybe just a little jealous. eh... "jealousy" is not a good word to explain it, but... "uncomfortableness" can take it away.
anywho, sunday will be the first time ever in 2 long years that i get in a pool. so very excited about it. i absolutely adore swimming, its the only thing that makes me feel whole. sure, yogalizing {i'm going to abuse this new verb of mine as much as i can} fills the empty space, but theres still room for something else. and that "something else" my dear comrades, is swimming. the pool... the water... the clerity of it all. you get in a pool, and you only have one effing thing to accomplish. swim. its simple and it is positively beautiful. i just cant wait.
i dont really take a liking to the fact that there will be a lot of people there keeping me under some serious scrutiny... but hey, you cant pluck our everyone's eyes... its just not right...
oh also kate might be coming along, under my mother's idea. i was kind of looking forward to it just being me, moira, and mom. i love kate, dont get me wrong, she's oh so fabulous-o. but...i dont know, i just want this occassion to be by myself, no one else. stupid yes, but i havent been in a pool for almost 2 years. i dont want to spend time undermining myself marco polo and rainbow. i want to swim laps, i want to dive... i want to skim the floors of the pool with my hands. i want to be alone.
sure, it'll be abso-effing-lutely fun with kate there, i know we'll have an uber-cool time. i just want the fun to wait to expose itself next time. i'm taking a bunch of online quizzes, and pasting the picturesque results onto my blog. very bored.
vid pic of the day: Breaking Benjamin - "So Cold"
i watched it a few minutes ago, and i fell arse over elbows for both their music and their lead singer ;)
later days, my lovers.
Colleen
Posted at 06:58 pm by crows_vein
Thursday, July 15, 2004
cynical
music: {the kinks - "you really got me"} <~classic song of the ages. hear it. know it. love it.
eh, today is a lounging day. i've been on my ass for a while, can't really complain about it. i'm not exactly in the "social" mood. yesterday was a depressing re-run for me.
my older sister called and wanted just to chit-chat with me. w00t w00t. so she asked me what's new, i didnt know how to answer. a lot was new... a lot that i wasnt ready to tell her. a lot that i couldnt tell her with my parents in the house.
so... i explained to her that what i wanted to share with her was something i could not say in front of mom and dad. she immediately took the hint and asked, "did you kiss a boy?"
my older sister, whom is 21 years of age on the surface, is most certainly a derranged 16 year old on the inside. and always has been.
i said yes to her oh-so blunt question, and she almost had a seizure... then she asked so many effing questions, i couldnt keep track of the answers i gave her. it was terrible. she asked me a fuzz-load of things about tom... oh is he cute? is he smart? how old is he? what grade is he going into? is he nice? what's his name? then, she made fun of his name...
and then, she lectured me about pre-mature relations. she warned me, she told me don't get into anything serious... you're very young...
blah blah blah, old news. i know all these things. i'm not the type of person that'll bonk the first guy they fall for. i'm not her. she has made thousands of mistakes in her life, i'm not holding them against her, but she really has no right to tell me what and what not to do. i'm responsible enough to make my own decisions.
if she knew my opinions on the world... if she actually spent some effing time with me. if she didnt move out at the age of 17 and stay in california when we moved to new york... she would actually know me by now. she would know that i'm not a clone of her. she would know that i will not repeat history and get pregnant at 18. she would know that i will never ever have those kind of relations with a person. she would know that i am very much strongly against that type of thing. but oops for her, she neglected our family before she graduate high school and moved in with her unofficial beau.
i'm sorry if it seems like i'm insulting her, but i'm not. she brought up the mistakes she has made in her time, and it is her fault. she mentioned them, i'm just carrying it on.
i'm a prude little virgin, and i'm going to die a prude little virgin. a prude little unmarried virgin at that.
she told me... dont have *the s word* until you're married.
then she had a stroke when i told her i dont believe in marriage.
and then she really collapsed when i told her i plan on staying celibate my whole life.
it was entertaining... but still a thorn in my paw.
i love my sister, i really do. i idolize her for getting through all the rough times, and raising her two year old son so beautifully. but i look up at her from so many different angles... and yet i still see the irresponsible 16 year old cross country runner that i saw 5 years ago. i see the footloose high school reject, even though now she's got a son and a life of her own. she's still 16, and no matter what... i will always be older than her, not in a literal sense, but psychologically.
she's come a long way in life. and last night... she was only trying to tell me things that'll keep me away from her past dangers. she doesnt have to worry about anything. i told her that a countless amount of times during our phone conversation, but her skull is just as thick as my mother's. solid stone.
anywho, on to today. today i got my bathing suit in the mail. mom ordered it from some catalogue. yea, apparently it was expensive. i told her i dont need a bathing suit this summer, bathing suits are a waste of time for someone like me. she just doesnt understand that i would prefer to live my life without exposing myself in any way. but she still bought me a swim suit nonetheless. she was actually going to buy me a . hah, is she trying to kill me?
