I AM COLLEEN.
I'm Colleen.
|
|
|
 |
|
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Monday, August 23, 2004
at the peak of my confusion
contemplative
music: {chevelle - "vitamin r"}
     
i have awakened my once-dorment love for Chevelle. i remember back in the day, about a year ago, i was completely infatuated with them. and i now see why. they are extremely talented, and i give them praise.
now on to the matter at hand. i don't know what i'm going to do with my life. the future, the long stretch of road ahead of me. that's all a blur to me right now. i've always been one to live for the moment and never worry about what's on the way. i evade it as much as i can. just like i am doing now.
i do know one thing though. when school starts, and i am confronted by tom... i'm not going to build up on the "potential" relationship that just might-be. i'm going to end it before it starts. if you know a disaster is headed for you, put a stop to it. it's like executing baby hitIer. and that's what i'm going to do.
you see, i don't trust my own judgement, never have and never will, but brittany has brought many things into perspective, the perspective in which i had fogged long ago. she made me recognize my own burried up thoughts about just what might happen. because of her concern for my well-being, i have established that i deserve better. and these are the few words that i've never said in my entire life. i've noted my non-existant ego and my lack of self esteem, but despite all that... i honestly do think i deserve better. maybe not spectacular, but better than tom.
and even if tom was the right person for me to endure a healthy relationship with, i'm not ready for it now. i'm at the peak of my confusion, high school years are the best. i don't want to wash them away by commiting myself to a walking pênis such as himself.
i have also come to another conclusion. about that kiss. that kiss that he and i shared at jaime's house. the biggest mistake i have ever made. worse than turning down earth science a year early, worse than ignoring all my instincts in the past. nothing can compete for the Crown Of Fûck-Ups against that kiss. it's in the bag. i am ashamed of myself for being so naive and blind. i should have waited for someone better. i should have waited to share such a special moment with someone who mattered. tom doesn't matter. he's just a sêx-driven loser that i once found refreshing and adorable. but now i replaced those admirable feelings toward him with severe disgust and aversion.
when he approaches me this year for the first time...i'm not going to explain it to him. i'm not going to give him excuses to avoid his feelings being hurt. though my awareness for human emotion is indeed bold and explanatory... oh but nonetheless, i'm just simply going to give him the bracelet back and call it a day. if he demands explication, i'll give it to him short and brash: frankly, i'm just not willing to devote myself to a complete man sIut like him.
however, the bracelet was a nice accent. i like the way it looks on my wrist, now my right arm will be bare. oh well. things can be replaced.
that's the end of it. you won't hear anything about him from me any longer.
i've decided to put the ixnay on the Anglophilia movie script i was oh so passionately bound to. i'm thinking about something a little more realistic. a character i can relate to, not a bunch of seattle residents with perfect relationships and perfect lives. the characters i have conjured up in the past have always been based on a fantâsy of mine. they were how i wanted to end up, not how i am now. they were beautiful to society and successful in everything. the only problems in their way were the pre-made conflicts required for a story line. and that's just not the schtick i want people to see. i want them to see me. to see my pain, my joys, my priorities. not some super-fictional set of people in an artificial movie world. i want to depict the life that the Average Jane goes through.
and if i can't do that, i'll resort to some other plot. a Plan B. my current Plan B is much too detailed at the moment, i'll share it with you all as soon as i "vague" it up a little.
ta ta.
Colleen
 
Posted at 01:58 pm by crows_vein
Sunday, August 22, 2004
distracted
music: {default - "wasting my time"}
     
today wasn't special. watched ferris bueller's day off for. then after that i listened to wayne newton's "danke schoen" about fourty thousand times in a row. took a shower, got dressed. went into the city with my family. we were going to take a boat out to the statue of liberty, but the line was too effing long, so we just wandered around. grabbed some grub, and walked around more. mom and i wanted to go shopping but dad was too tired. we decided that she and i will come back alone, just me and her, to shop and wander the streets looking for stores. can't wait for that. i need money though, she wont spend her own 'cause she's too damned cheap.
going to go do whatever, read, watch tv, whatever i feel like doing. i'm too blah. bye.
Colleen
Posted at 07:11 pm by crows_vein
Friday, August 20, 2004
thy flower withered on the stem
thirsty
music: {sixpence none the richer - "kiss me"}
    
