I AM COLLEEN.
I'm Colleen.
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Wednesday, July 28, 2004
uncomfortable
music: {the vines - "get free"}
le sigh... there are so many CDs out there that i crave, and i've got no money what so ever. mainly because i'm unemployed. and i am unemployed because everyone wants the sweet 6teen year olds. blockbuster and hollywood vid wont take me. even the little castle video on the main street wont accept me. i'm afraid to try anywhere else, i don't deal with rejection well.
CD Wishlist
The Vines --> "Highly Evolved" and "Winning Days"
The Hives --> "Vini Vidi Vicious" and "Tyrannosaurus Hives"
Something Corporate --> "Ready...Break"
The Killers --> "Hot Fuss"
My Chemical Romance --> "Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge"
Garbage --> "Garbage"
A Static Lullaby --> "...And Don't Forget To Breath"
Breaking Benjamin --> "We Are Not Alone"
Billy Talent --> "Billy Talent"
and this week is going to be pīssy, let me tell ya. it's red dot week. i'm not going to elaborate on that, i'm sure a portion of you know what i mean. anywho, i'm going to go take a shower. feeling filthy. later days.
Colleen
Posted at 01:10 pm by crows_vein
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
thirteen things based on me
sleepy
music: {system of a down - "sugar"}
i took this from a fellow blogger. clickity. thanks :D
13 Random Things You Like: silence. yoga. the british. chocolate. gāy men. boxer shorts. movies. music. meditation. libraries. bookstores. pineapples. shoes.
12 Movies: dogma. dazed and confused. ferris bueller's day off. monty python and the holy grail. pretty in pink. some kind of wonderful. kill me later. the fifth element. blade(1&2). the counte of monte cristo. heartbreakers. stealing harvard.
11 Good Bands/Musicians: the vines. the hives. incubus. placebo. smashing pumpkins. alkaline trio. something corporate. dashboard confessional. the killers. the foo fighters. a static lullaby.
10 Things About You, Physically: brownish orange hair. brown eyes. the vintage "emo" glasses. fluffy. 6 in scar on leg. braces. chapped lips. blinking disorder. white. rough skin.
9 Things About You, Mentally/Emotionally: pacifist. introvert. anti-social. friendly. shy. natural high. phobic. gullible. weak.
8 Favorite Drinks: cold green tea w/ peach. lemonade. pepsi. coke. dr pepper. sprite. chocolate milk. gatorade.
7 Things You Wear Daily: bra. underroos. pants. a shirt. tom's bracelet. my glasses. my watch.
6 Things That Annoy You: pen clicking. hypocracy. homōphobes. unnecessary nūdity. unnecessary swearing. nicole kidman.
5 Favorite Foods: korean. california rolls. pizza. chocolate. pie.
4 Shows You Watch: will & grace. friends. q-eye for the straight guy. comedy central presents.
3 Celebrities You Have A Crush On: craig nicholls. brian molko. jason lee.
2 Things You Come In Contact With Everyday: my computer. my bed.
1 Thing That Makes You Cry: any harm that comes to a child.
anywho, i've made a decision last night before i went to sleep...i'm going to drop by the church sometime this week and ask if there's some sort of consecutive volunteer work i can do for them. i detest working with the church. my first choice was the local library... but for the sake of others, i'll avoid working there. i would be so overwhelmed being surrounded by so many books. i'd be running around screaming in joy. at least in church i can actually avoid being too happy for the public. that's right, i'm not much of a church person. i hāte church and anything to do with it. sorry if this offends a lot of you. bu ' my belief, and i'm not saying anything about the church goers persay. and for the sake of my well-being, i'll refrain from doing so.
i just loathe religion all together. why put so much faith into some "omnipotent"...unknown god that you've just theorized is out there watching over you? why not just put your strong faith into something that counts! like yourself, or your loved ones. faith is more effective when focused on someone more accessable and who actually exists rather then putting everything you believe in into some entity that your subconscious may sometimes doubt. uh, but i don't know, i'm a little off this morning. just a trifle groggy.
anywho, yea i'm thinking about volunteering in the church office or something...maybe a little paper work. hell, i'd be willing to even wash the damned pews. anything that'll get me out of the house and prevent me from taking the LG classes. i'm willing to do the bitch work, man, how valuable can i be? ;)
probably going to the library today to re-check out my summer reading. and then probably going to edit this entry again. later days.
Colleen
Posted at 01:12 pm by crows_vein
Monday, July 26, 2004
music: {a static lullaby - "the star that destroyed us all"}
Let me walk on high wire of rusty nails
While barefoot shedding the flesh of our existance
i don't think we're moving this summer. it sure doesn't look like we will. it's already the end of july, and my father has not gotten any word from the interviewer people. thinks are starting to look up actually, because i'd rather live here in new york, in a sh-t house that looks like a trailer w/o wheels, in a place where i have friends and people i'm chummy with than live in some massive house with a big yard and not have any friends.
i really don't want to move, and i'm absolutely ecstatic just considering that there's a possibility we won't. if we don't move, and if i stay here for the 10th grade, i know it'll be a great year. i don't know why, i just feel it will be. i really can't wait for it to start...
anywho, if i'm going to stay here for my sophomore year, i better get started on my summer reading.
