I AM COLLEEN.
I'm Colleen.
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Wednesday, August 04, 2004
so many goals thrown away
determined
current:::
tunes: placebo, my sweet prince
munchies: my lunch. chicken nuggets and chips.
poison: mango iced tea.
attire: boxer shorts with hearts on them, and a black tank top
strain: if i'll accomplish what i'm trying to do.
   
guess what i'm going to do. go on, guess. don't be chicken. *buck buck* haha, you can't guess can you? way too many possibilities. i could be making a decision to become a man, to sell my organs to science... but you don't know that for sure do you? well well...haha. i could be volunteering to mother baby goat children in my uterus, and you just have no clue. how does it feel to be completely uninformed? do you feel neglected, forsaken, rejected? no? well you should. you really should.
nah i'm just fûckin' around with you.
i'm not doing anything harsh... i'm just trying to teach myself the guitar. i'm not going to scientifically insert farm animal fetuses into my womb. gosh, no. just going to learn how to play the guitar. nothing big.
how did i gather upon this idea? last night the fam and i were outside loitering in our yard. i asked my dad if it's hard to play the guitar. and that's how the conversation commenced. he told me no, it's not hard. and i told him that i have always been interested in playing. "it's a family thing," he said to me. his brother took guitar lessons and was in a band, and he himself took guitar for a while. so naturally, i'm taking an interest into the lovely instrument.
i want to try and teach myself, no instructor. just me and my dad is all. maybe i'll get vin or alex to give me a few pointers. after all, vin does live behind me. lol but my mom detests him. only because he and his friends jump into our yard all the time... no valid reason there. o_o;;
anywho, yea, i'm teaching myself to read music already on some websites, and my dad's gonna help me a trifle. it'll be cool. i just got to get two strings on the guitar replaced. yea, man, they're so off. i was tuning it today {it's my father's old acoustic} and the two middle strings were utterly deâd.
my dad says that if i learn how to play the guitar, he'll buy me an electric. this is the time where we shake what our momma's gave us. *shakes* w00t. i don't know... just thinking about the possibility that i'll own an electric guitar is kind of invigorating. i just have to learn how to read music. my dad says that it's hereditary for someone to be good in music, to have it run through their veins. i just hope it doesn't skip a generation. because i do enjoy listening to music... i havent really developed the playing skills...
i've always been interested in the guitar. ever since i was a wee colleen. i don't know why... i just love the way a pick looks in between my fingers, i love the way the neck feels clutched in my hand, and the way the strings slide against my finger tips when i strum them. god, i really want to do this. no matter how long it takes. i really do want to learn the guitar, and play it well.
this is not one of my goals that i'll end up throwing away... even though it sure seems like it. i've made plenty of plans to better my accomplishments. i once planned on making a movie. yea, i was writing the script and everything. i was pondering about the setting, the characters. i was searching around for an available cam-corder.. everything. and then i made the mistake of telling my mother my ideas, and she just blew it up in my face. no movie... there was to be no movie. oh well. let's just see how my new guitar fantasy plays out. do you think i could do it?
going to go read my summer reading book. i've got a whole month to read 2 books and do the assignment. hah... not possible.
Colleen
Posted at 02:21 pm by crows_vein
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
love ya like a cold sore.
down
current:::
tunes: placebo, without you i'm nothing.
munchies: not hungry.
poison: mango iced tea.
attire: black tanktop, dark blue skirt, green flipflops.
strain: if i'll die miserable.
