I AM COLLEEN.
I'm Colleen.
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Thursday, September 16, 2004
time wounds all heels + edit
mood: too many at a time, and not enough patience to post all of them.
music: {marilyn mansōn - "personal jesus"} <~beautiful song, even more beautiful vid.
    
i can totally picture myself being a house wife. is that a bad thing?
i like cleaning... i like washing the dishes while listening to iO music choices (alternative, baby). i like doing laundry, sorting through the clothes and folding them. i like fixing up meals for my dad and little sister, i like taking out the trash, getting the mail, cleaning up after moira. i happen to enjoy the idea of taking care of a family of my own... i'm so fūcking weird.
yesterday's lunch period was full of flashbacks. well, maybe just one in particular. but nonetheless, it was significant enough for it to make me want to run away and cry. i was really tired, and upset for a majority of the time, so i just huddled in my seat, all quiet and introverted... tom came around the table and sat next to me. he kept on asking what was wrong. god, it felt good just having him act concerned. then he tried cheering me up. by giving me another shoulder massage. that stupid son of a bitch... why did he have to go on and do that? it only made me feel worse. i don't like massages because i do like them. too much. i don't fancy feeling pleasure, its not normal for me. but my shoulders were hurting, and the touch of his hands really was comforting. you have no idea how much fūcking self control it took not to throw myself onto him. but, alas, i'm not that kind of person. sometimes i wish i was. just to see what its like. yea, so what, i always wonder what its like to be a sIut. not in good terms, however, i must say. oh wtf... i'm going to go take a nap. sleep is good. i took like 3 naps yesterday. didn't really help, but it still felt great.
so yes, after my short sleepy time, i have to go do some homework. make dad lunch. then clean up moira's room. and then off to go throw the clothes in the dryer. ta ta.
Colleen
[Edit]
i'm watching the breaking benjamin vid on window's media player. i'm going to cry. i'm sorry, it's just one of the most beautiful songs my ears have ever had the privilege to absorb. i listened to the CD's clips on samgoody.com and i've established that i really...really...really want it. i'm going to start taking donations so i can raise enough to buy it. i'm a loser, yes, i can't argue that. but come-fūcking-on. have you heard this song before?
the video makes me cry. it literally brings me to tears. for many reasons actually. you can see ben burnley's tongue ring is one of them... *quiver* and the setting... the middle of a swampy area. spectacular. and the happenings. a man, most likely accused of something treacherous deed, is lugging a small stone pillar chained to his wrists and is being banished. the towns-folk are following, the clergyman is reading from some holy book. i would call it the bible, but that's a horrid generalization. and then eventually, when it reaches the end, the man walks into the swamp, the stone pillar bringing him down, and he drowns. *sigh* is it weird that i get such a sensational feeling from watching another human being's misfortune?
so... yes. i am deeply in love with the music video to So Cold. and i'm sorry.
it's on almost every morning before i go to school, and i get to watch it before i venture off to the the bus stop. that's why my morning starts out so damn keenly. 'cause i get to watch one of the greatest videos in the history of rock.
but listen to me, i'm rambling on about a band that a majority of you guys don't even like. my most sincere pardons.
i just really...really... really want the Cd... i'd love to ask the parentals for money, but i detest depending on them like that. and, they wouldn't give it to me anyway. i'd like to earn the money, but i have no job. and i'm not willing to get one until i turn sixteen, so that i can actually work in a place that i like to work in. because the places that do hire fifteen year olds, arent places that i'd enjoy being a part of.
ifyou want to win a place in my heart, because you're so sick like that... buy me the breaking benjamin cd "we're not alone" ...the explicit version ;)
i'm just kidding. i'll find a way to get it... somehow.
Colleen
Posted at 02:59 pm by crows_vein
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
sad to admit i need someone
upset
music: {the smashing pumpkins - "vanity"}
i think i've got a case of bipolarity.
i was in such a good mood today. i was so happy, nothing was bothering me at all. now i'm just messed up.
biology was great, i love mr ritacco, he's one of my best teachers i have ever had. gym wasn't all that bad. good actually, the only thing that bugged me was when keri wrote on brittany's hand with a blue highlighter. "i love keri more than colleen." i know she was joking around, she's a kidder. it shouldn't have bothered me, but it really did. no matter how much i try to deny it. i don't care if brittany really does love keri more than she loves me. i just don't like the thing keri implied when she wrote it. that she felt she was competing in significance with me. yes, she was playing around, she couldn't really mean anything by it; i understand that perfectly. but still, it made me feel really bad.
