I AM COLLEEN.
I'm Colleen.
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Thursday, July 29, 2004
sore
current:::
music: {cradle of filth - "babalon AD"}
drink: cold peach flavored green tea
food: my lunch...a hotdog and a pickle. two equally phallic objects.
clothing: boxer shorts and an old gray t-shirt
view: my computer screen
feeling: concerned
anywho, lately i've been thinking about a lot of things. pondering what would happen when the school year starts up again. i'm not worried about the responsibilities, and the work, the challenges, and the assignments. i've always been successful in those areas. {not to sound conceited} grades aren't an issue with me much. i just have to stay in focus... and keep my priorities straight.
but i feel that next year i am going to have a trifle difficulty focusing. why, you ask? well... i don't know. i would be surrounded by my friends that i haven't seen in a long time. in the beginning of the year my grades are going to plummet to their doom because the only thing i'd be worried about is catching up with my buddies. or... maybe trying to figure out things with tom.
oh god... the tom factor. that's going to be a pain in the ass. i wonder how i'm going to deal with that.
yea, i've been dreaming a lot of things involving tom. but i dont ever remember much of my dreams. i can barely recall the one i had last night. all i know is that tom was there. that's it. is that bad?
god, next year is going be very eventful. i honestly don't know what i'm going to do with the tom issue... it's been easy for me to forget about him during the summer, but of course, i don't see him.
but chances are that when school begins, i will have to cope with seeing him around in the hallways. or maybe even at lunch. who the fūck knows? maybe he'd be in my gym class. oh god forbid.
i hope i'm not giving you all the wrong sign. i bet you're all thinking that i dislike him or something. which i don't. that's the problem, i like him a whole lot... and i'm just fretting over next year. what'll happen. what we'll become. i don't want there to be some sort of tension between him and i. because... i don't know why the fūck he ever liked me in the first place. i'm really not a likeable person. i'm easier to loathe than to admire... i'm really not good enough for him.
sure, we shared a kiss...a few at that, and i have no fūcking idea why that happened. indeed, it was beautiful, it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me... but come on. let's be realistic here. like he kissed me because he likes me. hah. why would he? i'm horrendous.
god... sometimes.... i just think i'm not good enough for a lot of things.
going to go read.
before you leave this site, scroll down and read the short story i wrote below this.. i would really appreciate some feedback. thank you.
Colleen
Posted at 02:19 pm by crows_vein
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
fake smile -- short story
creative
music: {placebo - "my sweet prince"}
just a little something...spur of the moment type of thing. enjoy.
The Story of Syde's Fake Smile
Glaring at the razor blade lying sweetly in her trembling palm, she made a mental note of its beauty. How she envied it, how she longed to glow with such radiance as it did. The sight of it alone droned away the many perplexities in her life. It felt as if the barrier around her was being demolished brick by brick and she was sorting through the charred remains. But somehow...she only saw one path for her to tread. The path of long-awaited self-inflicted pain.
The darkness surrounding her had swelled like a battle wound. The blōod had ceased its flow out of the chasm... and the skin had turned into an intimidating bruised blemish. That is what her anguish was... a blemish.
Her eyes burnt from the newly formed film of tears, and yet she did not let them fall. She enjoyed the twinge, the sting that gave her so much joy...
Sydne wasn't a dark person... She never shared her morbidity with the world. Her self detestation and deāth wish had only stayed within the contents of her room. But this day, this day so full of personal agony, was poked at by an unwanted guest.
"I hope you're not thinking about doing the unjust..." commented an atrociously familiar voice from behind her.
"Rede, get the fūck out of here. This is none of your business." she abhorrently retorted.
"None of my business?" he protested, having his voice raise to challenge hers. She turned around to face him and found it arduous to stare into his eyes, "Where the fūck do you go off telling me it's none of my business?" he slammed the shoddy door shut and heard the hinges squeek in disapproval.
She stood up from her seat on the edge of her bed, it shook slightly, only being held up by stacks of novels and dictionaries and the occasional cinder block. "Just... what do you want?"
"What I want is for you to answer my question. I don't like having my statements pushed aside like sidewalk trash. Why the hell do you think this isn't any of my business?"
