I'm Creatively Disturbed.
whee.

I AM COLLEEN.

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I'm Colleen.

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Saturday, September 04, 2004
many shades of paradox


I am looking for a reason to keep treading, for a lost cause to cling to.


I am profoundly lost in this absurdity called life, following the dying gleam they call fate.

Won't someone come save me?


Colleen

Posted at 08:30 pm by crows_vein
Charmed or frightened?  

fault lines should be worn with pride + edit

Bartleby: The Rededication is in four days.

Loki: Our last four days on earth. If I had a dîck, I'd go get laid. But we can do the next best thing.

Bartleby: What's that?

Loki: ...Let's kill people.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  

hello, there. how is life treating all of you? that's nice. good to hear it.

school starts in a couple of days. this wednesday. very anxious. and yet i'm also dreading it. but, hey. doesn't everyone have the pre-school jitters?

the only ones that don't get nervous before school starts, are the soon-to-be kindergarteners. only because they don't know better than to look forward to it with every ounce of energy in their possession. oh how i envy them. how i long to be five again.

i might, MIGHT, go to brittany's house tomorrow. if she calls me. and if my mom says yes. if i am allowed, we just might take a little walk to stop & shop. she's planning on giving mike his stuff back. yes, they broke up. it makes me sad, but it's for the best.

anywho, part of me wants to go to stop & shop, just 'cause it's a crazy-cool store. but the other part of me, the one with common sense, says that it's a bad idea. i don't think i want to see tom. i want to avoid seeing him as much as possible.

i don't know. maybe it's a good idea. maybe i should go, and just let him see that the whole thing between us was merely a fling, and only that. yes. that's right. i'll walk in there with my head held high and show him i'm not effected. and then... run to the dairy section and read the ingredient labels on the yogurt thingies.

so i'm chicken shît. there's nothing wrong with that.

well. i'm still not sure about what's going to happen. we'll just have to wait and see.

and brittany is right. we need new love interests. we should just point out random guys and stalk them. we're sneaky enough. or maybe...i can develop an unhealthy obsession with brian molko. craig nicholls? jason lee? brandon boyd?

my older sister, vanessa, called me last night. we talked about random things. she cleared a few things up that were all foggy in my brain. i've established the idea to not give tom his bracelet back just yet. it's too much of a slap in the face. even though he might not give a rat's ass whether i keep it or not, i'll just stow it away in my locker, saving it for when he asks for it.

oh guess what!! vincent's speaking clearly now. i'm so proud. {vincent is vanessa's 2 yr old - almost 3 - son} she put him on the phone with me and he said "Hi, Tia Colleen!" isn't that spectacular? he sound so cute, and we've been so worried that he wouldn't learn how to talk the right way, and now we've been proven wong. i cried. shut up, i'm allowed to cry. and then he sang to me. his favorite song. "Maps" by The Yeah Yeah Yeahs. kids got spiffy taste, does he not? he also sang me "The Reason" by Hoobastank. i think i've had a good influence on this kid. now all i need to do is get him to take guitar lessons and pierce his lip when he's older, and i'm set. ;)

blah. i smell. i need to take a shower. but i'm babysitting moira.

[+EDIT]

i just went up to little east neck road. grabbed a snapple from CVS and walked back home. i liked being on my own, alone for a while. t'was good. i was going to invite kate to come along with me, but it turns out she was at kayla's house, so no cigar. i went by myself, and i think i had a good time. going to try to go tomorrow, if i don't go to britt's house. which is a good chance i wont, because she hasn't called yet and my mother wouldnt let me if she did. maybe i'll drop by a deli or something. mom says there's a cute little stationary store a trifle farther, just might check that out.

alright, well i'm spent. going to go try and add stuff to my script. ta.

Colleen




Posted at 07:36 pm by crows_vein
Only (1) found me charming.  