but then my day got better. global was so absolutely lovely. we all of a sudden started talking about pōrn star names. you can get one by combining the name of your first pet and your mother's maiden name. mine would be Cookie Garcia. spiffy, is it not? (after this entry, leave me a comment including what your pōrn star name would be)
then in airbrushing, i got to use new and thicker paint. i like it much better than the other thin stuff we had to use before. i used red and navy blue and made a little picture for moira. i showed it to her when i picked her up from school and she loved it.
then lunch. omfg, lunch was so awesome. we were all talking about what tom would do if he didn't have a pźnis. he said he'd (and i quote) "cry for 2 or 3 hours and then experiment with whatever else felt good." lol, at this said, i started laughing like crazy and almost fell off my seat. then jessica b, amanda something, and i were trying to get tom to figure out what his name meant. as in T.O.M. (come on ladies, you know what i'm talking about) he didn't get it. nor did chris bode. actually, none of the guys at the table knew what it meant. sadly, neither did samantha. i had to whisper it to her, and then she turned flush red. she's such a sweetie, much love for her. then after like 10 minutes of giving hints, tom understood it. not much of a shocked expression as i'd expect. but hey, he's a little perv, how much can he find shocking? and then we also got into the discussion of how a woman's breāsts can get in the way of everyday activities. lmfao, it was so very hilarious. jessica told us that when she lies down to watch tv, she can't see anything because her wrack is in the way. and tom said it happened to him too. (i'm laughing maniacally just thinking about it) sara, convinced she doesn't have a big chest, says that it never happens to her. then she asked me if it happened to me. i simply just answered "i wouldn't know, i don't watch tv lying down." this brought several moments of amusement to the table. and then timmy k was trying to get rid of his chicken nuggets because he didn't want them. he was obliviously saying "anyone want my nuggets?" jessica and i established that the word "nuggets" is very, very dirty. and sounds like a term for balls. so then she offered him 5 dollars to go visit another table and ask random people if they wanted to eat his nuggets. he was much too shy to do so, and tom, having no shame what so ever, offered to do it for him. he did. he went to the neighboring table and asked them if they wanted to eat his lovely nuggets. sara tagged along carrying a sign that read "eat his nuggets" and the table that was randomly chosen started laughing and making disturbed faces. so did i. i couldn't breathe.
then, because they didn't want to ingest his nuggets, he came back to our table and ate them himself. jessica wrote on a piece of paper "he ate his own nuggets" and threw it at the people who refused to do so. now...whenever i hear the word "nuggets" i think of something bad. ~_o i can never set food in a McDonald's again.
then on the way to english, i ran into brittykins and she gave me a note journal just for us. we're going to write things in it and transfer it back and forth. i thought of it as a big deal, even though i shouldnt... but it makes me feel special and loved and appreciated. i'm important enough to share such a sacred ritual she once did with her ex-boyfriend. (you + him= NO!!!)
and now... i just feel really fūcking cruddy. for many reasons, that i don't want to share. i assume i'm really angry with myself that i still like tom. i know i really shouldn't like him, i shouldn't feel these things... but wtf i can't do anything about it.
i don't know what it is i'm feeling, really. i guess a majority of it is loneliness. vulnerability. regret. but mostly loneliness. i need someone. yea, i got brittany, but she's merely my best friend, and i'm not a Iesbian. (despite how much i joke about it) when i say i need someone, i think i mean i need a boyfriend. it's a bad feeling, i detest thinking that i need dependence on a male figure. but... wtf can i say? alright..i might not need a boyfriend...but i need something. someone. someone i can hold, someone who can hold me and comfort me when i'm upset. it's really discouraging in the morning at the cafeteria. ari is sitting on adam's lap. alex is hugging his new lady, who i am not acquainted with, steve and jaime are all cuddly. and then there are more couples that i don't know, but nevertheless, they still make me feel alone more than anything else. i want to say that i have brittany to be alone with. but no. she is indeed now learning again the curse of being single, after 8 months with he-who-shall-not-be-named, but i don't know. it still feels like she's going out with him, as if they never broke up, considering there's a or he might want her back.
i guess i'm just destined to be alone, and to go through loneliness alone. sure a lot of my friends are single, but they are too strong to depend on a boyfriend. me, i'm a weakling. i'm fragile and easily bruised. (in both a figurative and literal sense)
i need someone.
too bad they don't sell people on eBay.
off to go do homework, then study for a bio test. then watch a little tv, make moira's lunch for school tomorrow, make her dinner, give dad some dinner, give moira a shower, do a couple loads of laundry, (mom's in mexico, i'm the primary care-giver for the next week and a half) and then groom myself... ta ta.