"It's nothing, Rede, just go home. Go home to Cassandra." she waved him off as if her was a door-to-door salesman selling age-defying face cream for a higher price than necessary.
"Cassandra?!" he exclaimed, flailing his arms up in the air resembling a traffic spectator, "Is this what it's all about? Cassandra?"
At the sudden hightening of his tone, Sydne winced and her eye twitched in discomfort, "No. No... just leave it alone. You don't have to go home, you just have to get out of here." She had now put on a false... fake smile in order to comfort him and persuade him to flee.
"Not until you answer my previous question," he pushed, "Why the fūck did you deny me the right to know what you were doing?"
The glass jar bottling up her feelings inside had finally been smashed against the wall...
"BECAUSE I DON'T FŁCKING MATTER TO YOU ANYMORE!"
The words, at last, have slipped out concealed in barbed wire blankets. They had just ran at him like a bull's horns to the the red sheet before them.
Sydne had been driven to tears now, the satisfying sting in her eyes had been released. She curled up against the bed side in a fetal position, bawling like an infantile fool.
Rede's voice had taken on Sydne's position, only in his throat. He found himself speechless. Sydne was always the repressed introvert who never had a short-fused temper, and never exploded her feelings onto the floor before an audience. Her random outburst had startled Rede into a silent shock.
But her incessant - yet soft - sobbing had brought him back to realism.
"What gave you that idea?" he asked, taking a seat beside her.
In between sobs, Sydne replied, "You've just been... really different around... me and i can't... stand it... Cassandra has... replaced me... and I feel... that I've been pushed... away."
"You think Cassandra has replaced you? She's not my friend, Syd, she's my housemate! I needed someone to share the rent and utilities fee. I don't even like her." he gently brushed a piece of her long straight maroon colored hair out of her face so he could see her emerald green eyes. They were surrounded by her black draining make-up, and black streams were riding down her pallid cheeks.
"She sure... fancies you... a lot." she managed to croak out between her manic gasps and exhales.
Rede smiled a little bit at her tender jealousy and slight envy, as he pushed the batch of hair behind her right ear, "It's not a mutual feeling. She's an acquaintance. A social nail in the palm. I could never feel for her what I feel for you."
He said it. He had only meant to tell her the first portion... he had just confessed, in vague terms, his true feelings and passions for Sydne.
She had noticed this and looked up at him with the two black trails hurdling down her face, "What?"
There was no point in covering up what had already been said. But he did not yet solidify it.
Instead he grabbed her by her arm and pulled her up into a standing position. Still clasping her by her wrist, he wrenched open her hand, which was fully clenched holding the razor blade. The sharp edge had left a cut on the padding of her palm, and it was bleeding, the crimson fluid falling over the edges of her hand.
This did not spook Rede, this intrigued him. The fact that she felt no pain from this deep slit had amazed him, and if she had ignored it, he decided to as well, temporarily. Some things were more important.
The grip on her hand had loosened, and he dipped his index finger in the minscule puddle of red, and set it on her full and lush bottom lip, leaving a dark red drop.
He opened his mouth to speak, and what came out was for once something he had no doubt towards.
"I love you."
At this said, Sydne's tears stopped flowing and she held his gaze looking for any signs of dishonesty. Finding none, she pressed her cold lips against his of warmth.
He hands had found their way to her waist, and he set her gently on the bed and himself on top. She put her injured hand on his back shoulder, and it left a stain on his clean white shirt.
The two had fit perfectly together, and now Sydne had no reason to conceal herself in a guise any longer. No more fake smile...
~~~~
hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as i did writing it.
Colleen
Posted at 10:36 pm by crows_vein
uncomfortable
music: {the vines - "get free"}
le sigh... there are so many CDs out there that i crave, and i've got no money what so ever. mainly because i'm unemployed. and i am unemployed because everyone wants the sweet 6teen year olds. blockbuster and hollywood vid wont take me. even the little castle video on the main street wont accept me. i'm afraid to try anywhere else, i don't deal with rejection well.