...There from thy daughter, sister, wife
At midnight drain the stream of life;
Yet loathe the banquet which perforce,
Must feed thy living livid corpse.
Thy victims are they yet expire,
Shall know the for their sire;
As cursing thee, though cursing them,
Thy flower withered on the stem.
Lord Byron, The Giaour
not much has happened. yesterday was my dad's birthday, we made plans to go out to olive garden as a family. but it turned out that he was much too lazy to go out, so we just stayed home. instead, mom and i went to the italian place by dots to get bring home a little bit of italy for him. while our food was getting ready, mom took me to G+G to get nav a birthday present. i got her a nice little pink sweater-blouse-thing, something i'd never wear. then mom insisted on getting me something for her party. i wasn't in the mood to try on clothes, i rarely am. especially the clothes that she picks out. she tries so fûcking hard to make me normal. she forced me to try on this little black frilly number. i don't know wtf it was. she loved it on me, and i have to say it looked okay on me. but still, it wasn't something i would wear in public. if it doesn't have sleeves, and if i cant wear a sweater over it, then there's no effing way i'm leaving the house with it on. i don't care how "pretty" my mom says it looks, it's not comfortable. if i can't lounge in it, i'll never wear it.
so to compensate for my lack of the black frilly thing, she decided to buy me a few different things i would wear in front of people. a long black sweater/robe thing. itchy, but i can deal. and some kind of...white spaghetti strap with lace on the top. the lace is a little...extreme. i don't like it much, but i'll wear it to please her. then she got me perfume. it smells like mens cologne, so therefore, i love it. she liked it too, oddly enough, because she's always angry when ever i spray cologne on myself at the mall.... so it's a comforting smell, shut up. x_x
we went home, ate dinner, and dad and i watched Taking Lives. that angelina jolie and ethan hawke flick. ehhh... it was good. didn't make sense at times, but what can ya do? ethan hawke is annoying, but i love angelina jolie, so i was okay.
was it wrong for me to start liking ethan hawke after his character decapitated that old woman?
today isn't a big day either. i just finished watching QE. i love that show ;) i laughed, i cried, i pledged never-dying love to carson and kyan... ;x
well i'm going to go do my yoga. haven't done it in forever, i feel i'm not as limber as i once was. heh, i sound like the cliché version of a grandmother. later days.
Colleen
Posted at 03:20 pm by crows_vein
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
can't be in a sorority if you have balls
No Mood
No Music
  
today i mowed the lawn, front and back and both sides. very tired...very beat. i watched sorority boys. omfg, very funny. i loved it. laughed my ass off so many times. kudos to the director. going to go read something. but while i'm gone, take this survey, if you think you know enough about me. the only person i know in reality that reads my journal is brittykins...so chances are she'll be the only one filling it out. but...i don't know. britt...just give my blog address to some random people that i know and that you know if you feel like. it'd be cool. love ya.
First memory of me?:
Most recent memory of me?:
Most recent memory of me?:
What are some of my favorite articles of clothing?:
Name some things I like:
Name some things I don't like:
What is my best qualities/things I can do:
what is the my weirdest quality/thing I can do:
How would you describe me to a stranger?:
Anyone/anything I remind you of?:
My favorite store?:
What am I going to do with my life?:
Name something I own.:
If I were to break the law, what would it be?:
If I were to break the law, what would it be?:
Name someone who's had a crush on me:
What's my best physical feature?:
My worst subject in school?:
Some of my favorite colors?:
Name some of my other friends:
Name some of my LEAST favorite bands:
My favorite famous people?:
My worst fear?:
My biggest dream/want/need?:
Name someone I've had a crush on:
What do I do in my spare time?:
is it ridiculous?:
Name some ways we're the same:
Name some ways we are different:
Why are you my friend?:
Nicknames, jokes to reference to?:
Colleen
Posted at 08:06 pm by crows_vein
Monday, August 16, 2004
lonely
music: {taking back sunday - "a decade under the influence"}
  
