I AM COLLEEN.
I'm Colleen.
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Sunday, September 19, 2004
there are no second chances
accomplished
music: {placebo - "ask for answers"}
Always falling to the floor...
Softer than it was before...
Dog boy, need your whôre...
Just who the hell do you take me for?
Credit to My Lover ;)
yes. today... i mowed the lawn. front, both sides, and back. and for someone as inactive and vegetative as me, that's quite a big accomplishment. immense, one might say. so post a comment leave me some mother fluffing praise you ungrateful wenches ;) oh and guess what! i started the damn mower myself. that's right, what now? i pulled that draw cord thing, and BOOM the little son of a bitch started up. muahaha, who's your mommy?
of course, it ran out of gas 3 times while i was in the middle of mowing, but hey... it's a man-made machine, so fûck yea it's going to flip out.
and you know what the beauty of it is?
i actually volunteered to mow the lawn. and i wasn't expecting my dad to refuse and say "no, no, i'll do it" like i normally would do whenever i volunteer for any type of strenuous physical activity.. but i really wanted to mow the lawn. yea, i know, i'm becoming... *tear* a good person.... as if that was ever in question. *hides devîl horns with a halo* haha... yea i'm hyper, and i didn't have any coffee today. *gasp*
anywho... moira's got a cold. she's coughing, sneezing, sniffling like crazy. she went through two bags of cough drops within 3 days. she hasn't gotten a fever or nausea yet, but there's still time for that oh so lovely part of the illness. she's not going to school tomorrow. she might go tuesday if she's better by then, but that's definitely a No. and if she's still sickly by wednesday, i have to stay home and nurse her while dad goes into the city for a business meeting. yes, i'd have to kill my perfect attendance record. God forbid.
uh... yea... that whole perfect attendance bit they've got all the students hung over..? it's total bull. i wasn't absent at all last year. not once. and i didn't get any special golden-bordered certificate for it. oh no. not even a slightly un-enthusiastic pat on the back at the least. they penalize you for being absent, but don't congratulate you for your presence. "being in school every day benefits the students, not us." yea, okay, they are a bunch of failures. just with cheap flashy ties and educational curriculum...
ah... hot green tea with a touch of honey, how you treat me so well. it's pure bliss, my friends, pure and untainted bliss.
le sigh... i'd like to tell you all that i have gotten over tom. but i can't really say that, that'd be a lie. and i tell enough lies daily, i don't want to add on to the list. not with a touchy subject like this.
i'm trying to tell myself that i don't really like tom for who he is, just for what he could be, but that'd be a bad thing. i don't even really think i like him per se, i think i just am showing interest in him again because i want someone. just someone. not him intrinsically. i just want someone. someone to fill in a void. (brittany knows what i'm talking about) but in order to fill in a void, there'd have to be something that filled it in the past. there'd have to be something there originally. but honestly... there wasn't. i've never had anybody in life to leave me empty. tom... maybe... but not really. because i lost him as a potential lover and he made up for it by becoming a really good friend. so there's no emptiness there. i just want somebody. its a simple request. i mean, even the most intolerable people in society have a significant other. why can't i? am i really that horrendous? am i really that bad of a person? am i really not that intrigueing? WTF is wrong with me? why can't i be so fûcking happy like everyone is (was in some cases)?
i'm not trying to draw sympathy from my readers, here, i want you all to understand that much... because i've lived (and am still living) my life without sympathy. i don't really need it. truthfully, sympathy is the one thing that brings me down lower than where i really am at a given point.
i'm going to quit bitching now, because there are some things in this world that you shouldn't spend countless hours doing. and whining... is one of them. ta.