the suit she got me is black, has a little skirt attached to it, a cute little belt, a zipper in the bosom area. it doesnt resemble one of an old lady. its actually quite pretty. i tried it on, sad to say that i like it. it fits well... but i'm still not a bathing suit type of person. i'm more of a jump-in-fully-clothed kind of gal ;)
lets just see how it goes, shall we? we shall.
oh i've become interested in new tv show. well it's not new to society, its new to me.Two Guys and a Gīrl. very classic and clean humor, with the occassional soiling of the mind. its funny.
how did i come unto this new television program? lol... it's quite an amusing story. i was looking through the iO channel guide, and i saw the words "Two Guys"... teehee. thinking it was something else, i pressed "select" in a doozy {i was sadly mistaken} and BOOM! three college mates living life in boston. or what i think is boston. oh well.
its on in an hour, so i'm going to go set myself down in front of a good book, and wait for the short 60 minutes to pass. aloha!
Colleen
Posted at 12:18 pm by crows_vein
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
apathetic
music: {rufio - "one slow dance"}
i'm very bored... actually..."bored" is an understatement. there is no word in any dictionary that can explain how "bored" i am. and i feel that i'm going to be bored all day today.
mom went to her morning english classes, and i am once again home alone with moira. i got her dressed for her swimming lessons, and she got very angry with me because when i brushed her hair, it hurt. well...it's not my fault, shes got very curly hair and it doesnt take as much for it to tangle as it does to detangle. and i'm rough, oops for me. its not easy for me to brush someone elses hair. i spaz out when i brush my own hair, come effing on.
i guess we're all just a little hostile because we know mom's not going to be home as much anymore. we've been relying on her for everything. and i'm ashamed of it. i would like to finally cut the damned umbilical cord and live my own life, not depend on her for all that has to be done.
my little sister is not yet ready to go through the separation anxiety that will come along from the newly found independence. so if she needs to tear anybody to shreds...i'm her rag doll.
the rest of the day is not going to carry out smoothly. mom was very angry with my dad last night because he invited little richie over for some coffee and television. we dont call him little richie all that much, considering he's nearing his 28th year of existence.
anywho, mom has just come back from her very first day of english college courses, and she was ready to spill out her happy emotions with dad, when she walked in to find richie sitting in her chair. she didn't fancy that much. i cant blame her. would you like to see a very distance relative in your home when you're on the verge of crying tears of joy?
yes, she was extremely happy. and she had to suck in all her pride and all her self-approval to greet richie. i saw the agony in her eyes... i felt horrible.
after he left, my mom finally imploded. then everythin just...burst on the inside. and then eventually it all came splurging out. there was no happiness to be found. it was all rage and angst... and some more rage. i've never seen her this heated about something in her life.
yesterday was the first time she's ever been in a class room in almost 30 years. she never went to high school... barely finished junior high. and now she's back in the student's desk, ready to learn what she has. she was so effing happy for once. yes, for once she was planning her own success, not someone else's. not mine, not vanessas, not my dads. hers, her very own success was being set on a platter before her. and who pist on that platter? both my dad and cousin richie. of course, rich was very oblivious to the whole importance of it... but of course, he's majoring in philosophy, he's got nothing close to the potential my mother has.
i love my dad, and most of the time i've stuck on his side when my parents fight. but this time i'm right beside mom. well...last night...technically i was in my bed covering my ears with my pillow, but i was still rooting for mom. *w00t*
anywho, i'll just stop ranting... and go drink some lemonade. later days, my lavish lovers. be well.
Colleen
Posted at 07:53 am by crows_vein
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
tired
music: {the clash - "should i stay or should i go?"}
today was nothing special. mom went to her english classes again... and was out all day. i was left with the little angel formerly known as moira.
to get her off my back for an acceptable amount of time, i sat her down and made her watch Harriot The Spy. she didn't fancy it as much as i had expected.
i was rather fond of it in the old days, i was obsessed with that flick. i used to run with a broken compass, old binoculars, and a notebook around the neighborhood and wrote absolute nonsense. whatever it was that i could, i wrote it down.
my neighbors despised me... but they were only jealous 'cause i was a very talented and geniuine spy, unlike their own misinformed insignificant children...muaha! lol.
hmm.. what else? i watched I Love The 90s: 1990 and 1991. pretty funny stuff, lemme tell ya. i love vh1, pure genius.
i'm tired... i'm hot... i'm bored... and i'm deprived of my effing Outback Jack. the only available tv in the house is moiras, and shes ready to go to sleep. so ha...i cant watch the show down between the fems and the butches. pity... the competition would have been beyond entertaining. it started out pretty well.
i'm so bored. i dont feel like reading a book right now, and i dont feel like writing in my blog. i dont feel like doing anything but watch tv...
i'm going to go surf around the net. later.
Colleen
Posted at 06:38 pm by crows_vein
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