Friday, September 03, 2004
happiness is avoiding me?


depressed

music: {violent delight - "same old story"} <~ spiffy song, check it out.




well... i just have to say yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes to the question that i've been asking myself my entire life. {note to all those older sons of bitches who complain about teenagers sharing their melodrama online; this is one of those theatrical moments. beware.}
what question am i talking about?
"Is happiness avoiding me?"
and yes. it is.
oh yea, i'm a joyous person from time to time. my life isn't miserable, not enough hell to get on law & order, let me tell you. i've got a roof over my head. i'm fed every day. my parents don't beat me. i've got friends, i love them. there are some people out there that appreciate my existence. but still, life could be better. everyone's life, no matter how perfect it is, could be improved at least a tidbit. i need that certain tidbit. i just haven't found it yet.
this whole tom situation is really starting to PlSS me off. i'm not mad at him. i'm not mad at anybody. just the fact that i'm horrendously indecisive is a bother.
well. my lover told me that she might think he's taken. {i'm starting hope it's true} and that i shouldn't be surprised that he didn't wait around. i'm not. not at all surprised. that just makes it easier for me. i can give him back his bracelet guilt free. without the constant haunting of what could have been, without looking back and thinking "did i do the right thing?" but i feel i'm going to have a hard time letting go, because i really don't think i'll have someone show interest me anytime soon. and that's quite discouraging.
what am i blabbering about?
i'm just... going to go... do whatever. yoga or something. maybe even use mom's new mini punching bag thing. pacifists need to let out some anger once in a while.

Colleen




Scroll down and read the portion of my movie script.

Posted at 04:57 pm by crows_vein
Only (3) found me charming.  

Thursday, September 02, 2004
a little piece of me

mood: peachy

music: {ghost of the robot - "vehicles shock me"} <~actually quite a good song...

yea, here's a piece. enjoy.

this is actually a full scene, so whee. READ THIS PLEASE. thank you ;)



INT. – HOTEL BEDROOM – DAY (Before the incident)

 

Light breaks into the room from behind closed curtains, and Drew stirs in bed. Someone is seated next to her, awaiting her arousal. (Not that kind of arousal, you dirty, dirty, child.)

Her eyes open slowly, take in the view of the person next to her, and then shut. Without reopening them, she speaks.

 

      DREW

      (Groggily)

      Danielle, what the hell are you doing in my hotel room?

 

DANIELLE holds up a cupcake with a single lit candle stabbed into the center, and begins to sing the Birthday Song. After she is finished, she returns to her normal voice.

 

      DANIELLE

      Happy sixteenth, Drew-ness. Come on, sit up and blow the candle out.

     

      DREW

      (Eyes still fastened)

      How did you get in here without a key?

 

      DANIELLE

      (Anxious)

      I flirted with a bell-boy and got him to let me in.

      (Bouncing in her seat)

      Come on, come on, now make a wish and blow the candle out before the whole thing catches fire.

 

Drew unwillingly rises from her sheets, hair going out in all directions, and takes a look at the cupcake, questioning its origin.

 

      DREW

      Dani, that’s a cupcake from the batch they were giving out free in the entrance       hall yesterday.

 

      DANIELLE

      (Still enthusiastic)

      So? It’s still a cupcake, it’s still your birthday, and you’ve still got to blow    the candle out. Come-fûcking-on, you pain in the ass, make a wish.

 

DREW

(Sardonically)

Well, when you put it like that, who am I to oppose?

 

She hunkers down, closes her eyes for a brief moment in deep thought, opens them, and blows out the flame that was atop the half-melted candle.

 

DANIELLE

What did you wish for?

 

DREW

Now, Danielle Melissa Harrison, if I told you what I wished for it wouldn’t   come true, would it?

 

DANIELLE

(Rolls eyes)

Don’t give me that, you of all people shouldn’t believe that shiit-drenched myth       that society feeds us.

(Sneaks a few finger dips of icing)

They make it sound as if the wish would come true in the first place. And you       and I both know better than to be so naïve.

 

DREW

(Shows discomfort; rubs eyes in fatigue)

God, woman, quit running your mouth, it’s too fûcking early for me to be       listening.

 

Drew pulls the sheets off of herself and gets out of bed, revealing her sleep-attire; a white spaghetti strap and a pair of simple white underwear.