Colleen
Posted at 08:03 pm by crows_vein
Saturday, September 18, 2004
revenge is a meal best served cold
went to the grocery store today. dad said we were going to stop & shop, the not-recently-built one. the one where tom and mike work. i was so excited! yay i had chances to see two of my very greatest friends.
but then my dad decided to go to pathmark. le sigh.
yea, today wasn't much of a day.
but i have discovered that Ramen Noodles are worthy of worship. i haven't eaten them in years, and today was the first time since then. ahhh t'was better than heaven, my dears. t'was much better.
i'm bored. and tired... off to go watch Someone Like You. Ashley Judd, Greg Kinnear... and *drum roll* Hugh Jackman! AKA the Australian god... that's not the only reason why i like this movie though. its funny, realistic, a modernized fairy tale. and that's something i need right now. something that gives me hope that somehow there's always a happy ending after a total fûck up... and ashley judd is one of the most talented actresses i have ever seen.
ta.
Colleen
Posted at 07:31 pm by crows_vein
Friday, September 17, 2004
coffee crumbs accumulating on kitchen counter
indescribable
music: {the libertines - "can't stand me now"}
    
i don't know how he can fûcking pull it off with such grace and charisma. i woke up this morning, and walked into the dining room, only to find week's old mail and catalogues piled on top of the table. cvs baggies and pizza delivery coupons. motorcyle magazines, V-Twin to be precise. pepsi cans, post-it notes, empty cigarette packages, and car keys. wtf, the man is a total barbarian. a slobbish primordial slug.
i looked into the kitchen, and what did i find? ants blanketing over the unwashed dishes, the left-over dinner from last night, and a major spillage of coffee bits on the countertop. they were in the formation of the rocky mountains...wtf?
i love my dad, i really do. but he's a hideous little parasite... who can't clean up after himself. and "i'm going to be late for work" is his worst excuse he ever came up with. considering he works from home!
god... maybe i'm a little OCD-ish, but if you saw my kitchen, you'd be reacting like this too. don't deny it, don't dare try to deny it!
so yea... i cleaned it up, out of habit. i would have loved to leave the mess there, just to spite mr. lazy, but i can't stand dirty surroundings. i loathe anything remotely related to unclean. i'm weird, so what?
fûck. i need to get a life...
    
i'll give you a more vivid update later. or whenever i can. moira wants some quality sister time, after i spent 3 hours cleaning and doing laundry. if she wasn't 5 years old, i'd beat her up for being such a pain in the ass. but alas, i cannot harm her. i don't even think i would if i could. it's just fun to pretend to be a violent little rat. ta.
Colleen
Posted at 04:29 pm by crows_vein
Thursday, September 16, 2004
time wounds all heels + edit
mood: too many at a time, and not enough patience to post all of them.
music: {marilyn mansôn - "personal jesus"} <~beautiful song, even more beautiful vid.
    
i can totally picture myself being a house wife. is that a bad thing?
i like cleaning... i like washing the dishes while listening to iO music choices (alternative, baby). i like doing laundry, sorting through the clothes and folding them. i like fixing up meals for my dad and little sister, i like taking out the trash, getting the mail, cleaning up after moira. i happen to enjoy the idea of taking care of a family of my own... i'm so fûcking weird.
yesterday's lunch period was full of flashbacks. well, maybe just one in particular. but nonetheless, it was significant enough for it to make me want to run away and cry. i was really tired, and upset for a majority of the time, so i just huddled in my seat, all quiet and introverted... tom came around the table and sat next to me. he kept on asking what was wrong. god, it felt good just having him act concerned. then he tried cheering me up. by giving me another shoulder massage. that stupid son of a bitch... why did he have to go on and do that? it only made me feel worse. i don't like massages because i do like them. too much. i don't fancy feeling pleasure, its not normal for me. but my shoulders were hurting, and the touch of his hands really was comforting. you have no idea how much fûcking self control it took not to throw myself onto him. but, alas, i'm not that kind of person. sometimes i wish i was. just to see what its like. yea, so what, i always wonder what its like to be a sIut. not in good terms, however, i must say. oh wtf... i'm going to go take a nap. sleep is good. i took like 3 naps yesterday. didn't really help, but it still felt great.
so yes, after my short sleepy time, i have to go do some homework. make dad lunch. then clean up moira's room. and then off to go throw the clothes in the dryer. ta ta.
