I AM COLLEEN.
I'm Colleen.
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Sunday, September 26, 2004
wow. thank you to all those who posted their support for my latest entry. it really means the world to me. you have no idea how much easier all your comfort has made this. many thanks.
my two best friends, britt and ari, know and have accepted it gracefully. the only thing i worry about now is how my other two best friends, mike and tom, are going to take it. mike isn't a big deal. he's a super fellow, so therefore he'll be okay with it. i know that much. i'm just really scared of how tom'll react. but i won't know for sure until i tell him. so... tomorrow... i'll find a way. if i get him alone.
we're going to go pick mom up from the airport in a couple hours. woohoo. we spent the whole day cleaning on her behalf.
i have to say that i didn't miss her. it was cool without her. i enjoyed being put into her shoes. it was a great experience for me. and plus... it was a full two weeks of silence, so it totally kicked ass.
bye, my children. i love you all ;)
and thanks again.
Colleen
Posted at 03:54 pm by crows_vein
Friday, September 24, 2004
c'est moi... je ne soigne pas si vous ne l'aimez pas.
translation: this is me, i don't care if you don't like it.
i have decided to come out with a secret that i've been holding to myself since the 7th grade. i've been hiding it well, even the closest person to me doesn't know it. or at least i think i've hid it from her well enough. i'm not good at detecting those sort of things.
i don't want any of you to hold this secret against me. because i wouldn't hold it against any of you if that were the case.
i'm not straight.
and i'm not a Iesbian.
and no... i'm not bisêxual either.
i'm asêxual.
and i remember several entries ago... i told you all that i was giving up attraction to the human race and becoming an asêxual. that was a lie. because i was already one. i told that lie merely for the purpose of experimentation. i wanted to see how people would react. not many did, and those who did gave me their best wishes. so, the experiment ended and i decided to post that i was no longer an asêxual. it was wrong to lie and use such deceit, i apologize... and i am fully aware of my mistake.
...and on a couple of occassions i have mentioned having emotion for someone and i remember i also said something like "it's not normal for someone like me to have these sort of feelings." i guess that was a form of a hint. "someone like me" being "an asêxual like me."
i've been lying to everyone. i keep on saying "oh he's hot, he's cute, i want him." it's not true. honestly, i don't feel any kind of physical interest towards anybody. men nor women. i don't picture myself ending up with anyone; i imagine myself dying alone. and that's okay with me.
i keep on saying... "oh i need someone, i need a boyfriend, i want to be held." now, that's true. i do want to be held. but i don't want a boyfriend. i just want a friend, whether it be male, female, or half-llama person, whatever the fûck is willing to give me the support i need to get on through the day.
two guys making out doesn't "arouse" me, as people would figure, or as i act like it. it just merely intrigues me. it makes me smile, because it's such a beautiful thing to see. it doesn't get me going, wtf? nothing does. i'm not a sêxual person. in any way.
i've been hiding it from all my friends. i've tried to be like them. tried to check out the pretty people of the world with as much interest as they do. i try to make my mom think i'm actually interested in the male portion of the population. she thinks i'm a Iesbian because i don't stare at them at the mall or anything like that. she kind of loudly (almost screamed) called me a Iesbian in the middle of Target a while back. my mom's not the greatest person the world... she just doesn't understand me.
and no one does, no one ever has. and i figure that even after my friend(s) read(s) this entry, no one ever will fully understand me. but i want, after today, to be open with my asêxuality. no more lies, no more hiding it. i'm out of the closet. i don't care if they abandon me for lying. i just want to get this shît off my chest.
and that whole tom issue? ...
at the ending of last year, tom and i started getting close. he was flirting with me, holding my hand, hugging me all the time, giving me shoulder rubs... and i didn't try to stop it. i was alarmed, because no one has ever showed such affection for me. (whether it be distorted or not) i was going to tell him that i wasn't interested, that i wasn't attracted to him, and that i was asêxual, but i couldn't. feeling appreciated was a good thing for me. and when we kissed... that was indeed a mistake. it was a slip. i felt ashamed of myself. more than anyone ever could. think of it like this... a gây man... making out with a woman. it felt sort of like that. except i have no sêxual preference what so ever. so i guess that makes it worse.
when tom and i kissed... i was happy at the moment. glad that i had my first kiss before i reached the age of 30. and yet, i was really very disappointed for letting myself slip like that. it was the biggest mistake of my life. and now i'm worried that i'm going to grow indecisive towards my sêxuality, and then become confused. i made the decision of being asêxual when i was 13. i don't want to go back and forth and back and forth. that's stupid, pointless, and highly illogical.
and how i came across such a decision is indeed a very funny story... but i'll post that later.
so there you have it. i'm asêxual. sorry for all the misconceptions.