i stole this survey thing from my Iesbian lover, brittykins. those of you out there who read my journal periodically, and think you know me well enough, fill out this survey on what you think about me and leave it in the comments section. it'll make me feel special, and i need that feeling right now. later days.
If I were a month, I'd be:
If I were a day of the week, I'd be:
If I were a time of day, I'd be:
If I were a planet, I'd be:
If I were a sea animal, I'd be:
If I were a direction, I'd be:
If I were a piece of furniture, I'd be:
If I were a sin, I'd be:
If I were a historical figure, I'd be:
If I were a liquid, I'd be:
If I were a tree, I'd be:
If I were a bird, I'd be:
If I were a tool, I'd be:
If I were a flower/plant, I'd be:
If I were a kind of weather, I'd be:
If I were a mythical creature, I'd be:
If I were a musical instrument, I'd be:
If I were an animal, I'd be:
If I were a color, I'd be:
If I were an emotion, I'd be:
If I were a vegetable, I'd be:
If I were a sound, I'd be:
If I were an element, I'd be:
If I were a car, I'd be:
If I were a song, I'd be:
If I were a movie, I'd be:
If I were a book, I'd be:
If I were a food, I'd be:
If I were a place, I'd be:
If I were a material, I'd be:
If I were a taste, I'd be:
If I were a scent, I'd be:
If I were a religion, I'd be:
If I were a word, I'd be:
If I were an object, I'd be:
If I were a body part, I'd be:
If I were a facial expression, I'd be:
If I were a subject in school, I'd be:
If I were a cartoon character, I'd be:
If I were a shape, I'd be:
If I were a number, I'd be:
If I were a TV show I'd be:
If I were a hobby I'd be:
Posted at 02:42 pm by crows_vein
Sunday, August 15, 2004
disappointed
music: {the killers - "somebody told me" acoustic version}
     
just got back from the little "vacation." well... it sucked. majorly. we didn't go out of state like i thought we were going to. we went to lake george, which is like... 4 or 5 hours away. not a good road trip. my headphones decided to not work. so i was stuck listening to my dad's oldies station. which normally wouldnt have bothered me. i love the oldies. i was just in a really bad mood because my headphones were disfunctional. i was deprived of my placebo...
then the traffic was growing. it was so crowded. everyone was going to the lake george region. my dad couldnt figure out why it was so jammed. all the hotels were booked, all of them. it was weird.
there were a few hotels that had spare rooms, but they were too expensive for my dad. either he's horrendously cheap... or we're horrendously broke.
so finally, at 3.30 in the morning, after 8 hours of looking, we found a cheap hotel. Superlodge. or something with the word "super" in it.
we got in...claimed our beds...changed into jammies... and fell asleep. i couldnt sleep. i have a thing about sleeping in a public resting area. i dont like it. its not comforting knowing that so many people sleep in the same bed before you do. i stayed up and just stared at the wall and counted my little sister's breaths.
so the next morning, we went to some breakfast buffet and ate. then we went into town and did some shopping. i didnt want the parentals to get me anything, so i just got a ginger ale and that is all. mom got some cowboy hick hat... moira got a o or something. but i was keen on my ginger ale.
we went to wallgreens and dad bought me a new pair of headphones, unbeknownst to me. i didn't mind. i was a little grateful, but i detest it when he buys things for me. mainly because mom always thinks that i ask for them. but i never ask for anything... never. i'm not a materialistic kind of person. there are more important things in life the souvenirs. but alas, she assumes the worst, all the time.
then we went to some RV shop, looked at camping crap and RV trailers. cool stuff.
we went underneath a bridge and put our feet in the river. moira fell in. t'was very amusing, but for the sake of my well-being, i refrained from laughing. some people were river tubing, if you've ever heard of that, and i just watched the old women scream and fidget at the cold touch of the water.
then we left and just drove around... went back to the hotel. went in the pool. played in the game room. blah blah.
we ordered pizza and chinese food, ate, and watched HBO. SWAT, League of Extraordinary Gentelmen, Speed, and Speed 2. moira took a fancy to the League of E. Gentlemen. then she and mom fell asleep when Speed started. so dad and i stayed up to watch that. i liked keanu reeves, and still do a tid bit. but eh...i didn't like him in the matrix bunch. or at least the last two.
my arms were throbbing from the swimming. i swam free style earlier, and was really intense and into it... i guess i just pinched a nerve or something because i was crying at the pain. they still hurt, but not as much.
eh... going to go read my book, bye bye meh lovers.
comment question of the day:
if you were mysteriously given 3 wishes, any 3 wishes you could think of, what would they be?
i'm not going to answer this time, because, honestly, i have no answer.
Colleen
 