Colleen
[Edit]
i'm watching the breaking benjamin vid on window's media player. i'm going to cry. i'm sorry, it's just one of the most beautiful songs my ears have ever had the privilege to absorb. i listened to the CD's clips on samgoody.com and i've established that i really...really...really want it. i'm going to start taking donations so i can raise enough to buy it. i'm a loser, yes, i can't argue that. but come-fûcking-on. have you heard this song before?
the video makes me cry. it literally brings me to tears. for many reasons actually. you can see ben burnley's tongue ring is one of them... *quiver* and the setting... the middle of a swampy area. spectacular. and the happenings. a man, most likely accused of something treacherous deed, is lugging a small stone pillar chained to his wrists and is being banished. the towns-folk are following, the clergyman is reading from some holy book. i would call it the bible, but that's a horrid generalization. and then eventually, when it reaches the end, the man walks into the swamp, the stone pillar bringing him down, and he drowns. *sigh* is it weird that i get such a sensational feeling from watching another human being's misfortune?
so... yes. i am deeply in love with the music video to So Cold. and i'm sorry.
it's on almost every morning before i go to school, and i get to watch it before i venture off to the the bus stop. that's why my morning starts out so damn keenly. 'cause i get to watch one of the greatest videos in the history of rock.
but listen to me, i'm rambling on about a band that a majority of you guys don't even like. my most sincere pardons.
i just really...really... really want the Cd... i'd love to ask the parentals for money, but i detest depending on them like that. and, they wouldn't give it to me anyway. i'd like to earn the money, but i have no job. and i'm not willing to get one until i turn sixteen, so that i can actually work in a place that i like to work in. because the places that do hire fifteen year olds, arent places that i'd enjoy being a part of.
ifyou want to win a place in my heart, because you're so sick like that... buy me the breaking benjamin cd "we're not alone" ...the explicit version ;)
i'm just kidding. i'll find a way to get it... somehow.
Colleen
Posted at 02:59 pm by crows_vein
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
sad to admit i need someone
upset
music: {the smashing pumpkins - "vanity"}
i think i've got a case of bipolarity.
i was in such a good mood today. i was so happy, nothing was bothering me at all. now i'm just messed up.
biology was great, i love mr ritacco, he's one of my best teachers i have ever had. gym wasn't all that bad. good actually, the only thing that bugged me was when keri wrote on brittany's hand with a blue highlighter. "i love keri more than colleen." i know she was joking around, she's a kidder. it shouldn't have bothered me, but it really did. no matter how much i try to deny it. i don't care if brittany really does love keri more than she loves me. i just don't like the thing keri implied when she wrote it. that she felt she was competing in significance with me. yes, she was playing around, she couldn't really mean anything by it; i understand that perfectly. but still, it made me feel really bad.
but then my day got better. global was so absolutely lovely. we all of a sudden started talking about pôrn star names. you can get one by combining the name of your first pet and your mother's maiden name. mine would be Cookie Garcia. spiffy, is it not? (after this entry, leave me a comment including what your pôrn star name would be)
then in airbrushing, i got to use new and thicker paint. i like it much better than the other thin stuff we had to use before. i used red and navy blue and made a little picture for moira. i showed it to her when i picked her up from school and she loved it.
