I AM COLLEEN.
I'm Colleen.
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Tuesday, August 10, 2004
afraid to see that you're alone
at peace
music: {something corporate - "konstantine"}
      
just spent about two hours lying down outside in the hammock with moira. it was peaceful, we talked about stuff. quality sister moment. i do indeed cherish her more than the average eye may perceive. she's a pain in my ass, a finger in my eye, a nail in my palm, a thorn in my paw, barbed wire around my neck... but she's my tôrture device, and only mine.
last night we watched hidalgo. it was pretty good, save the fact that there was so much ruckus in the background...i couldnt make out any of the dialogue. but otherwise, t'was a good flick.
today i also watched joy ride. ha. paul walker... nice ass ;x
agh, i'm bored. what to do...what to do...
i'm going to go watch friends. later days, you blôod lûsting savages ;)
Colleen
Posted at 08:12 pm by crows_vein
Monday, August 09, 2004
anxious
music: {malice mizer - "beast of bloôd}
No fear, no sadness
Lofty life is tasting loneliness and eternity
And near by the target with no more life
Red drops on my greedy lips
Falls down on the freezing ground
Get down limitless night
Beast of bloôd...
    
i'm so bored. i need something to do. i need to see people. mom says i should do something with kate. but i don't want to. i don't know why, it just seems like kate has been my only source of fun this summer. i want variety, diversity, i need some other people. i'm awaiting nav's invitation in the mail, because if i go to her party i get to see carolyn, brittany t, diandra, and jessica. a recipe for madness ('',) plus... it's just effing great to get letters in the mail. doesn't it just spiff your boots?
anywho, there's a big possibility that we're going on a family camping adventure next weekend. i'm hoping to meet some interesting humanoids. i have this little fantasy... the parentals and younger sibling go off on a nature hike, i stick at the campsite to read my book... and some neighboring campers come for a heartfelt visit. whee. i watch too much television...
i've never been so eager to meet new people. i've always been the one that shuns social intros with the fellow race, but gosh, i am seriously losing it. i see the same people every fûcking day. mom. moira. dad. mom. moira. dad. mom. moira. dad. ...sometimes not in that order.
we went for a walk last night around sun-down, it felt good... getting out from behind the walls holding me in quarantine, taking a stroll down the private streets. passing the local elementary school yard. some people playing stick-ball and screaming random obscênities... nothing warms the heart more.
i was never so happy to see interaction between humanity, but i'm at a desperate level.
i'm sick and tired of the day to day routine i've gotten myself lodged into. i need some freshness. something to spunk up my day. i need new people, because i'm already starting to finish my mother's sentences. and you know you've had enough of your family when you begin to conclude their thoughts.
ugh... besides the fact that i have yet to succeed in my summer reading assignment, i'm looking forward to the new school year. hoping to see a couple of in-coming freshmen that i've had the pleasure of knowing in junior high. it'd be an intriguing experience. they're.. kind of not my type of people though. they're into the whole...r&b/pop wave that hit the world. hopefully their interest in sean paul and britney spears and a crowd like that is nothing but a phase, it being the horrid phase that it is. ick.
going to go clean something. ta ta.
Colleen
Posted at 01:38 pm by crows_vein
Sunday, August 08, 2004
living with my eyes closed
angry
music: {the cure - "pictures of you"}
      
i'm so mad at myself... i was editing the profile of this blog, and i ally deleted the url to the animation. you know, the animation of the guy who stole a lollipop from a child and the feds chase after him for miles... damnit damnit damnit. if any of you happened to copy the url to anything, please, leave it in my comments. i miss it so much, it was the highlight of my blog :(
anywho, i watched Cold Creek Manor last night. ick. just...ick. it defied every single law of entertainment. it jumped from event to event, nothing was linked, and then in the end...there were a bunch of questions still to be answered. did dale kill the horse? why was ruby granted the right to visit their private graveyard? did dale really put the snakes in the house? why the hell did the little kid write poems about the hole in the woods, before he was thrown down there? nothing made sense, the movie didn't end correctly...it was horrible.
agh...today's not much of an entry, it's still the morning. i'll probably write another later, if anything good happens.
today we're just going to the park for moira to ride her bike. i'm probably going to read some of my book... and then take a nap. and then a shower. incase you all care.
bye,
Colleen
Posted at 12:29 pm by crows_vein
Saturday, August 07, 2004
okay
music: {bill medley and jennifer warne - "i've had the time of my life"}
     