Colleen
entry question of the day, answer it in my comments page. or tag board. whatever pleases you.
what simple thing in this complex world makes you smile?
Posted at 02:56 pm by crows_vein
Saturday, July 24, 2004
too depressive for this family + edit
contemplative
music: {garbage - "only happy when it rains"}
it has not fully carried out, and i'm already having a terrible day.
as soon as i woke up this morning, i went into the living room and sit with my mom. and she was filling out papers for moira's next swimming class lesson. my mom said "you should take lifeguard training."
we have discussed this once before, and i said i might want to try it. i had only said this because i didnt want her to make me apply for some other summer gig.
so we went through this whole ordeal to see if i am qualified to be a lifeguard trainee.
then we went to the office where we have to sign up. she was going to sign me up for the lifeguard thing... i opposed. and my excuse was that i might not have enough swimming experience.
now...my mother is a freaky woman. she has this image of me in her head that describes me as the best god damned swimmer ever. she thinks i'm overly experienced, and that i've some serious skill. it's nauseating, because... no i dont have a lot of experience. i cant tell between the brźast stroke and the butterfly stroke.
so we went home... went through my old YWCA certificates to see if i'm qualified. and when we couldnt find the documents, i told my mom that i dont want to train to be an LG.
she exploded.
"you just dont want to do it because you want to stay on your ass this whole summer. i told you about this lifeguard thing... and you become this manically depressed wreck. you're too depressive for this whole family."
yes...apparently... i make everyone miserable in this family. especially my mother. whenever i'm in a bad mood, so is she. well...oops for me.
well that really made me angry.
so yes, she yells at me for not wanting to train for the LG certification.
its not because i want to stay on my ass the whole time. its because i dont feel comfortable in a bathing suit, and i dont like having people watch me when my body is so exposed...and i dont like physical straining. i love to swim, yes...but i cant swim 20 laps in 10 minutes. excuse me. and plus..i dont work well under pressure. i lose control and have a fit.
also, also... i'm not much of a life saver. i wouldnt like the idea. such a responsibility.
and hey... i'm an introvert kind of person. i'll do good work in an office with files and documents... not hands-on kind of stuff. not bitch-work.
but its mainly because of the bathing suit thing...
i'll probably get a job instead of taking LG classes.
and what else... i wrote a little thing last night. lemme find it...
ah voila.
the invisible have already spoken
i was wrong, i will confide
the invincible cannot be broken
dont know wtf that is. just craved creativity last night. it doesnt make sense though. who cares if the invisible have spoken? it would only matter if they were seen...
anywho, later days.
+ edit
exhausted
music: {billy talent - "try honesty"}
...i cannot get enough of this song. the lyrics really penetrate through me. they fluster me, and oddly enough... i like it.
i finished cleaning my room a while ago. i can actually see my floor now. *victorious pelvic thrust* oh yes. i found some old stuff today that made me think about my past. most of the time i dont remember anything from the good ol' days. it really is disturbing, someone as young as i am losing their memory.
anywho, i organised a bunch of my rubbish into shoe boxes... i found my dad's guitar pick. doesnt have "foreigner" etched onto it, but it resembles the one in the hyperlink.
i really want to take guitar lessons. but i'm not determined enough, and i'm not coordinated enough either.
plus, the 'rents would not approve of me morphing into some musical junkie.
i wont...i just want to learn. i was thinking that if we dont move to the texan territory, i'd ask alex when school starts for lessons. it'd be much easier to learn from someone i'm {remotely} pals with. he's a cool cat. ;) love his hair... lol i'm sorry i cant talk about alex without mentioning the hair... teehee, i want to steal it.
i really want to make a necklace out of this pick..i just dont have anything sharp enough to make a hole...safety pins blow.
maybe i'll use some power tools...
agh, well i'm gonna go check out the fellow bloggers. asta!