   ![[User Picture]](http://pics.greatestjournal.com/userpic/8122060/234536) 
i don't know what the fûck is wrong with me. i'm just in a really low mood right now. and i feel that i will always be at a low. it's just one of those gut feelings. one of those gut feelings that you can't ignore. i think i'm just down because i've been cooped up in the house for the last...century. i feel like crying right now, and i have no idea why. maybe its just one of thost post menstrual cases. who the fûck knows?
god. i don't understand what brought this random wave of depression. it's really a nail in my eye, you know? don't you ever just become upset out of no where? for no apparent reason? you could be watching VH1 one moment... and then the next you feel like locking yourself in a closet with nothing but darkness and a dagger.
this is the kind of shtick that perplexes me. the actions of the human brain. the hormones and the chemicals...all mix together and form a manically depressed piece of waste. science is a wonderful thing. human emotion is a wonderful thing. i just love it. like a cold sore. it's the fûcking 8th world wonder, no offense kimberly locke.
what the fûck is wrong with me, what the hell am i venting about? is this productive? is this going to make me feel anymore useful...any more needed? is this going to lift my spirits and make me all perky again? yea. yea... i'll just keep telling myself that.
i need to get a life. i say this everyday damned day, and it never means anything. it doesn't mean anything today either. it's just the same situation... a sad, bored, meaningless fifteen year old just bitching about the horrible life she doesn't have. how horrendously cliché.
~the first cut is always the deepest~
yea, i shall flee now, for i am spent.
Colleen
![[User Picture]](http://pics.greatestjournal.com/userpic/7893891/466853) 
Posted at 07:06 pm by crows_vein
blah would be an understatement
music: {marilyn mansôn - "the better of two evîls"}
      
i'm so blah today... mixed emotion, swinging in the whirlwind of colleenness. some jackass with a brain disorder keeps on tagging my board (and other people's boards as well) under my name, and it's really turning into a pain. they're not doing anything drastic, just being a real twinge in the ass. whoever you are, please stop. it's getting annoying, and there really isn't any point in pretending to be a nobody like me... just... cease this endless stupidity.
last night i watched that johnny depp movie. secret window, was it? ah yes, t'was. i didn't take a liking to it, it made no sense. the guy turned out just be an alter ego, am i correct? well...how the fûck did he create that visual image? the visual aspect of his alter ego... i just dont understand. it would make more sense if it actually looked like mort, but no... someone completely diverse. i swear it, humanity's motive in life is beyond me. they try to make a successful movie, but they just butcher the art of stephen king. i spit on you. *spit spit*
not going to do much today... probably going to catch up on my summer reading, surf through moozik jams to see if i can get a different song clip. maybe i'll put saliva on here. or the hives. if they've got the killers i'd be shot out of my seat.
ugh...going to go make my bed and then collapse onto it. later days, my whippersnappers. for i am spent.
Colleen
Posted at 12:35 pm by crows_vein
Monday, August 02, 2004
these bônds are shackle-free.
filthy
music: {placebo - "ask for answers"}
   
  
agh, i need to take a shower...yes yes, i have OCD, leave me alone. i can't stand feeling unclean, it's the most annoying thing ever to steal me. the other day, i took three showers and i still felt all icky.
...yea, i'm derranged...so what?
hmm...last night i watched half of LOTR: The Two Towers and half of A Fish Called Wanda with my dad. great movie... a classic. trés chuette.
hm, not a very tasty update to give you sweeties, so i'm sorry. nothing interesting has happened. except when i woke up this morning my calves felt like someone is ripping through them with a gutting knife. and the feeling has yet to cease.
hmm what else. oh, well while my mom was out this morning i watched The Crow: City of Angels. i didn't like it as much as i did the first. it was a tease, during the entire thing i was yearning to watch the original...but alas, i am deprived of it. the best part of this one was when the chick painted ash's face. that was just a very beautiful moment. i'm a dreamer, so sue me.
note to " diva! ": don't insult me on my own tagboard, you spineless swine who wasn't ballsy enough to actually leave the link to their blog. indeed, i'm a freak. so...bite me, you daft berk.
Colleen 
Posted at 02:21 pm by crows_vein
Sunday, August 01, 2004
confuzzled
current:::
music: {incubus - "pardon me" -- the acoustic version--}
food: KFC potato wedges...much love for these bad boys ;)
drink: my peach green tea stuffz.
clothes: gray sweat pants, purple spaghetti strap
worry: what mom's going to do about the gramma-cancer factor...