we went to go see spy kids 3d last night. there was a shortage on glasses so i ended up donating mine to some deprived youngins. they were so cute ;) so i'm soft, wtf is wrong with that? i adore kids, and my mom looked like i had just gotten away with homicide. she just doesn't understand my passion for the youth. a lot of my friends and other not-so-close acquaintances think i'm strange for adoring children so much. "it's abnormal for a teen to love kids so much, you should be loathing them."
i told my mom one day that i can't wait to have a kid, by any means necessary. only this because she knows i've taken a vow of celibacy, and she screamed at me. ~you're not getting artificially inseminated!~ i love my mom, i really do... but... i'm having a kid, by any means necessary. and if i had to adopt, that is what i shall do. i'm pretty much going to avoid anything artificial...
um...hmm...what else to talk about. last night when we came back, i watched American Choppers with my dad. t'was very cool. i love that show, its one of my favorites, it's right up there with will & grace and friends. aside from the beautiful custom choppers, i watch it for mikey. mikey's kick-ass ;) he's so funny. he's really the heart of the garage, no matter how much paul sr. denies it.
and on to today. mom and dad drove into the city {new york city} on the motorcycle so they can go shopping. or something pansy-ass like that. i love shopping, it's super, but i mean... you don't go into the city to shop. well you do... but that's beyond the point. i don't even know what point is. so i'll just cease my rambling.
i'm here babysitting moira, she's been good. i think she's sick or something because she's not poking at me or bothering me for anything. should i be worried?
anywho, i just finished watching Dirty Dancing. the original. the one that should not have been made into a sequel. i could give a lesser shît, i don't care what they say... the second could not have been better than the first. i love that movie... i just love it. i havent seen the second, and i'm not willing to... because i don't want to be proven wrong. and if you've seen it, and consider it better than the first, well, just keep it to yourself please ;/
so today's not much of a day. uh...hmm... probably going to read my summer reading some more. then watch some tv, or surf around the net. maybe going to take a very long nap for no apparent reason what so ever.
comment question of the day.
when you were a child, what did you want to be when you "grew up," and why?
i wanted to be a lot of things. i was determined to be the one that rode on the back of the garbage truck. i wanted to be a cartoonist, a vet, a children's doctor, and i wanted to put those little plastic things on the end of shoelaces... i had a very strange childhood.
g'bye, ya scurvy wenches ;x
Colleen
Posted at 04:03 pm by crows_vein
Friday, August 06, 2004
satisfied
music: {nine days - "absolutely"}
      
  
we went to the church park yesterday. i was hoping to see mike and britt there, because there have been several occasions where i've heard of them going there. but alas, they were not. oh well. school's starting soon, i'll see my pallies then. and only then.
nav called me the other day and invited me to her swinging birthday shin-dig at the end of the month. it's at jones beach. i can't wait to go, really, i love the beach, and it's going to be at night. the best time of the day. i anticipate it strongly. i just have yet to figure out a gift for her. an actual present is much better than money or a certificate. because with cash and a gift card, you know exactly how much money they spent on you. as opposed to a gift, which keeps them guessing and on their toes. i'm not really sure what to get her. sure nav and i have got the same taste, sort of. maybe i'll buy her a sweater or something. or a book. chances are i'll get her a book. because she sure takes a fancy to the british like i do. and vampires. she's quite spiffy on vampirism. yes. to barnes & nobles it is.
anywho. anywho...i've been using that word a lot lately. and to those are frequent visitors to my lovely online spillage, i'm sure its getting on your nerves, is it not? eesh. nevermind.
but anywho, tonight we're going to town hall yet again to watch a movie. Spy Kids 3D. i dont want to go... but its a family thing, so i'm being forced to.
i'm tired... i'm filthy... i'm bored. i'm going to go take a short nap, then take a shower, and then go read my book.
question of the day. leave the answer in my comments.
if you could go back in time to fix one thing, one mistake you've made... what would you change?
personally, i wouldn't change a thing, but that's just me. i'm a freak ;) i'm not saying every separate decision i've made has been the right one. my point is that.. your past forms you. everything has its own effect. and if i erase any of the mistakes i've made, i'd have nothing to learn from. nothing to harvest my knowledge from.
Colleen
Posted at 12:16 pm by crows_vein
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
so many goals thrown away
determined
current:::
tunes: placebo, my sweet prince
munchies: my lunch. chicken nuggets and chips.
poison: mango iced tea.
attire: boxer shorts with hearts on them, and a black tank top
strain: if i'll accomplish what i'm trying to do.
   