Colleen
Posted at 03:25 pm by crows_vein
Friday, July 23, 2004
pīssed off
music: {chevelle - "family system"}
i just fūcking asked my mom is britt can come over tomorrow and she said no. she fūcking said now. yea and as you can see i'm not very fūcking happy about it.
i havent seen britt in over a month, and mom just doesnt fūcking understand that she is my best friend. my very best friend. she just tries so fūcking hard for me to be best friends with the people she approves of. like kate. i dont know, moms obsessed with kate. i love kate, but she's not my best friend. she doesnt tell me her inner most feelings, and i dont confide to her either... we're just really good pals.
mom said no because she doesnt like her...
oh fūcking well! i like her, i love her, my mom just doesnt want me to have a life... GRR...
you see...i would call up brittany if i wanted to talk to her so much. but usually when i do, i'm the one that talks a lot, and we only talk about the unimportant things. i ramble on about chihuahas and squirrels...and stupid random things like that. i detest talking on the phone, i would much rather use AIM or talk face to face. i dont like hearing people and not seeing them. i would rather hear them and see them, or not hear and see them at all. i'm a weird person. i dont like phones. they're evil...
but...GRR
i'm going to go break something....
Colleen
Posted at 06:39 pm by crows_vein
indifferent
music: {sum 41 - "in too deep"}
today was a boring day. nothing special. going to call britt whenever mom comes back from wherever she went. hopefully mom'll let her come over. heres a little strip from www.penny-arcade.com. i love that site, some funny stuff, lemme tell ya. okay, later darlings.
Colleen
Posted at 05:15 pm by crows_vein
Thursday, July 22, 2004
groggy
music: {john mayer- "no such thing"} <~ shut your face.. not my usual choice of music, but i am in a john mayer-y mood.
it's barely 5 pm, and i feel like collapsing onto my bed. it's so alluring... with its piles of unclean clothes, poorly washed linen, and mountains of pillows and blankets forming childish forts... {i've never found it so positively bewitching}...children's books... and oh, lets not forget my giant disoriented teddy bear. i call him "heathen." just 'cause it's a hip word like that.
well... i want to invite brittykins over tomorrow just to hang. but chances are my mom wont fancy that. i don't know... she's... she's just a... je ne sais quoi. i can't put my finger on it. well... i can, i just don't want to use such terms...
we're going to the town hall free screening of "jurassic park" around 6-ish tomorrow, and we might be taking kate and her mom with us.
i asked my mom if i could invite britty, but i dont think she would enjoy it. god knows i wouldnt. i dont really want to watch a movie i've seen over 60 times. i wouldnt be able to talk with britt, and we need a good talkin' because i havent seen her face-to-face quite a while.
also... mom doesnt like brittany. for a stupid reason really.
plus, i dont want to be surrounded by my mom and little sister when i'm trying to spend quality time with my Iesbian lover. {inside joke, do not question it.}
blah, i don't know britt. tomorrow we wont have much time to hang out. because we've got moira's swimming lessons and junk like that. and i know my mother, she'd say "you cant have your friend over AND go to watch jurassic park too." so i cant have my cake and eat it too. stupid euphamism...
gah! britt...i don't know. maybe saturday. maybe saturday. yes, saturday it is.
i'm going to go make some lemonade.
Colleen
Posted at 06:10 pm by crows_vein
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
"coach says its okay to bleed from the ears"
thirsty
music: {incubus - "sick sad little world"}
leave me here in my... stark, raving, sick, sad little world.
i need to get a life.
i've been bored for the past week. all i've been doing is sitting on my ass, watching tv, and surfing the net doing surveys... ugh...
i need to go out, i need to be free. i like being in the house, staying away from sunlight exposure, but come fureakin' on, i'm driving over a cliff here...
you know what... britt... call me, and we can flee this hell hole and hitch a ride to vegas. let's rebel ;) we can... we can... we can start an enterprise.. we can gather mal-nourished people from parishing towns in foreign countries and put them in sweat shops, and work their fingers to the bone...
or we could just sell lemonade outside the local floozy bars x_x
i want to travel, i want to leave the house, i want to socialize. i want to see PEOPLE for once. scary, scary i know. i've never been so desperate to interact with the highly inferior human race before... but... *sigh* desperate times call for desperate measures.
VEGAS IT IS!
Colleen
Posted at 05:20 pm by crows_vein
Monday, July 19, 2004
you look good wearing my future
aggravated
music: {the hives - "supply and demand"}
have you ever tasted a waywardly driven tear? it tastes bitter and sweet... like your lips again mine.
don't know where that came from, just felt like writing a little creative one-liner. maybe i'll extend it into a sonnet or something. maybe a free verse, i dont see any rhyming coming my way. i havent written anything in a while really... i'm quite disappointed.
i've been working on this "novel" of mine, which i'm sure you remember me telling you about it, if you're a regular here. i've completely changed the title. it went from being "vodka: male strīppers and ciggies" to being "anglophilia."
and not only have i changed the title, i've made some more minor alterations.
the main character, dulcy, the name was taken from a caleida journal, is english. that's not a change. she was always english ;) the plot previously was just a conflict of her finding love with her best friend or a new neighbor.
now her mother comes into the picture, visits from her home in california, and tries to set her daughter up with a man. only because the other 5 of her daughters are married and expecting.