   
well, have i got quite the update for you whippersnappers...
yesterday i started to watch the butterfly effect with my father... i didn't like it. it was so òbscene . i couldn't take it, i kept walking out of the room because the images were much too bleak and painful for me. i could have done without the offensive terms and languages, not to mention the gestures and disturbing truths of the world. the mom and baby explode //which made me quite angry//, the dad films kiddie pôrn //when this part rode in, i went into the loo to vomit//....
i have to say however, it was a good movie, even though i only got to see three quarters of it. it portrayed the reality that we live in, the everyday horrôrs, the burns that we pass by. it was a great movie, fantastic, but i loathed it all the same. don't tell me that's not possible. because if there's one thing i've learned in my years of art education, it's very damned possible for one to admit that a certain piece of work is well-done, but deny it admiration at the same time. i've done it at several occasions.
but anywho, the only reason i enjoyed watching that movie is because it was ashton kutcher's kinda-sorta first try in drama. i have to say... the kid's multi-talented. he pulled off what jim carrey couldnt do in the majestic. i adored the way kutcher added a little humor to the disfunctional happenings.
a lot of people i know think ashton kutcher is a pretty-boy, fall head-over-heels gorgeous piece of eye candy. i personally think he is indeed one of the beautiful people in the world, yes... but of course he is, the man started out as a male môdel. and he's grown spectacularly. kudos kutcher ;)
so yes indeedy, while i was nearing the end of the flick, mom came home from the grocery store in a hissy fit. she was angry that i didn't tuck moira in, and that i didn't make myself dinner. my most sincerest apologies for not being hungry, momma. thou shalt punish me with a yard stick, you wayward wench ;x and about the moira thing? she always comes home at night and scolds me for putting her to sleep."where's my baby!? why is she in bed!?" wtf to that. so she was shouting at me like i had just commited mûrder in the first degree, her face was all red, her little vein was throbbing, she was sweating... just being the maniacal lunatic she is. so when we went outside to get the groceries from the trunk of the car, we were going at it like two lions in the coliseum. she told me to shut up because she didn't want the ~neighbors~ to hear us. i screamed out "no i'm not going to shut up, i want every one to know how fureakin' psychotic you are!"
...i'm not as dêad as i thought i'd be.
hah, i'm still alive. instead of her kîlling me right there on the spot, she just shrugged it off and went inside to complain to dad. he said nothing about it, because secretly... he agreed with me.
so then mom focused her rage onto my dad for letting me get away with calling her psychotic. he just sat there watching the movie... ignoring her. god, how masterful he was. i can't wait until i develop blocking-out skills. i hope they're hereditary...
so mom and i were still yelling at each other. i opened the bottom cubbard to put the cereal boxes away...i moved one of the pasta boxes to the side, and guess what! it tipped over, and all the lovely swirly noodles splattered onto the kitchen floor. my mom scolded me once more for being such a "useless clutzy blob" and i had the stinging urge to just...throw the little twirly noodles at her. oh, only if i could have gotten away with it. when i had finished my duty of putting the noodles back in their box, my mother told me that we're having them for dinner tonight. ~_o
i know that a very handsome portion of you all that are reading this, are taking my mother's side in this feud, because that said portion of you are already mothers and fathers to your own children. i respect that... but if you were to just spend 15 minutes with my mother, i can guarantee you would spend 10 of those 15 minutes plotting her downfall.
anywho, after we put all the stuff in their proper places, i didn't stick around to watch the end of movie. i just went into my room, my sanctuary, and got in bed. i screamed into my pillow several times before my vocal cords grew tired. then i just fell asleep. ideal, is it not?
my grandmother's got cancer, she's bleeding endlessly... i'm not even going to touch that subject. too fragile, i am. it pains me to know that my mother isn't going to go visit her and be by her side as she ales. if only i could just stuff her in a duffle bag and send her to mexico (that's where my grandmother is, i wouldnt send my mother to mexico just to rot in the dust. not now at least, i'll save that for when my gramma's healthy) it's not like we dont have enough money for her to take a plane to mexico. we have just enough. i'll frickin' give her my pickle jar full of change if need be...