CD Wishlist
The Vines --> "Highly Evolved" and "Winning Days"
The Hives --> "Vini Vidi Vicious" and "Tyrannosaurus Hives"
Something Corporate --> "Ready...Break"
The Killers --> "Hot Fuss"
My Chemical Romance --> "Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge"
Garbage --> "Garbage"
A Static Lullaby --> "...And Don't Forget To Breath"
Breaking Benjamin --> "We Are Not Alone"
Billy Talent --> "Billy Talent"
and this week is going to be pīssy, let me tell ya. it's red dot week. i'm not going to elaborate on that, i'm sure a portion of you know what i mean. anywho, i'm going to go take a shower. feeling filthy. later days.
Colleen
Posted at 01:10 pm by crows_vein
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
thirteen things based on me
sleepy
music: {system of a down - "sugar"}
i took this from a fellow blogger. clickity. thanks :D
13 Random Things You Like: silence. yoga. the british. chocolate. gāy men. boxer shorts. movies. music. meditation. libraries. bookstores. pineapples. shoes.
12 Movies: dogma. dazed and confused. ferris bueller's day off. monty python and the holy grail. pretty in pink. some kind of wonderful. kill me later. the fifth element. blade(1&2). the counte of monte cristo. heartbreakers. stealing harvard.
11 Good Bands/Musicians: the vines. the hives. incubus. placebo. smashing pumpkins. alkaline trio. something corporate. dashboard confessional. the killers. the foo fighters. a static lullaby.
10 Things About You, Physically: brownish orange hair. brown eyes. the vintage "emo" glasses. fluffy. 6 in scar on leg. braces. chapped lips. blinking disorder. white. rough skin.
9 Things About You, Mentally/Emotionally: pacifist. introvert. anti-social. friendly. shy. natural high. phobic. gullible. weak.
8 Favorite Drinks: cold green tea w/ peach. lemonade. pepsi. coke. dr pepper. sprite. chocolate milk. gatorade.
7 Things You Wear Daily: bra. underroos. pants. a shirt. tom's bracelet. my glasses. my watch.
6 Things That Annoy You: pen clicking. hypocracy. homōphobes. unnecessary nūdity. unnecessary swearing. nicole kidman.
5 Favorite Foods: korean. california rolls. pizza. chocolate. pie.
4 Shows You Watch: will & grace. friends. q-eye for the straight guy. comedy central presents.
3 Celebrities You Have A Crush On: craig nicholls. brian molko. jason lee.
2 Things You Come In Contact With Everyday: my computer. my bed.
1 Thing That Makes You Cry: any harm that comes to a child.
anywho, i've made a decision last night before i went to sleep...i'm going to drop by the church sometime this week and ask if there's some sort of consecutive volunteer work i can do for them. i detest working with the church. my first choice was the local library... but for the sake of others, i'll avoid working there. i would be so overwhelmed being surrounded by so many books. i'd be running around screaming in joy. at least in church i can actually avoid being too happy for the public. that's right, i'm not much of a church person. i hāte church and anything to do with it. sorry if this offends a lot of you. bu ' my belief, and i'm not saying anything about the church goers persay. and for the sake of my well-being, i'll refrain from doing so.
i just loathe religion all together. why put so much faith into some "omnipotent"...unknown god that you've just theorized is out there watching over you? why not just put your strong faith into something that counts! like yourself, or your loved ones. faith is more effective when focused on someone more accessable and who actually exists rather then putting everything you believe in into some entity that your subconscious may sometimes doubt. uh, but i don't know, i'm a little off this morning. just a trifle groggy.
anywho, yea i'm thinking about volunteering in the church office or something...maybe a little paper work. hell, i'd be willing to even wash the damned pews. anything that'll get me out of the house and prevent me from taking the LG classes. i'm willing to do the bitch work, man, how valuable can i be? ;)
probably going to the library today to re-check out my summer reading. and then probably going to edit this entry again. later days.
Colleen
Posted at 01:12 pm by crows_vein
Monday, July 26, 2004
music: {a static lullaby - "the star that destroyed us all"}
Let me walk on high wire of rusty nails
While barefoot shedding the flesh of our existance
i don't think we're moving this summer. it sure doesn't look like we will. it's already the end of july, and my father has not gotten any word from the interviewer people. thinks are starting to look up actually, because i'd rather live here in new york, in a sh-t house that looks like a trailer w/o wheels, in a place where i have friends and people i'm chummy with than live in some massive house with a big yard and not have any friends.
i really don't want to move, and i'm absolutely ecstatic just considering that there's a possibility we won't. if we don't move, and if i stay here for the 10th grade, i know it'll be a great year. i don't know why, i just feel it will be. i really can't wait for it to start...
anywho, if i'm going to stay here for my sophomore year, i better get started on my summer reading.