then lunch. omfg, lunch was so awesome. we were all talking about what tom would do if he didn't have a pênis. he said he'd (and i quote) "cry for 2 or 3 hours and then experiment with whatever else felt good." lol, at this said, i started laughing like crazy and almost fell off my seat. then jessica b, amanda something, and i were trying to get tom to figure out what his name meant. as in T.O.M. (come on ladies, you know what i'm talking about) he didn't get it. nor did chris bode. actually, none of the guys at the table knew what it meant. sadly, neither did samantha. i had to whisper it to her, and then she turned flush red. she's such a sweetie, much love for her. then after like 10 minutes of giving hints, tom understood it. not much of a shocked expression as i'd expect. but hey, he's a little perv, how much can he find shocking? and then we also got into the discussion of how a woman's breâsts can get in the way of everyday activities. lmfao, it was so very hilarious. jessica told us that when she lies down to watch tv, she can't see anything because her wrack is in the way. and tom said it happened to him too. (i'm laughing maniacally just thinking about it) sara, convinced she doesn't have a big chest, says that it never happens to her. then she asked me if it happened to me. i simply just answered "i wouldn't know, i don't watch tv lying down." this brought several moments of amusement to the table. and then timmy k was trying to get rid of his chicken nuggets because he didn't want them. he was obliviously saying "anyone want my nuggets?" jessica and i established that the word "nuggets" is very, very dirty. and sounds like a term for balls. so then she offered him 5 dollars to go visit another table and ask random people if they wanted to eat his nuggets. he was much too shy to do so, and tom, having no shame what so ever, offered to do it for him. he did. he went to the neighboring table and asked them if they wanted to eat his lovely nuggets. sara tagged along carrying a sign that read "eat his nuggets" and the table that was randomly chosen started laughing and making disturbed faces. so did i. i couldn't breathe.
then, because they didn't want to ingest his nuggets, he came back to our table and ate them himself. jessica wrote on a piece of paper "he ate his own nuggets" and threw it at the people who refused to do so. now...whenever i hear the word "nuggets" i think of something bad. ~_o i can never set food in a McDonald's again.
then on the way to english, i ran into brittykins and she gave me a note journal just for us. we're going to write things in it and transfer it back and forth. i thought of it as a big deal, even though i shouldnt... but it makes me feel special and loved and appreciated. i'm important enough to share such a sacred ritual she once did with her ex-boyfriend. (you + him= NO!!!)
and now... i just feel really fûcking cruddy. for many reasons, that i don't want to share. i assume i'm really angry with myself that i still like tom. i know i really shouldn't like him, i shouldn't feel these things... but wtf i can't do anything about it.
i don't know what it is i'm feeling, really. i guess a majority of it is loneliness. vulnerability. regret. but mostly loneliness. i need someone. yea, i got brittany, but she's merely my best friend, and i'm not a Iesbian. (despite how much i joke about it) when i say i need someone, i think i mean i need a boyfriend. it's a bad feeling, i detest thinking that i need dependence on a male figure. but... wtf can i say? alright..i might not need a boyfriend...but i need something. someone. someone i can hold, someone who can hold me and comfort me when i'm upset. it's really discouraging in the morning at the cafeteria. ari is sitting on adam's lap. alex is hugging his new lady, who i am not acquainted with, steve and jaime are all cuddly. and then there are more couples that i don't know, but nevertheless, they still make me feel alone more than anything else. i want to say that i have brittany to be alone with. but no. she is indeed now learning again the curse of being single, after 8 months with he-who-shall-not-be-named, but i don't know. it still feels like she's going out with him, as if they never broke up, considering there's a or he might want her back.
i guess i'm just destined to be alone, and to go through loneliness alone. sure a lot of my friends are single, but they are too strong to depend on a boyfriend. me, i'm a weakling. i'm fragile and easily bruised. (in both a figurative and literal sense)
i need someone.
too bad they don't sell people on eBay.
off to go do homework, then study for a bio test. then watch a little tv, make moira's lunch for school tomorrow, make her dinner, give dad some dinner, give moira a shower, do a couple loads of laundry, (mom's in mexico, i'm the primary care-giver for the next week and a half) and then groom myself... ta ta.