Colleen
Posted at 05:16 pm by crows_vein
Monday, September 13, 2004
don't be angry with me, people. but i've come to the conclusion that i still like tom. not as much as before, but it still counts as something.
i deserve to be taken out into the street and beaten with a bat...
Colleen
Posted at 07:37 pm by crows_vein
Saturday, September 11, 2004
A simple world is hard to maintain, it all unravels into a perplexity eventually.
Her time came sooner than one could imagine. She is torn into two directions, both sides pulling her in.
Whether to live in agonizing hatred or to throw the burden off her shoulders, she cannot decide.
Is she digging her own grave, writing her own eulogy... carving her own name?
Why can she not let this go... let the pain just fade away? The more tears she cries, the more her face looks like a painting. Reds, blues, hues of self inflicted anguish.
Nothing better to do but to sob. Wash the sting away. Sobbing will not get her anywhere, it will give her nothing. Nothing but a damp grave.
She is burying herself alive... but no one goes to her funeral.
Posted at 10:46 pm by crows_vein
machines never looked so provokative
1969 Camaro
Found this picture online. Looking for a 1969 LeMans. Got this instead.
Doesn't this car just scream "fūck me"?
For a real entry, scroll down.
Posted at 12:24 pm by crows_vein
blank
music: {ozzy - "crazy train"}
    
yesterday wasn't as superb as the day before.
had study hall with brittany (my lover), christina, steveness, colleen l., and jackie. mike was there too, and brittany felt kind of strange with him at the table. so did i, because i wanted to talk to him. just to say hi, you know. even though he shattered my best friend's heart into a trillion pieces, he's worth a few minutes of small talk, if any.
you know, the deal with mike... it's weirding me out. because i really am tempted to hāte him. after all the drama and agony and pain and suffering he put brittany through. but i just cant seem to pull it off. does that make me a bad person?
yesterday at lunch... well, adam transferred, he is no longer there. son of a bitch... he stuck me with tom. i love tom, don't get me wrong, but i find it strange being there with him. he's talking to sara and other people at the table. i dont talk to sara often, she's much too superior, so i was just standing their silently.
then mike, eric, and steve came into the cafeteria. supposed to be in the LGI for study hall, rebellious children they be. i was very relieved to see them however. because i was highly bored and feeling a tidbit odd with no one to talk to. so i tackled them all, screaming for them not to leave again because i was so tired of being alone. (for once)
eric isn't that bad of a person. he's quite a spiffy fellow. definitely entertaining, i must say.
so yes, it was a circle of tom, mike, eric, and me. me being the only femme and the shortest. samantha, tom's awesomely awesome younger sister, entered the circle a few times, so it wasn't all that bad.
it was interesting. not boring, at all.
i was sitting in a chair, and i spilt snapple on my lap. i just watched it drip...that's all. i was too lazy to react quickly. so when it finished falling onto my thigh, i got up without a word and stole like a thousand napkins from the lunch line. the cashier lady bitched at me. see this is why i detest sitting down. bad shīt always happens.
yea so when we were in the circle, it was silent for a while. then here came this.
Mike: (To me) You should get a lip ring.
Me: I want one. On my upper lip.
Mike: If you get a lip ring, I would so rāpe you.
i didn't have anything to say to that, so i just ignored it as politely as i could. it was a trifle unnecessary, i was shocked. even tom was a little surprised. i looked over at him and saw his eyes briefly widen. i know mike was kidding, and so did tom, but still... that's not something i want to hear from someboday. from my bestfriend's ex, no less.
tom invited me to a halloween party he's having on the 23rd of october. 8 days before the actual holiday, but he's got a good reason. samantha is making her confirmation on the 31st. plus, it was his parents' idea. i want to go, because i love anything that involves halloween, and i want to see my friends. and yet, i don't want to go. i don't know why. i guess its a conscience thing. *shrug*
i'm tired and bored. i have to...go do something productive. ta ta.