guess what i'm going to do. go on, guess. don't be chicken. *buck buck* haha, you can't guess can you? way too many possibilities. i could be making a decision to become a man, to sell my organs to science... but you don't know that for sure do you? well well...haha. i could be volunteering to mother baby goat children in my uterus, and you just have no clue. how does it feel to be completely uninformed? do you feel neglected, forsaken, rejected? no? well you should. you really should.
nah i'm just fûckin' around with you.
i'm not doing anything harsh... i'm just trying to teach myself the guitar. i'm not going to scientifically insert farm animal fetuses into my womb. gosh, no. just going to learn how to play the guitar. nothing big.
how did i gather upon this idea? last night the fam and i were outside loitering in our yard. i asked my dad if it's hard to play the guitar. and that's how the conversation commenced. he told me no, it's not hard. and i told him that i have always been interested in playing. "it's a family thing," he said to me. his brother took guitar lessons and was in a band, and he himself took guitar for a while. so naturally, i'm taking an interest into the lovely instrument.
i want to try and teach myself, no instructor. just me and my dad is all. maybe i'll get vin or alex to give me a few pointers. after all, vin does live behind me. lol but my mom detests him. only because he and his friends jump into our yard all the time... no valid reason there. o_o;;
anywho, yea, i'm teaching myself to read music already on some websites, and my dad's gonna help me a trifle. it'll be cool. i just got to get two strings on the guitar replaced. yea, man, they're so off. i was tuning it today {it's my father's old acoustic} and the two middle strings were utterly deâd.
my dad says that if i learn how to play the guitar, he'll buy me an electric. this is the time where we shake what our momma's gave us. *shakes* w00t. i don't know... just thinking about the possibility that i'll own an electric guitar is kind of invigorating. i just have to learn how to read music. my dad says that it's hereditary for someone to be good in music, to have it run through their veins. i just hope it doesn't skip a generation. because i do enjoy listening to music... i havent really developed the playing skills...
i've always been interested in the guitar. ever since i was a wee colleen. i don't know why... i just love the way a pick looks in between my fingers, i love the way the neck feels clutched in my hand, and the way the strings slide against my finger tips when i strum them. god, i really want to do this. no matter how long it takes. i really do want to learn the guitar, and play it well.
this is not one of my goals that i'll end up throwing away... even though it sure seems like it. i've made plenty of plans to better my accomplishments. i once planned on making a movie. yea, i was writing the script and everything. i was pondering about the setting, the characters. i was searching around for an available cam-corder.. everything. and then i made the mistake of telling my mother my ideas, and she just blew it up in my face. no movie... there was to be no movie. oh well. let's just see how my new guitar fantasy plays out. do you think i could do it?
going to go read my summer reading book. i've got a whole month to read 2 books and do the assignment. hah... not possible.
Colleen
Posted at 02:21 pm by crows_vein
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
love ya like a cold sore.
down
current:::
tunes: placebo, without you i'm nothing.
munchies: not hungry.
poison: mango iced tea.
attire: black tanktop, dark blue skirt, green flipflops.
strain: if i'll die miserable.
   ![[User Picture]](http://pics.greatestjournal.com/userpic/8122060/234536) 
i don't know what the fûck is wrong with me. i'm just in a really low mood right now. and i feel that i will always be at a low. it's just one of those gut feelings. one of those gut feelings that you can't ignore. i think i'm just down because i've been cooped up in the house for the last...century. i feel like crying right now, and i have no idea why. maybe its just one of thost post menstrual cases. who the fûck knows?
god. i don't understand what brought this random wave of depression. it's really a nail in my eye, you know? don't you ever just become upset out of no where? for no apparent reason? you could be watching VH1 one moment... and then the next you feel like locking yourself in a closet with nothing but darkness and a dagger.
this is the kind of shtick that perplexes me. the actions of the human brain. the hormones and the chemicals...all mix together and form a manically depressed piece of waste. science is a wonderful thing. human emotion is a wonderful thing. i just love it. like a cold sore. it's the fûcking 8th world wonder, no offense kimberly locke.
what the fûck is wrong with me, what the hell am i venting about? is this productive? is this going to make me feel anymore useful...any more needed? is this going to lift my spirits and make me all perky again? yea. yea... i'll just keep telling myself that.
i need to get a life. i say this everyday damned day, and it never means anything. it doesn't mean anything today either. it's just the same situation... a sad, bored, meaningless fifteen year old just bitching about the horrible life she doesn't have. how horrendously cliché.
~the first cut is always the deepest~
yea, i shall flee now, for i am spent.
Colleen
![[User Picture]](http://pics.greatestjournal.com/userpic/7893891/466853) 
Posted at 07:06 pm by crows_vein
blah would be an understatement
music: {marilyn mansôn - "the better of two evîls"}
      