Colleen
(note: to those of you who find this entry controversial and have the urge to critisize me for what i am or of my intentions, i suggest you ignore the urge. thank you.)
Posted at 04:19 pm by crows_vein
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
love isn't like the mullet...
 
shocked and a little upset
music: {kittie - "what i have always wanted"}
my bad mood has just been brought to a worse mood.
i was talking online with brittany and we got into a discussion about tom. she told me that he slept with a guami person he met in california over the summer.
she thought i knew. but i didn't.
what he had told is that he met a lady from guam there and that he felt a connection. and he said he did something that i'd be mad at him for. and being the hideously oblivious moron that i am, didn't think he meant sêx.
i'm not upset because he did it. well i am, but not. if that makes sense. you would figure me to be upset that he did it after we kissed that summer. but no, i didn't expect him to think of me as that significant. but i'm angry that he did it. he's fûcking at 17. 17! not even old enough to buy cigarettes, and he's off screwing with people left and right. WTF? (i'm not just realizing this now, there have been several instances where he's mentioned sleeping around, i've just tried to deny it because i was head-over-heels for him at the time...)
also, i'm disturbed that he didn't tell me. everyone knows, says brittany. i don't like being the last one to know things, i really don't. it makes me feel out of the loop. even though i kind of am. but it makes me feel unimportant; unappreciated. and the fact that he thought i'd be mad at him for it, i don't get. i can't seem to grasp this concept; if i am not important enough for him to not go off and sleep with some person from a foreign country, i'm important enough to hide it from? i don't understand wtf is going on in this guys head. i deserve to know, whether i fûcking get "mad" or not.
and yes... it does kind of hurt me. we kissed, and now i know for sure it meant absolutely nothing. to him at least. because it meant the world to me, when it happened. and i look back at it, and i still think it was a great thing. because it was not only the first time i got to kiss someone, but it was the last.
i'm just really depressed now. for a fûcking stupid reason, yes, but its a reason nonetheless.
am i wrong? was it my right to be told when everyone else was? just for information, not effect?
and still... he's 17! what the fûck is wrong with the world today? now that i think about it... people are having under-age sêx around every corner. everywhere you turn, you hear something about a teenager fûcking with another teenager. just how corrupt is this world? i thought it was tainted merely to a certain extent... but now i see that its corruption is really limitless.
see i understand if love is involved... i've got no problem with that. but still... do we really know what love is? are really old enough to decide when its true love? what's the right age to decide? i'm not sure, because i've never really experienced a mutual type of love. i've loved, but i've never been loved. and i don't feel i ever will... not only are people fûcking left and right, they're falling in "love" while they're at it.
but i'm drifting from the point. are our brains mentally mature and capable enough to recognize love? do we see it plainly, or do we just think its love? how are you supposed to know? after you get into bed with this oh so special person? after they say it first? after you lie in bed and ponder about it for hours? or maybe after you watch an episode of a soap opera and listen to how many times they throw the word around... do you realize it when the only thing you think about is this beau of yours? does it come into perspective after someone asks if you are in love? how does this shît work?
back in the day... back in the old days... people just married and screwed around for the sake of carrying on with the species and family name. then some emotionally distraught person developed the wobbly concept of love and affection. it was like the whole theory of the world being round, no one believed it. but then they seemed to comprehend it. and then everyone started to fall into it. it was like a fad, a trend... one that never died off. love isn't like the mullet. it doesnt come into style and then come out. it stays in. we abuse the term, not really knowing what it means or how it came into society. what the fûck is the point of it all?
...hmm... i could just be bitter from the lack of this contagious thing called " ." ntagious it is, indeed, and i haven't caught it yet. have i grown immune?
Colleen
(sorry for my melodramatic teenage theatrics, readers, i'm just a little distraught myself... and i want one reader in specific to know that i did not mean for this entry to seem offensive, because i wasn't trying to refer to her case what so ever. truthfully, i was trying avoid it. sorry if it hurt you in an way, shape, or form. i'm just really messed up right now. medicine doesnt mix well with a questioning mind.)