dulcy lies to her mother on the telephone and tells her that she already has a boyfriend, only to avoid the horrible potentials that she dishes out. so her mother comes to visit, to meet this man, and then she would be on her way.
the man posing as her boyfriend is her not-so-flamingly gāy bestfriend. josheph, aka "sepher."
and while this lovely charade is carrying itself out, her new neighbor whom has moved into the apartment next door to her, and whom dulcy has shared an affectionate moment with, has difficulty absorbing the idea of her being unavailable.
eh... i'm sure its been done before... its horribly cliché, but i just need a break from the vampyric and demōnic stories i'm always drowning myself in.
also... i'm debating whether this should be a "book" or a play script. i'm not sure. i was hoping i could have it a movie script, and pull it off. but... i dont know yet.
because, i visualize all these scenes in my head, in so much detail. i dream about them, i ponder about them. and i just cant see myself writing it as a book, with figurative imagery. i see this being literal, i see this work being born into a movie or a play, one that someone can actual feel and see. and, eventually, i do see myself growing to be a playwright or a script writer. maybe even a director.
anywho, today was a lazy day. tomorrow we're going to the pool to help moira brush up on her swimming skills, the ones in which she is in lack of.
later days.
oh, i just watched "Some Kind of Wonderful." lovely 80s flick. i've found a new love for eric stoltz. his character was just the sweetest person... and yet the highly impossible to exist. but oh well. that movie is where i got the name for this entry, i just loved the last words. anywho, many thanks for reading my blog, tag me, wont you?
Colleen
Posted at 04:33 pm by crows_vein
Sunday, July 18, 2004
[ this is what i wrote yesterday, but didnt have time to publish]
amused
music: {veruca salt - "sweedish fish"}
well today was just full of fun.
in the morning, during breaky, my parents gave me a lovely lecture on how i should not spend my summer on my ass and waste it away like a pubber holding a corona. they didnt really say it in so many words, but i got the idea.
they actually drove me to tears, which shouldnt really shouldnt leave you gobsmacked, because i'm an easy person to make cry. excuse me for being just a trifle effeminate.
anywho, they started talking about my summer plans and such... i have no summer plans. is that such a bad thing? they yelled at me for not getting a job yet. well, oops on me if the places that i want to work dont hire 15 year olds. is that my fault?
i'm not going to do some job that i dont like for money. i'm not that desperate. i'm patient enough to wait til i'm sixteen. i'm not working at dunkin donuts, no chance.
i want to work at a video store, preferably blockbuster, i've got more passion for films and video games than i will ever have for another human being.
better yet, i'll apply to a cd store, doing the bitch work. i'll lift heavy things, i'll vaccuum the rugs, i just want to be around music and movies... loser-ific, but wtf?
well... well... taking the detail that i'm not old enough for a job like that into consideration, i've decided to pull a zaca {lol} and start looking for babysitting gigs. i love children, i've got experience. i'm a certified CPR person, and i've taken classes on babysitting. kids love me, or so they claim.
so brittykins... if you've got any little children relatives that need a babysitter, put a good word in for me. XD
i'm going to start handing out papers at the church and library. they're people always there looking for a sitting-on-babies-person. i'm good at sitting on children ;)
just a moment ago, i finished watching quueer eye for the straight guy. {purposely mispelt, darlings} and i loved it once again. they are just positively hilarious. and then... and then... *heavy breath* i watched the UK Version. two of the best things in the world...british fruits :D i loved it so much, i was plastered onto the telli, my dad walked in and he called me a homophile and an anglophile. i found that pretty amusing as well.
well, tomorrow's pool day. cant wait to expose myself to a countless amount of absolute strangers. never been so chuffed in my entire waking days.
[today's entry]
fatigued
music: {something coporate - "in the pocket"}
today i went to the pool. whoo... no one was there, we were the only swimmers for a while. then a few people came, some annoying children with their aquatic play-things... dont get in the effing pool with an ice cream cone in your hand.
we swam around, moira didnt want to ride on my back. so i swam alone for a while underwater with my eyes open. note to self: never get in the pool with eye make up. my eyes started to buuuurn so much after a while.
i cried so much because they stung. they still do actually, but not as strongly. after i took a nap at home, the pain died down a tidbit.
but while we were at the pool, i taught her how to swim and stuff. held her torso while she floated and kicked, held her waiste while she paddles her arms and blew bubbles. one of the lifeguards confronted me and told me that i'd make a good swimming instructor. i could see myself doing that. mom said that all the other lifeguards on duty and shifts were watching me teach moira with severe interest. haha.
today's not much of an entry... i dont really feel like writing much. i'm just pondering about some stuff.
brittykins, feel better. dont drown yourself in agony if you dont see mike all that much. he's a great person, absotively posilutely perfect, but you dont need him or any other guy to have a good life and be happy. but i do hope your skies brighten soon.
Colleen
Posted at 04:59 pm by crows_vein
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