ugh, i'm going to go read something.
later days, ya hoolagins ('',)
Colleen~
  
Posted at 05:10 pm by crows_vein
Saturday, July 31, 2004
fatigued
music: {kill your idols - "autumn"}
not much of an update to give you fellers, i just want you all to check out my bôndage barbie icon. isnt she just spiffy? much love for the kink ;)
Posted at 07:21 pm by crows_vein
i'm not living a long life
indescribable
music: {music clip on my blog, the vines - "ride"}
    
     
so yesterday we went to that family fun thing...
i don't care what they say. it was not fun. it was mostly a mini game show where they asked you incoherant questions. the best part was when the guy asked a 10-year-old..."what's the capital of the united states?"
the kids buzzes in and screams... "ALBANY!!!"
fûcking moron...
anywho, i got very angry during this little junction when they played "name that tune." the dj would spin a few song clips for the audience to hear, and whomever stood up first and screamed the name of the song would get a raffle ticket.
they played a song that is heard nation wide on television. one fureakin' house wife jumped up and shouted "THE FRIENDS' THEME SONG!!"
yea, that was the second name of it. the real name of the song is "I'll Be There For You" by the Rembrandts. that really pîssed me off when the guy accepted it as the theme song to friends. what kind of society are we living in here?
when it ended we all drove home and ate some of those italian rainbow cookies. yum. and then moira, dad and i watched Hellboy. w00t, it was a great movie i've got to say... it was just wow. it ended more quickly than i thought it would, but it was still super. much love for it, much love... i just really got tired of that reptile monster that kept on respawning into two more creatures. it was getting really annoying. but nonetheless... t'was a spiffy flick. if you haven't seen it... rent it, buy it, steal it... do whatever you can to watch it.
eh... i'm bored. it's barely even noon and i've got nothing to do. i should get a job. i should get a hobby. should i take up tap dancing?
i might edit some more later on today, if anything interesting happens.
til then,
Colleen
Posted at 12:52 pm by crows_vein
Friday, July 30, 2004
cranky
music: {box car racer - "there is"}
i'm in a really bad mood...i just want to break something... *snaps a toothpick in half* there... the craving is satisfied. ugh... we're going to the family fair thing in an hour. katelyn never called back, so chances are she's not coming with us. so it'd be just me, mom, and moira. a recipe for ~fun~! yea ok we're going to have a greaaat time.
NetFlix is a great thing man... ~Hellboy~ came in the mail today. shall we rejoice? i think we shall. *rejoices* oh fûckereeny, i cannot wait to see it... i fell head first for the previews, and i'm a fan of selma blair, ever since she made kill me later <--click that... with max beesley. it wasn't a big hit in the box office, but its one of my favorite flicks. i could watch it over and over again... and i have ;)
eh i've stumbled upon something quite the knee-slapper today. check it out.
What Does PMS Stand For?
1. Promoting Male Slavery
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid Section
5. Provide Me w/ Sweets
6. People Make me Sick
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pîssy Mood Syndrome
11. Pain Management Sucks
12. Plainly, Men Suck!
13. Pack My Stuff
14. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
15. Probably Missing Something
16. Pardon My Screaming
17. Post (Joe) Montana Syndrome
18. Perpetual Mood Swings
19. Pass My Shotgun
20. Potential Mûrder Suspect
later days, my lush lovers.
