I AM COLLEEN.
I'm Colleen.
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Monday, September 13, 2004
don't be angry with me, people. but i've come to the conclusion that i still like tom. not as much as before, but it still counts as something.
i deserve to be taken out into the street and beaten with a bat...
Colleen
Posted at 07:37 pm by crows_vein
Saturday, September 11, 2004
A simple world is hard to maintain, it all unravels into a perplexity eventually.
Her time came sooner than one could imagine. She is torn into two directions, both sides pulling her in.
Whether to live in agonizing hatred or to throw the burden off her shoulders, she cannot decide.
Is she digging her own grave, writing her own eulogy... carving her own name?
Why can she not let this go... let the pain just fade away? The more tears she cries, the more her face looks like a painting. Reds, blues, hues of self inflicted anguish.
Nothing better to do but to sob. Wash the sting away. Sobbing will not get her anywhere, it will give her nothing. Nothing but a damp grave.
She is burying herself alive... but no one goes to her funeral.
Posted at 10:46 pm by crows_vein
machines never looked so provokative
1969 Camaro
Found this picture online. Looking for a 1969 LeMans. Got this instead.
Doesn't this car just scream "fûck me"?
For a real entry, scroll down.
Posted at 12:24 pm by crows_vein
blank
music: {ozzy - "crazy train"}
    
yesterday wasn't as superb as the day before.
had study hall with brittany (my lover), christina, steveness, colleen l., and jackie. mike was there too, and brittany felt kind of strange with him at the table. so did i, because i wanted to talk to him. just to say hi, you know. even though he shattered my best friend's heart into a trillion pieces, he's worth a few minutes of small talk, if any.
you know, the deal with mike... it's weirding me out. because i really am tempted to hâte him. after all the drama and agony and pain and suffering he put brittany through. but i just cant seem to pull it off. does that make me a bad person?
yesterday at lunch... well, adam transferred, he is no longer there. son of a bitch... he stuck me with tom. i love tom, don't get me wrong, but i find it strange being there with him. he's talking to sara and other people at the table. i dont talk to sara often, she's much too superior, so i was just standing their silently.
then mike, eric, and steve came into the cafeteria. supposed to be in the LGI for study hall, rebellious children they be. i was very relieved to see them however. because i was highly bored and feeling a tidbit odd with no one to talk to. so i tackled them all, screaming for them not to leave again because i was so tired of being alone. (for once)
eric isn't that bad of a person. he's quite a spiffy fellow. definitely entertaining, i must say.
so yes, it was a circle of tom, mike, eric, and me. me being the only femme and the shortest. samantha, tom's awesomely awesome younger sister, entered the circle a few times, so it wasn't all that bad.
it was interesting. not boring, at all.
i was sitting in a chair, and i spilt snapple on my lap. i just watched it drip...that's all. i was too lazy to react quickly. so when it finished falling onto my thigh, i got up without a word and stole like a thousand napkins from the lunch line. the cashier lady bitched at me. see this is why i detest sitting down. bad shît always happens.
yea so when we were in the circle, it was silent for a while. then here came this.
Mike: (To me) You should get a lip ring.
Me: I want one. On my upper lip.
Mike: If you get a lip ring, I would so râpe you.
i didn't have anything to say to that, so i just ignored it as politely as i could. it was a trifle unnecessary, i was shocked. even tom was a little surprised. i looked over at him and saw his eyes briefly widen. i know mike was kidding, and so did tom, but still... that's not something i want to hear from someboday. from my bestfriend's ex, no less.
tom invited me to a halloween party he's having on the 23rd of october. 8 days before the actual holiday, but he's got a good reason. samantha is making her confirmation on the 31st. plus, it was his parents' idea. i want to go, because i love anything that involves halloween, and i want to see my friends. and yet, i don't want to go. i don't know why. i guess its a conscience thing. *shrug*
i'm tired and bored. i have to...go do something productive. ta ta.
Colleen
Posted at 11:59 am by crows_vein
Thursday, September 09, 2004
depression sprung from sheer joy?
confused
music: none right now.
alright. alright...lets get down to business here, bitches. no icons, no nice little poetry pieces, nothing.
i started school yesterday. it was the best day of my entire life. so far. and trust me, i've had some pretty damn good days in my time. this...this however...takes the mother fûcking cake. not only the cake..the whole god damn bakery.
i saw all my friends. brittykins! my lover, i love you very much. we've got about 4 classes together. math, bio, bio lab/gym/study hall, and global. super spiffy.
now...hm...i was worried about the tom thing. the tom thing...the tom situation, the tom issue...the tom problem. the trouble with tom. well, what can i say? i saw him yesterday morning in the cafateria, and it felt as if we never kissed. when i gave him a hello hug, there wasn't emotional love/Iust behind it. it was like hugging a friend that i havent seen in a few months. it was great. i was just so happy that there was no tension between us.
lunch...lunch...lunch isnt bad. (im into repeating right now, wired on coffee) yesterday it was just me, adam, and tom. britt and everybody else have either lunch a different period, or have dropped it for another elective. so yea, it was just the three of us.