Posted at 04:52 pm by crows_vein
Friday, August 13, 2004
hey there everybody. i'm going out west with my family for a vacation for a few days. we're gonna stay in a hotel and just hang out in some other state. wont be back til... hmm... maybe monday or tuesday. see you all later. love you.
Colleen
Posted at 03:33 pm by crows_vein
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
afraid to see that you're alone
at peace
music: {something corporate - "konstantine"}
      
just spent about two hours lying down outside in the hammock with moira. it was peaceful, we talked about stuff. quality sister moment. i do indeed cherish her more than the average eye may perceive. she's a pain in my ass, a finger in my eye, a nail in my palm, a thorn in my paw, barbed wire around my neck... but she's my tôrture device, and only mine.
last night we watched hidalgo. it was pretty good, save the fact that there was so much ruckus in the background...i couldnt make out any of the dialogue. but otherwise, t'was a good flick.
today i also watched joy ride. ha. paul walker... nice ass ;x
agh, i'm bored. what to do...what to do...
i'm going to go watch friends. later days, you blôod lûsting savages ;)
Colleen
Posted at 08:12 pm by crows_vein
Monday, August 09, 2004
anxious
music: {malice mizer - "beast of bloôd}
No fear, no sadness
Lofty life is tasting loneliness and eternity
And near by the target with no more life
Red drops on my greedy lips
Falls down on the freezing ground
Get down limitless night
Beast of bloôd...
    
i'm so bored. i need something to do. i need to see people. mom says i should do something with kate. but i don't want to. i don't know why, it just seems like kate has been my only source of fun this summer. i want variety, diversity, i need some other people. i'm awaiting nav's invitation in the mail, because if i go to her party i get to see carolyn, brittany t, diandra, and jessica. a recipe for madness ('',) plus... it's just effing great to get letters in the mail. doesn't it just spiff your boots?
anywho, there's a big possibility that we're going on a family camping adventure next weekend. i'm hoping to meet some interesting humanoids. i have this little fantasy... the parentals and younger sibling go off on a nature hike, i stick at the campsite to read my book... and some neighboring campers come for a heartfelt visit. whee. i watch too much television...
i've never been so eager to meet new people. i've always been the one that shuns social intros with the fellow race, but gosh, i am seriously losing it. i see the same people every fûcking day. mom. moira. dad. mom. moira. dad. mom. moira. dad. ...sometimes not in that order.
we went for a walk last night around sun-down, it felt good... getting out from behind the walls holding me in quarantine, taking a stroll down the private streets. passing the local elementary school yard. some people playing stick-ball and screaming random obscênities... nothing warms the heart more.
i was never so happy to see interaction between humanity, but i'm at a desperate level.
i'm sick and tired of the day to day routine i've gotten myself lodged into. i need some freshness. something to spunk up my day. i need new people, because i'm already starting to finish my mother's sentences. and you know you've had enough of your family when you begin to conclude their thoughts.
ugh... besides the fact that i have yet to succeed in my summer reading assignment, i'm looking forward to the new school year. hoping to see a couple of in-coming freshmen that i've had the pleasure of knowing in junior high. it'd be an intriguing experience. they're.. kind of not my type of people though. they're into the whole...r&b/pop wave that hit the world. hopefully their interest in sean paul and britney spears and a crowd like that is nothing but a phase, it being the horrid phase that it is. ick.
going to go clean something. ta ta.
Colleen
Posted at 01:38 pm by crows_vein
|
|
|