Colleen
Posted at 11:59 am by crows_vein
Thursday, September 09, 2004
depression sprung from sheer joy?
confused
music: none right now.
alright. alright...lets get down to business here, bitches. no icons, no nice little poetry pieces, nothing.
i started school yesterday. it was the best day of my entire life. so far. and trust me, i've had some pretty damn good days in my time. this...this however...takes the mother fūcking cake. not only the cake..the whole god damn bakery.
i saw all my friends. brittykins! my lover, i love you very much. we've got about 4 classes together. math, bio, bio lab/gym/study hall, and global. super spiffy.
now...hm...i was worried about the tom thing. the tom thing...the tom situation, the tom issue...the tom problem. the trouble with tom. well, what can i say? i saw him yesterday morning in the cafateria, and it felt as if we never kissed. when i gave him a hello hug, there wasn't emotional love/Iust behind it. it was like hugging a friend that i havent seen in a few months. it was great. i was just so happy that there was no tension between us.
lunch...lunch...lunch isnt bad. (im into repeating right now, wired on coffee) yesterday it was just me, adam, and tom. britt and everybody else have either lunch a different period, or have dropped it for another elective. so yea, it was just the three of us.
i've never been that close to adam. only spoke to him at melissa's party and a couple times in the halls since then. but yesterday we became pals. he's a sweetie. ariel better treat him nice ;D
i'm very comfortable with tom. i cant explain it...he...he's like one of my best friends now. he's still touchy feely, but i've established that its merely his character. he's not showing interest in me. he's just a flirty hands-on kind of fellow. i'm not into touching. hugging yes...but he touches my face a lot, and i have a weird thing about people touching my face. i dont like it, i spaz out when they do so. then he kept touching my stomach, poking me a lot. i was going to kick him in the nads, but i'm a gentle pacifist. i would never forgive myself for bringing physical pain onto another human being. its fun to watch though...just not to do.
so yes, tom is merely a great and close friend. i have feelings for him yes, but they're dying down. they're realizing their waywardness. and the affection that i once felt for him has turned into a friendly emotion. i love him yes, but i love him like i love brittany. not like i love brian molko ;)
today was great. today topped yesterday. lunch was especially good. i made some new buds. tom's sister. samantha. she's very nice, absolutely sweet. and a freshman. then sal (ambers brother, who is now a freshman too) came to join our little group, because his friends arent in his lunch. so we formed a circle and played hacky sack. actually, i watched, everyone else played. DUDE tom sucks now. he didnt practice over the summer, and lol, now he's not as good as he was before. i remember last year...fūck, he kept on showing off with his hacky sack skills...now he's got nothing to show off. HAHA what goes up must come down. but i still love him. not the way i used to though. lets just make that clear. I AM OVER TOM.
so yea, lunch was a great time. i loved it, we all laughed. tom's sister is great, i have no idea how she can be related to him. i'm not saying tom is a bad person. he's a good friend. a great friend, actually, but nothing more than that.
and i'm worried. i'm very worried. my life is great right now. there is nothing wrong with it. i love all my teachers, i get to see all my friends. my schedule is super. nothing is wrong with it. my home life is getting better. still my mom is constantly complaining about my complexion and female flaw that N0Turs has commented on (no its not a birthmark. birtmarks are pie compared to this flaw). but i'm okay with it. there are a lot of things that should be bugging me right now, but they're not. and i'm scared. everything is so perfect, and i'm just worried that eventually it will all plummet to its doom. and i will be in a state of sadness forever....
i'm going to go take a shower. it'll help me think. bye.
Colleen
Posted at 07:31 pm by crows_vein
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Sick of my sighs being the only things i hear.
Tired of the world excluding me from its ignorant joy.
Irritated with the constant calling of insanity.
Hit me with your worst... I'll manage to get back up.
I think of pain as a privilege. It brings me the smiles I never once gained from comfort.
I don't need you to save me, to save me from myself... Your DISCORDANT motives have cut my strings.
I have fallen...but when I hit the ground...
I found your abandoned wings...
Posted at 07:19 pm by crows_vein
last day before the education begins
good
music: {idlewild - "you've lost your way"}
    
school starts tomorrow!!! should i be excited? well, i am, whether i should be or not. i can't wait to see my brittykins. i pray that i have some classes with her. because we had math together in the 8th grade, and that was just superbly spectacular.
i just did my nails. ick...why is black nail polish so thick and mucky? it could be the brand i'm using. NYC. but nevertheless... it's like i fūcking painted my nails with tar. holy christ... and it takes forever to dry. i'm still waiting for my toes to dry.
i need dark red nail polish. it's so purdy. i need a lot of things. mostly money, so i could buy all the stuff i need...but in order to have money, i have to either a: get a job, b: steal it, or c: ask the parentals. none of those choices work. the places i want to work don't hire fifteen-year-olds, i never get away with anything, and my parents are on a tight budget.
maybe i'll take start walking around airports with an empty soda can labelled "Donate to I-Need-A-Thicker-Wallet Fund."
oh, well, off to go groom myself. after these damn nails dry!
Colleen
Posted at 05:02 pm by crows_vein
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