Colleen
entry question of the day, answer it in my comments page. or tag board. whatever pleases you.
what simple thing in this complex world makes you smile?
Posted at 02:56 pm by crows_vein
Saturday, July 24, 2004
too depressive for this family + edit
contemplative
music: {garbage - "only happy when it rains"}
it has not fully carried out, and i'm already having a terrible day.
as soon as i woke up this morning, i went into the living room and sit with my mom. and she was filling out papers for moira's next swimming class lesson. my mom said "you should take lifeguard training."
we have discussed this once before, and i said i might want to try it. i had only said this because i didnt want her to make me apply for some other summer gig.
so we went through this whole ordeal to see if i am qualified to be a lifeguard trainee.
then we went to the office where we have to sign up. she was going to sign me up for the lifeguard thing... i opposed. and my excuse was that i might not have enough swimming experience.
now...my mother is a freaky woman. she has this image of me in her head that describes me as the best god damned swimmer ever. she thinks i'm overly experienced, and that i've some serious skill. it's nauseating, because... no i dont have a lot of experience. i cant tell between the brźast stroke and the butterfly stroke.
so we went home... went through my old YWCA certificates to see if i'm qualified. and when we couldnt find the documents, i told my mom that i dont want to train to be an LG.
she exploded.
"you just dont want to do it because you want to stay on your ass this whole summer. i told you about this lifeguard thing... and you become this manically depressed wreck. you're too depressive for this whole family."
yes...apparently... i make everyone miserable in this family. especially my mother. whenever i'm in a bad mood, so is she. well...oops for me.
well that really made me angry.
so yes, she yells at me for not wanting to train for the LG certification.
its not because i want to stay on my ass the whole time. its because i dont feel comfortable in a bathing suit, and i dont like having people watch me when my body is so exposed...and i dont like physical straining. i love to swim, yes...but i cant swim 20 laps in 10 minutes. excuse me. and plus..i dont work well under pressure. i lose control and have a fit.
also, also... i'm not much of a life saver. i wouldnt like the idea. such a responsibility.
and hey... i'm an introvert kind of person. i'll do good work in an office with files and documents... not hands-on kind of stuff. not bitch-work.
but its mainly because of the bathing suit thing...
i'll probably get a job instead of taking LG classes.
and what else... i wrote a little thing last night. lemme find it...
ah voila.
the invisible have already spoken
i was wrong, i will confide
the invincible cannot be broken
dont know wtf that is. just craved creativity last night. it doesnt make sense though. who cares if the invisible have spoken? it would only matter if they were seen...
anywho, later days.
+ edit
exhausted
music: {billy talent - "try honesty"}
...i cannot get enough of this song. the lyrics really penetrate through me. they fluster me, and oddly enough... i like it.
i finished cleaning my room a while ago. i can actually see my floor now. *victorious pelvic thrust* oh yes. i found some old stuff today that made me think about my past. most of the time i dont remember anything from the good ol' days. it really is disturbing, someone as young as i am losing their memory.
anywho, i organised a bunch of my rubbish into shoe boxes... i found my dad's guitar pick. doesnt have "foreigner" etched onto it, but it resembles the one in the hyperlink.
i really want to take guitar lessons. but i'm not determined enough, and i'm not coordinated enough either.
plus, the 'rents would not approve of me morphing into some musical junkie.
i wont...i just want to learn. i was thinking that if we dont move to the texan territory, i'd ask alex when school starts for lessons. it'd be much easier to learn from someone i'm {remotely} pals with. he's a cool cat. ;) love his hair... lol i'm sorry i cant talk about alex without mentioning the hair... teehee, i want to steal it.
i really want to make a necklace out of this pick..i just dont have anything sharp enough to make a hole...safety pins blow.
maybe i'll use some power tools...
agh, well i'm gonna go check out the fellow bloggers. asta!