Colleen
Posted at 07:04 pm by crows_vein
smack me silly and call me lola
blank
music: {the hives - "die, alright!"}
well...i thought about brittany's comment on my last entry, after reading it twice... and yea i thought about it a lot.
i haven't really come up with a decision on what to do about tom. i know he's a hôrny little bâstard, but maybe i'm willing to work with that. i understand that he's most likely going to try something with me, and break up with me if he doesn't get what he wants. i wouldn't mind being dumped. hey, it's better to have lôved and lost than never to lôved at all.
but i wouldn't be able to accept it if he were to ever cheat on me. i wouldn't be able to hide my pain behind a smile and act like everything's honkey dorey, like i always do whenever something bothers me. i wouldn't be able to do that. my agony would be worn, and would be visible for even the nâked eye to see.
god, i don't know what to do... i respect brittany's judgement, and i've taken her advice into consideration. i lôve her, but i'm just afraid. afraid that my good intentions will blow up in my face. i'm afraid of being hurt. i'm willing to take the chance of "going out" with tom, i'm willing to put myself in a situation where degredation and dignity depletion are present. i'm ready to just... step into the flames. but i fear getting burned.
...fùckeroo... oh i'll just make the decision when i know for sure that i'll see tom during the school year. he's in a different grade than i am, and there are three different lunch periods. what are the chances that he and i will have the same one? i can avoid him... i'm damn good at avoiding people.
anywho, today we're going to some family fair at town hall. i dont know wtf it is... something with little contests and junk like that. katelyn and her mom might be tagging along... but either way... i'm not really in the mood to go out anywhere. i just want to stay home in my jammies and leopard print slippers. i swear it, i havent worn actual clothing in a week. it's scary....but so very ideal.
i'll probably update later... love you all. and i love you brittykins, thanks for your comment and your blunt and "harsh" honesty, it showed me the light, so to speak. i'm glad i've got a friend like you ;)
Colleen
Posted at 11:12 am by crows_vein
Thursday, July 29, 2004
sore
current:::
music: {cradle of filth - "babalon AD"}
drink: cold peach flavored green tea
food: my lunch...a hotdog and a pickle. two equally phallic objects.
clothing: boxer shorts and an old gray t-shirt
view: my computer screen
feeling: concerned
anywho, lately i've been thinking about a lot of things. pondering what would happen when the school year starts up again. i'm not worried about the responsibilities, and the work, the challenges, and the assignments. i've always been successful in those areas. {not to sound conceited} grades aren't an issue with me much. i just have to stay in focus... and keep my priorities straight.
but i feel that next year i am going to have a trifle difficulty focusing. why, you ask? well... i don't know. i would be surrounded by my friends that i haven't seen in a long time. in the beginning of the year my grades are going to plummet to their doom because the only thing i'd be worried about is catching up with my buddies. or... maybe trying to figure out things with tom.
oh god... the tom factor. that's going to be a pain in the ass. i wonder how i'm going to deal with that.
yea, i've been dreaming a lot of things involving tom. but i dont ever remember much of my dreams. i can barely recall the one i had last night. all i know is that tom was there. that's it. is that bad?
god, next year is going be very eventful. i honestly don't know what i'm going to do with the tom issue... it's been easy for me to forget about him during the summer, but of course, i don't see him.
but chances are that when school begins, i will have to cope with seeing him around in the hallways. or maybe even at lunch. who the fûck knows? maybe he'd be in my gym class. oh god forbid.
i hope i'm not giving you all the wrong sign. i bet you're all thinking that i dislike him or something. which i don't. that's the problem, i like him a whole lot... and i'm just fretting over next year. what'll happen. what we'll become. i don't want there to be some sort of tension between him and i. because... i don't know why the fûck he ever liked me in the first place. i'm really not a likeable person. i'm easier to loathe than to admire... i'm really not good enough for him.
sure, we shared a kiss...a few at that, and i have no fûcking idea why that happened. indeed, it was beautiful, it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me... but come on. let's be realistic here. like he kissed me because he likes me. hah. why would he? i'm horrendous.
god... sometimes.... i just think i'm not good enough for a lot of things.
going to go read.
before you leave this site, scroll down and read the short story i wrote below this.. i would really appreciate some feedback. thank you.
Colleen
Posted at 02:19 pm by crows_vein
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