i've never been that close to adam. only spoke to him at melissa's party and a couple times in the halls since then. but yesterday we became pals. he's a sweetie. ariel better treat him nice ;D
i'm very comfortable with tom. i cant explain it...he...he's like one of my best friends now. he's still touchy feely, but i've established that its merely his character. he's not showing interest in me. he's just a flirty hands-on kind of fellow. i'm not into touching. hugging yes...but he touches my face a lot, and i have a weird thing about people touching my face. i dont like it, i spaz out when they do so. then he kept touching my stomach, poking me a lot. i was going to kick him in the nads, but i'm a gentle pacifist. i would never forgive myself for bringing physical pain onto another human being. its fun to watch though...just not to do.
so yes, tom is merely a great and close friend. i have feelings for him yes, but they're dying down. they're realizing their waywardness. and the affection that i once felt for him has turned into a friendly emotion. i love him yes, but i love him like i love brittany. not like i love brian molko ;)
today was great. today topped yesterday. lunch was especially good. i made some new buds. tom's sister. samantha. she's very nice, absolutely sweet. and a freshman. then sal (ambers brother, who is now a freshman too) came to join our little group, because his friends arent in his lunch. so we formed a circle and played hacky sack. actually, i watched, everyone else played. DUDE tom sucks now. he didnt practice over the summer, and lol, now he's not as good as he was before. i remember last year...fûck, he kept on showing off with his hacky sack skills...now he's got nothing to show off. HAHA what goes up must come down. but i still love him. not the way i used to though. lets just make that clear. I AM OVER TOM.
so yea, lunch was a great time. i loved it, we all laughed. tom's sister is great, i have no idea how she can be related to him. i'm not saying tom is a bad person. he's a good friend. a great friend, actually, but nothing more than that.
and i'm worried. i'm very worried. my life is great right now. there is nothing wrong with it. i love all my teachers, i get to see all my friends. my schedule is super. nothing is wrong with it. my home life is getting better. still my mom is constantly complaining about my complexion and female flaw that N0Turs has commented on (no its not a birthmark. birtmarks are pie compared to this flaw). but i'm okay with it. there are a lot of things that should be bugging me right now, but they're not. and i'm scared. everything is so perfect, and i'm just worried that eventually it will all plummet to its doom. and i will be in a state of sadness forever....
i'm going to go take a shower. it'll help me think. bye.
Colleen
Posted at 07:31 pm by crows_vein
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Sick of my sighs being the only things i hear.
Tired of the world excluding me from its ignorant joy.
Irritated with the constant calling of insanity.
Hit me with your worst... I'll manage to get back up.
I think of pain as a privilege. It brings me the smiles I never once gained from comfort.
I don't need you to save me, to save me from myself... Your DISCORDANT motives have cut my strings.
I have fallen...but when I hit the ground...
I found your abandoned wings...
Posted at 07:19 pm by crows_vein
last day before the education begins
good
music: {idlewild - "you've lost your way"}
    
school starts tomorrow!!! should i be excited? well, i am, whether i should be or not. i can't wait to see my brittykins. i pray that i have some classes with her. because we had math together in the 8th grade, and that was just superbly spectacular.
i just did my nails. ick...why is black nail polish so thick and mucky? it could be the brand i'm using. NYC. but nevertheless... it's like i fûcking painted my nails with tar. holy christ... and it takes forever to dry. i'm still waiting for my toes to dry.
i need dark red nail polish. it's so purdy. i need a lot of things. mostly money, so i could buy all the stuff i need...but in order to have money, i have to either a: get a job, b: steal it, or c: ask the parentals. none of those choices work. the places i want to work don't hire fifteen-year-olds, i never get away with anything, and my parents are on a tight budget.
maybe i'll take start walking around airports with an empty soda can labelled "Donate to I-Need-A-Thicker-Wallet Fund."
oh, well, off to go groom myself. after these damn nails dry!
Colleen
Posted at 05:02 pm by crows_vein
Monday, September 06, 2004
my father works at a record label company. EMI. and every month he brings a big box of free CDs, considering they are dropping CDs and going to download-ables pretty soon. i was maging through the box, and found a cd by a band called "Idlewild." i put it in my stereo, and fell in love with it. especially track 2 "A film for the future."
i'm listening to it right now actually, track 12. "Low light."
this cd is now my favorite...that i own. i suggest you check them out. they're positively spiffy. ;)
ta ta.
Colleen
Posted at 07:00 pm by crows_vein
positively spifferous
music: {the get up kids - "martyr me"} <~quite a keen song ;)
well yesterday we went out to target to grab some necessities for my mom's trip. and she insisted on buying me new underwear. wasn't too excited about that.
but then...i was looking at the wall of unmentionables, and set eyes this lovely pair in particular. thick fabric, soft pink, brown boarder, and an english flag on the buttocks. HELL YES BABY! lol, i fell in love with them right there. super underoos! i love them. they express my unhealthy infatuation with the british. teehee.
i should start pulling my pants down in front of random strangers...
anywho, i've discovered that when my mother leaves, i'm going to play the part of the mommy for two weeks. feeling pretty good about that. i'm willing to see how i'd portray a mother. i do want to have kids when i get older. i know i can care for an infant and toddler. but a five year old i'm not sure. so this is my chance to see.
i re-posted the cemetary scene, because the ending was cut off. if you haven't read it yet, please scroll down and check it out. if you have read it, and missed the ending, check it out as well.
my time is spent. i need to go yogalize. ta ta.
Colleen
Posted at 02:18 pm by crows_vein
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