i'm so blah today... mixed emotion, swinging in the whirlwind of colleenness. some jackass with a brain disorder keeps on tagging my board (and other people's boards as well) under my name, and it's really turning into a pain. they're not doing anything drastic, just being a real twinge in the ass. whoever you are, please stop. it's getting annoying, and there really isn't any point in pretending to be a nobody like me... just... cease this endless stupidity.
last night i watched that johnny depp movie. secret window, was it? ah yes, t'was. i didn't take a liking to it, it made no sense. the guy turned out just be an alter ego, am i correct? well...how the fûck did he create that visual image? the visual aspect of his alter ego... i just dont understand. it would make more sense if it actually looked like mort, but no... someone completely diverse. i swear it, humanity's motive in life is beyond me. they try to make a successful movie, but they just butcher the art of stephen king. i spit on you. *spit spit*
not going to do much today... probably going to catch up on my summer reading, surf through moozik jams to see if i can get a different song clip. maybe i'll put saliva on here. or the hives. if they've got the killers i'd be shot out of my seat.
ugh...going to go make my bed and then collapse onto it. later days, my whippersnappers. for i am spent.
Colleen
Posted at 12:35 pm by crows_vein
Monday, August 02, 2004
these bônds are shackle-free.
filthy
music: {placebo - "ask for answers"}
   
  
agh, i need to take a shower...yes yes, i have OCD, leave me alone. i can't stand feeling unclean, it's the most annoying thing ever to steal me. the other day, i took three showers and i still felt all icky.
...yea, i'm derranged...so what?
hmm...last night i watched half of LOTR: The Two Towers and half of A Fish Called Wanda with my dad. great movie... a classic. trés chuette.
hm, not a very tasty update to give you sweeties, so i'm sorry. nothing interesting has happened. except when i woke up this morning my calves felt like someone is ripping through them with a gutting knife. and the feeling has yet to cease.
hmm what else. oh, well while my mom was out this morning i watched The Crow: City of Angels. i didn't like it as much as i did the first. it was a tease, during the entire thing i was yearning to watch the original...but alas, i am deprived of it. the best part of this one was when the chick painted ash's face. that was just a very beautiful moment. i'm a dreamer, so sue me.
note to " diva! ": don't insult me on my own tagboard, you spineless swine who wasn't ballsy enough to actually leave the link to their blog. indeed, i'm a freak. so...bite me, you daft berk.
Colleen 
Posted at 02:21 pm by crows_vein
Sunday, August 01, 2004
confuzzled
current:::
music: {incubus - "pardon me" -- the acoustic version--}
food: KFC potato wedges...much love for these bad boys ;)
drink: my peach green tea stuffz.
clothes: gray sweat pants, purple spaghetti strap
worry: what mom's going to do about the gramma-cancer factor...
   