 

      DANIELLE

      Then tell me what you wished for, you big pansy-ass wench.

 

Drew shrugs her shoulders and holds them in suspension.

 

      DREW

      Stop your probing. And name-calling wont get you jack shiit. Why do you want to know, anyway?

      (Pause; no answer from Danielle, just a blank gaze)

      Fine, if you’re so damned curious-

      (Beat; drops her shoulders)

      I wished for a happy ending.

 

Danielle’s gaze drops to a frown, and she gets up from her place on the bed, wanders over to her life-long friend and takes her in a cordial embrace.

 

      DANIELLE

      (Into her ear)

      You’ll have it. Eventually.

      (Beat)

      Now stop being a depressed little blob, it’s your fûcking birthday. Get wacky,      get wild. Get wasted.

      (Lets her go)

      Don’t forget we’re meeting the crew for bagels and cappuccinos. They’ve all got     you a gift. Plus, Curtis says he wrote you a song on his new acoustic.

 

      DREW

      (Throws her head back)

      God, Curtis has to stop trying.

 

      DANIELLE

      Yea, . He doesn’t have to stop trying; you have to stop rejecting him.

 

Drew saunters over to the window and pushes the curtains to the side and looks out at the fading light.

 

      DREW

      (Sighs)

      No, I’m just not interested.

 

DANIELLE

The fûck you aren’t. You’ve been interested since the third grade. And he’s a       good guy, unlike every other walking pênis you’ll find in our school.

 

DREW

(After a brief giggle)

Well, I just don’t like him anymore.

 

DANIELLE

Yea, as if I’d believe that.

(Beat)

It’s not that you’ve lost interest in him. You’re just discouraged and upset with your parents’ split-up. You’ve been like this for two God damn weeks.

(Takes hold of her shoulders)

It’s your birthday. Act like it. And act like the Drew that I knew before all       this drama happened. I’m starting to miss her; we’re all starting to miss her.

 

Drew turns around and smiles at Danielle. Danielle takes hold of her cheek and gives her a gentle and encouraging smack.

 

      DANIELLE

      (Off pajamas)

      Now go put some real clothes on.

      (Beat)

      You’re driving the lêsbian inside me crazy with that outfit.

      (Winks)

 

Drew laughs, grabs some clothes from off the chair, and runs into the bathroom. While she is dressing, Danielle snacks on the cupcake’s icing.

 

Drew exits the bathroom fully clothed, es her side-bag, and absconds the bedroom with her friend at her side, leaving the cupcake behind.

 

They go into the living room of the hotel suite, and Drew walks off toward another room in front of her.

 

      DANIELLE

      What are you doing?

 

      DREW

      (Looking O.S.)

      I’ve got to check on my mom.

 

      DANIELLE

      Is she still catatonic?

 

      DREW

      (Turns the door knob)

      We’ll see.

 

They enter into the room to see Drew’s mother, MRS. DUNVILLE, seated at the foot of her already-made bed. It looks untouched, almost as if she hadn’t gone to sleep at all. She was staring into a void, hands entwined and resting on her lap.

 

      DREW

      Mom?

      (Caringly)

      I’m going out for some breakfast with Danielle and the rest; do you want me to       bring you back a bagel or some coffee?

 

No sound from her mother.

 

      DANIELLE

      (Jokingly)

      Can I pick you up some Pall Malls and côndoms, Mrs. D? Textured or flavored?

 

As she says this, Drew throws a playful smack her way onto her abdomen, Danielle is laughing while she crouches over in hilarity. There is still no answer from Mrs. Dunville, just silence.

 

Danielle looks at Drew, perplexed, and hops in front of her doing a “Happy Dance.”

 

      DANIELLE

      Hey come on, Mrs. D.

      (Beat)

      It’s Drew’s birthday. Let’s boogie!

      (Does the twist; turns back to her; stops)

      Alright, fine. Be a stiff.

 

Drew looks at Danielle disapprovingly and shakes her head in disappointment. Danielle shrugs and leaves the room. As she exits, she speaks.