Colleen
Posted at 03:25 pm by crows_vein
Friday, July 23, 2004
pīssed off
music: {chevelle - "family system"}
i just fūcking asked my mom is britt can come over tomorrow and she said no. she fūcking said now. yea and as you can see i'm not very fūcking happy about it.
i havent seen britt in over a month, and mom just doesnt fūcking understand that she is my best friend. my very best friend. she just tries so fūcking hard for me to be best friends with the people she approves of. like kate. i dont know, moms obsessed with kate. i love kate, but she's not my best friend. she doesnt tell me her inner most feelings, and i dont confide to her either... we're just really good pals.
mom said no because she doesnt like her...
oh fūcking well! i like her, i love her, my mom just doesnt want me to have a life... GRR...
you see...i would call up brittany if i wanted to talk to her so much. but usually when i do, i'm the one that talks a lot, and we only talk about the unimportant things. i ramble on about chihuahas and squirrels...and stupid random things like that. i detest talking on the phone, i would much rather use AIM or talk face to face. i dont like hearing people and not seeing them. i would rather hear them and see them, or not hear and see them at all. i'm a weird person. i dont like phones. they're evil...
but...GRR
i'm going to go break something....
Colleen
Posted at 06:39 pm by crows_vein
indifferent
music: {sum 41 - "in too deep"}
today was a boring day. nothing special. going to call britt whenever mom comes back from wherever she went. hopefully mom'll let her come over. heres a little strip from www.penny-arcade.com. i love that site, some funny stuff, lemme tell ya. okay, later darlings.
Colleen
Posted at 05:15 pm by crows_vein
Thursday, July 22, 2004
groggy
music: {john mayer- "no such thing"} <~ shut your face.. not my usual choice of music, but i am in a john mayer-y mood.
it's barely 5 pm, and i feel like collapsing onto my bed. it's so alluring... with its piles of unclean clothes, poorly washed linen, and mountains of pillows and blankets forming childish forts... {i've never found it so positively bewitching}...children's books... and oh, lets not forget my giant disoriented teddy bear. i call him "heathen." just 'cause it's a hip word like that.
well... i want to invite brittykins over tomorrow just to hang. but chances are my mom wont fancy that. i don't know... she's... she's just a... je ne sais quoi. i can't put my finger on it. well... i can, i just don't want to use such terms...
we're going to the town hall free screening of "jurassic park" around 6-ish tomorrow, and we might be taking kate and her mom with us.
i asked my mom if i could invite britty, but i dont think she would enjoy it. god knows i wouldnt. i dont really want to watch a movie i've seen over 60 times. i wouldnt be able to talk with britt, and we need a good talkin' because i havent seen her face-to-face quite a while.
also... mom doesnt like brittany. for a stupid reason really.
plus, i dont want to be surrounded by my mom and little sister when i'm trying to spend quality time with my Iesbian lover. {inside joke, do not question it.}
blah, i don't know britt. tomorrow we wont have much time to hang out. because we've got moira's swimming lessons and junk like that. and i know my mother, she'd say "you cant have your friend over AND go to watch jurassic park too." so i cant have my cake and eat it too. stupid euphamism...
gah! britt...i don't know. maybe saturday. maybe saturday. yes, saturday it is.
i'm going to go make some lemonade.
Colleen
Posted at 06:10 pm by crows_vein
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
"coach says its okay to bleed from the ears"
thirsty
music: {incubus - "sick sad little world"}
leave me here in my... stark, raving, sick, sad little world.
i need to get a life.
i've been bored for the past week. all i've been doing is sitting on my ass, watching tv, and surfing the net doing surveys... ugh...
i need to go out, i need to be free. i like being in the house, staying away from sunlight exposure, but come fureakin' on, i'm driving over a cliff here...
you know what... britt... call me, and we can flee this hell hole and hitch a ride to vegas. let's rebel ;) we can... we can... we can start an enterprise.. we can gather mal-nourished people from parishing towns in foreign countries and put them in sweat shops, and work their fingers to the bone...
or we could just sell lemonade outside the local floozy bars x_x
i want to travel, i want to leave the house, i want to socialize. i want to see PEOPLE for once. scary, scary i know. i've never been so desperate to interact with the highly inferior human race before... but... *sigh* desperate times call for desperate measures.
VEGAS IT IS!
Colleen
Posted at 05:20 pm by crows_vein
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