well, have i got quite the update for you whippersnappers...
yesterday i started to watch the butterfly effect with my father... i didn't like it. it was so òbscene . i couldn't take it, i kept walking out of the room because the images were much too bleak and painful for me. i could have done without the offensive terms and languages, not to mention the gestures and disturbing truths of the world. the mom and baby explode //which made me quite angry//, the dad films kiddie pôrn //when this part rode in, i went into the loo to vomit//....
i have to say however, it was a good movie, even though i only got to see three quarters of it. it portrayed the reality that we live in, the everyday horrôrs, the burns that we pass by. it was a great movie, fantastic, but i loathed it all the same. don't tell me that's not possible. because if there's one thing i've learned in my years of art education, it's very damned possible for one to admit that a certain piece of work is well-done, but deny it admiration at the same time. i've done it at several occasions.
but anywho, the only reason i enjoyed watching that movie is because it was ashton kutcher's kinda-sorta first try in drama. i have to say... the kid's multi-talented. he pulled off what jim carrey couldnt do in the majestic. i adored the way kutcher added a little humor to the disfunctional happenings.
a lot of people i know think ashton kutcher is a pretty-boy, fall head-over-heels gorgeous piece of eye candy. i personally think he is indeed one of the beautiful people in the world, yes... but of course he is, the man started out as a male môdel. and he's grown spectacularly. kudos kutcher ;)
so yes indeedy, while i was nearing the end of the flick, mom came home from the grocery store in a hissy fit. she was angry that i didn't tuck moira in, and that i didn't make myself dinner. my most sincerest apologies for not being hungry, momma. thou shalt punish me with a yard stick, you wayward wench ;x and about the moira thing? she always comes home at night and scolds me for putting her to sleep."where's my baby!? why is she in bed!?" wtf to that. so she was shouting at me like i had just commited mûrder in the first degree, her face was all red, her little vein was throbbing, she was sweating... just being the maniacal lunatic she is. so when we went outside to get the groceries from the trunk of the car, we were going at it like two lions in the coliseum. she told me to shut up because she didn't want the ~neighbors~ to hear us. i screamed out "no i'm not going to shut up, i want every one to know how fureakin' psychotic you are!"
...i'm not as dêad as i thought i'd be.
hah, i'm still alive. instead of her kîlling me right there on the spot, she just shrugged it off and went inside to complain to dad. he said nothing about it, because secretly... he agreed with me.
so then mom focused her rage onto my dad for letting me get away with calling her psychotic. he just sat there watching the movie... ignoring her. god, how masterful he was. i can't wait until i develop blocking-out skills. i hope they're hereditary...
so mom and i were still yelling at each other. i opened the bottom cubbard to put the cereal boxes away...i moved one of the pasta boxes to the side, and guess what! it tipped over, and all the lovely swirly noodles splattered onto the kitchen floor. my mom scolded me once more for being such a "useless clutzy blob" and i had the stinging urge to just...throw the little twirly noodles at her. oh, only if i could have gotten away with it. when i had finished my duty of putting the noodles back in their box, my mother told me that we're having them for dinner tonight. ~_o
i know that a very handsome portion of you all that are reading this, are taking my mother's side in this feud, because that said portion of you are already mothers and fathers to your own children. i respect that... but if you were to just spend 15 minutes with my mother, i can guarantee you would spend 10 of those 15 minutes plotting her downfall.
anywho, after we put all the stuff in their proper places, i didn't stick around to watch the end of movie. i just went into my room, my sanctuary, and got in bed. i screamed into my pillow several times before my vocal cords grew tired. then i just fell asleep. ideal, is it not?
my grandmother's got cancer, she's bleeding endlessly... i'm not even going to touch that subject. too fragile, i am. it pains me to know that my mother isn't going to go visit her and be by her side as she ales. if only i could just stuff her in a duffle bag and send her to mexico (that's where my grandmother is, i wouldnt send my mother to mexico just to rot in the dust. not now at least, i'll save that for when my gramma's healthy) it's not like we dont have enough money for her to take a plane to mexico. we have just enough. i'll frickin' give her my pickle jar full of change if need be...
ugh, i'm going to go read something.
later days, ya hoolagins ('',)
Colleen~
  
Posted at 05:10 pm by crows_vein
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