 

      DANIELLE

      (To Drew)

      I’m gonna go have a cigarette; I’ll meet you outside in front of the building.

 

Drew walks over to her mother and notices that she is dressed in the same clothes she wore yesterday. She pushes a clump of hair out of her still face and places it behind her cold ear. She pulls a brush from the cosmetics bag on the side and starts to comb her hair gently. 

 

      DREW

      (While brushing)

      We’re going to end up fine, ma.

 

When she is finished she puts down the brush and ambles on over to the window to open up the curtains, and continues to speak.

 

      DREW

      It’s all going to be okay. We’ll get through this.

      (Pause)

      I’m going out; I’ll probably be back in an hour with some breakfast for you.

      (Beat)

      Until then, we’re on the top floor, look at that view. It’s beautiful isn’t it?

 

She returns to her mother and gives her a tender kiss on the cheek.

 

      DREW

      I love you, ma.

 

She leaves her mother and walks out of the room, shutting the door.

 

A tear falls from Mrs. Dunville’s eye, and pursues down her cheek.

 

      MRS. DUNVILLE

      (In a whisper)

      I love you too.



Please tell me what you think, I would love some feedback. Thank you.

Posted at 12:18 pm by crows_vein
Only (3) found me charming.  

Wednesday, September 01, 2004
wowness

music: {boy sets fire - "rookie"}



i got my school information today in the mail. locker number and combo, and my advisory class. it's the same stuff as last year. same locker, same combination, and same advisory. great, not much of a change, no problems. woohoo!
and i'm absolutely extatic. do you know why? because i'm on a roll with my script. i'm loving it, i'm reading it over and over, and i think it's great. at least for my first try, you know? i can't wait to finish it. and have all my friends read it. whee!
i'm going to post a piece of it in here later.
anywho, i'm going to go work on it. ta ta.

Colleen

Posted at 02:38 pm by crows_vein
Charmed or frightened?  

Tuesday, August 31, 2004
nothing new this year

well. this year is going to be interesting. my mother had just informed me that she's not going to buy me any new clothes for the new school year. personally, i don't care. it's the reason she gave me that bothers me. "you have a bunch of clothes in the closet that you never wear." yes. okay. true. but that never bothered her before. evidently, my parents are in a financial slump. in need of saving money for my mother's emergency trip to mexico. (to nurse my cancerous grandmother to health) today i caught my mother on the phone asking our landlord for a stretch on this month's rent. i'm not yet sure whether the permission was granted.
well. fine. i'm glad she's putting the money to use, rather than buying cowboy boots and gucci bags from catalogues every damned day. (she's awaiting the boots in the mail)
i don't mind sticking with the same clothes. i don't care. i can improvise. i can make it work. i've made it work before. i have to admit though, that i tend to wear the same thing everyday. teehee.
anywho, i can't wait for the school year to start. i'm not anticipating the problem with tom, or the summer reading assignments due the first day. i just need to see my friends, see my new teachers. basically i just want to get the fûck away from my family.

Colleen

Posted at 09:52 pm by crows_vein
Charmed or frightened?  

touch me with cold hands

No mood right now

Music: {Dimmu Borgir - "Puritania"}

what to do. what to do. well. i'm just going to have to see what happens when school starts. i loath making big deals of things when they haven't even happened yet. i haven't seen tom in months, and i'm already placing him under the Walking Dick catagory. maybe he is one. actually, i'm pretty sure he is.
am i really afraid? should i really give tom a chance?

yes, i'm afraid. and no, i should not.

i need my brittany. she hasn't been around lately on the computer, and i'm suffering from withdrawal. she usually helps me out with things, and i need her more than ever.

maybe i'll just give him a chance. learn from my own fûck ups. sure, he might try to get me in bed. but it's not like he's going to succeed. sure he might cheat on me, but it's not like it'd be a surprise. and most definitely, he'd dump me. but hell, rejection isn't new to me.

...and just for the record, i'm content with being a child in the forest.


Colleen


Posted at 01:19 pm by crows_vein
Charmed or frightened?  