Colleen
Posted at 05:16 pm by crows_vein
Monday, September 13, 2004
don't be angry with me, people. but i've come to the conclusion that i still like tom. not as much as before, but it still counts as something.
i deserve to be taken out into the street and beaten with a bat...
Colleen
Posted at 07:37 pm by crows_vein
Saturday, September 11, 2004
A simple world is hard to maintain, it all unravels into a perplexity eventually.
Her time came sooner than one could imagine. She is torn into two directions, both sides pulling her in.
Whether to live in agonizing hatred or to throw the burden off her shoulders, she cannot decide.
Is she digging her own grave, writing her own eulogy... carving her own name?
Why can she not let this go... let the pain just fade away? The more tears she cries, the more her face looks like a painting. Reds, blues, hues of self inflicted anguish.
Nothing better to do but to sob. Wash the sting away. Sobbing will not get her anywhere, it will give her nothing. Nothing but a damp grave.
She is burying herself alive... but no one goes to her funeral.
Posted at 10:46 pm by crows_vein
machines never looked so provokative
1969 Camaro
Found this picture online. Looking for a 1969 LeMans. Got this instead.
Doesn't this car just scream "fûck me"?
For a real entry, scroll down.
Posted at 12:24 pm by crows_vein
blank
music: {ozzy - "crazy train"}
    
yesterday wasn't as superb as the day before.
had study hall with brittany (my lover), christina, steveness, colleen l., and jackie. mike was there too, and brittany felt kind of strange with him at the table. so did i, because i wanted to talk to him. just to say hi, you know. even though he shattered my best friend's heart into a trillion pieces, he's worth a few minutes of small talk, if any.
you know, the deal with mike... it's weirding me out. because i really am tempted to hâte him. after all the drama and agony and pain and suffering he put brittany through. but i just cant seem to pull it off. does that make me a bad person?
yesterday at lunch... well, adam transferred, he is no longer there. son of a bitch... he stuck me with tom. i love tom, don't get me wrong, but i find it strange being there with him. he's talking to sara and other people at the table. i dont talk to sara often, she's much too superior, so i was just standing their silently.
then mike, eric, and steve came into the cafeteria. supposed to be in the LGI for study hall, rebellious children they be. i was very relieved to see them however. because i was highly bored and feeling a tidbit odd with no one to talk to. so i tackled them all, screaming for them not to leave again because i was so tired of being alone. (for once)
eric isn't that bad of a person. he's quite a spiffy fellow. definitely entertaining, i must say.
so yes, it was a circle of tom, mike, eric, and me. me being the only femme and the shortest. samantha, tom's awesomely awesome younger sister, entered the circle a few times, so it wasn't all that bad.
it was interesting. not boring, at all.
i was sitting in a chair, and i spilt snapple on my lap. i just watched it drip...that's all. i was too lazy to react quickly. so when it finished falling onto my thigh, i got up without a word and stole like a thousand napkins from the lunch line. the cashier lady bitched at me. see this is why i detest sitting down. bad shît always happens.
yea so when we were in the circle, it was silent for a while. then here came this.
Mike: (To me) You should get a lip ring.
Me: I want one. On my upper lip.
Mike: If you get a lip ring, I would so râpe you.
i didn't have anything to say to that, so i just ignored it as politely as i could. it was a trifle unnecessary, i was shocked. even tom was a little surprised. i looked over at him and saw his eyes briefly widen. i know mike was kidding, and so did tom, but still... that's not something i want to hear from someboday. from my bestfriend's ex, no less.
tom invited me to a halloween party he's having on the 23rd of october. 8 days before the actual holiday, but he's got a good reason. samantha is making her confirmation on the 31st. plus, it was his parents' idea. i want to go, because i love anything that involves halloween, and i want to see my friends. and yet, i don't want to go. i don't know why. i guess its a conscience thing. *shrug*
i'm tired and bored. i have to...go do something productive. ta ta.
Colleen
Posted at 11:59 am by crows_vein
Thursday, September 09, 2004
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