Monday, August 30, 2004
interference on a light note

why. why are teenagers plagued with such a need for drama?

why am i plagued with a conscience?

i made a choice before. and now i'm rethinking it over. well mother fruiting son of a peach, wtf am i supposed to do? take a chance with happiness? or let the possible joy pass me by? i hope all of you know that eternal misery is a potential result of this short-term happiness. should that affect my decision?

god. i don't trust my own mind. and when i'm actually willing to, it's being indecisive. should i end this thing before it starts with tom? or see how it plays out?

hmm.. you tell me.

Colleen


Posted at 10:53 pm by crows_vein
Only (2) found me charming.  

Sunday, August 29, 2004
that sounds dirty doesn't it?


pretty crappy (red dot week, going to be pretty crappy for the next 7 days)

music: {incubus - "nice to know you"}






i changed the title of my blog from "The Crow's Vein" to "Tickle My Fancy" and now that i think about it, it sounds a little dirty doesn't it? oh well, it wasn't an intentional obscênity.
anywho, yesterday was nav's party thing. t'was very cool. we ate pizza and some fries, then we went to walk along the beach. it was a long walk to the shore, let me tell you. then kayla, nav, and carolyn put their feet in the water. amber, jess, amanda and i decided to stay dry. then we decided to take some pictures of old hairy men, and some group pictures of ourselves. (not with the hairy men, mind you) then we walked back. kayla ran all the way ahead, all lonesome, i tried to run to catch up with her but when i was half way there i tripped and fell. i sat in the sand for a while, and the only person that showed some concern was carolyn. i heart her, she's so very unique. one of the greatest people to be around.
so when we reached the boardwalk, we put our shoes back on and lost kayla. we found her and wandered around. went to the restroom, i had a strong urge to e but the stalls were filthy. i have a thing about public bathrooms. ick, especially ones as disgusting and crowded as that one. we went out to search for kayla again and nav's mom. we found them, and just wandered around some more. nav opened her presents, she liked my gift. (but today online i found out that it doesn't fit her. it turns out that she's a small, not an extra-small. oops for me.) then after several hours of loitering, we played miniature . and then had some ice cream. yum. then my dad picked me up on the motorcycle. i was a little scared because it was dark, and i detest riding on it in the dark. just a trifle freaky.

yea so yesterday was pretty awesome. nav's mom is super.

today the parentals went to some motorcycle ride out in lindenhurst. i stayed home with moira. we watched jurassic park 3, jumanji, and johnny english. (today was J, and tomorrow we'll watch movies that start with the letter K, lol)
parents came home from the ride. we finished watching johnny english with dad, and i went to go read my book outside. moira wouldn't leave me alone. i was with her all day, and i'm surprised she isn't sick of me. she's one of the only people that can tolerate my presence for more than 8 hours (and she's 5). kudos to her.

bored and tired. off to go watch some tv. maybe something interesting is on. i'd be shocked.

Colleen

Visit icons_4ever's Xanga Site!

Posted at 08:55 pm by crows_vein
Charmed or frightened?  

Saturday, August 28, 2004
i've got it!



i have got it. how good am i...muahaha... anywho. i've decided on how to make rhamsy die (if you have no idea what i'm talking about, scroll down and read my past entry, i don't want you to think of me as a homicidal lunatic. even though that is what i am underneath this timid shell of mine...)

drew's father won't be killed in a car crash. he'll cheat on his wife and abandon his family and then her mom will jump off the building. muahaha. so that makes room for one traffic incident. rhamsy's. he'll be the one that takes a fall off the side of a cliff in his car. this is fabulous. i've never been so happy over pre-organized dêath. i feel evil ;x

so anyways, today is nav's party. and it just so happens that my father has decided that he'll take me there on his motorcycle. pretty excited about it. i havent been on his bike in a long time. i'm just afraid that my ass'll hurt when i get there. it's at jones beach and that's pretty far away. maybe i'll tie a pillow to my ass...hmm...

oh well, going to go get ready. later, youngsters.

Colleen
 
note to internetcombers: don't snag this icon. thank you.

Posted at 04:03 pm by crows_vein
Only (1) found me charming.  

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