Posted at 08:02 pm by crows_vein
unfinished portrait of bliss
    
sleepy sick uneasy thirsty nauseated
music: {the killers - "somebody told me"}
    
fûcking comtrex. doesn't work for crap. "kicks in after 20 minutes" the pharmacist tells me. yea, 20 minutes my ass. i took it a fûcking hour ago and i'm still congested. my throat still feels like its lined with sand paper. my head still feels like its being split with the back end of a hammer. my muscles are aching as if i just swam along the whole god damned western coast. and i'm nauseated. stupid ass mother fûckers, damn the comtrex company! a bunch of lying scheming pîss stains they are.
sorry for my obscênity. i get very angry when i'm sick. and it's annoying, because i'm normally a very un-angry type of person. but i get quite irritable when i'm sick, and i apologize if any of the language i'm using in this entry offends any of you. its just that i rarely get colds, and when i do, it hits me like a wave of cavalry onto an unsuspecting village of pacifists. and then the pacifists become rabidly enraged and start beheading the soldiers maniacally with blunt and rusty butcher cleavers. and then they shout their piercing war cries and start to skin the vulnerable army men alive with their own weaponry! ...ahem... yea... it's that bad.
so anywho, yesterday was uh... very eventful. but more imfortmative than anything else . i found out that brittany and mike got back together. i'm happy for them, i really am. but i'm worried. i'm worried that something is going to go horribly, horribly wrong, like some sort of government-based experiment, and then its going to blow up in her face. i'm not saying that the chances are bold. they're slim, but they're still existant. i don't want her to get hurt again, i don't think she can stand one more sword through her heart. and i can't stand to see her upset anymore. even though she's good at hiding it, i can tell when she's depressed.
she's curious as to whether mike "did" anything with the bettys he's had in the last two weeks. i'm concerned that if she asks him, he's going to feel threatened or angry or toyed with and he's going to feel unloved again and they're going to grow apart. i don't want a reinactment of what happened before. and i know she doesnt want one either.
bah, maybe i've got nothing to stress about. who knows? i just hope everything turns out keen. i remember when they first started going out; they were so great together. no problems. no doubts. no fights over miniscule things. everything was fresh and they were in paradise. and then reality struck them. hard. and then they drifted away from each other... and broke up. twice i think was. i have no idea. i don't keep track of the technicalities. just the basics.
eh, not much happened yesterday anyway. lunch was good. tom wasn't there again, neither was his sister *tear* but i've established that it's great to lose a source of familiarity sometimes. i've gotten closer to those that were once distant. jessica b and i have become good pals. she's a super person. very funny, and unique, and absolutely comfortable with herself. its amazing on how admirable she is. then that amanda chick. i don't know her last name. but she is positively sweet. a great personality for such a great person. just the way she speaks, there's something about it. a kind of "je ne sais quoi." her hand gestures, yea, she makes a lot of hand movements when she talks. so graceful. i love it. and then sara. sara is so cool, she's her own self. nothing bummed off some other character. its a fabulous bunch of people, and i really am grateful for them letting me join. i really appreciate it. they're really a great group of fems.
god, i'm such a Iesbian sometimes... oh and guess what! i actually ate during lunch. i don't do it that often anymore, i really despise eating in front of people. its like they're watching, even though they're not, but either way it makes me feel filthy for some reason. *shrug* so all i have during the lunch period is some sort of drink. a snapple. mango madness or lemon iced tea. but yesterday i ate an order of fries. *rejoices* i was hungry. what can i say?
grr, my throat is soar. we ran out of the good-tasting cough drops, and now i'm stuck with robitussin... heh the ones that work.
alright, off to go check on the laundry. then give moira a shower. and then take a nap. fûck i'm tired...
Colleen
Posted at 02:07 pm by crows_vein
Monday, September 20, 2004
well today was kinda-sorta spiffy. in the cafateria before classes started, i asked britt if i could share her locker with her. because mines all the way on the third floor and i can never get to it, its too far away and i don't want to be late to any of my classes. so she agreed, because she's so damned spectacular like that, and now we're locker buddies. yea, tom was sitting at a different table in the morning, i fought the urge to go sit on his lap... yea... i'm weird. then i caught a few words with the super-duper cool guy mike. he's a quiet young lad, i must say. then britt, steph, and i left before the 5 minute bell rang.
in math, someone took my seat, so i ended up moving back one. i like sitting in the far back, t'is fun. plus, i'm next to jaime, and she's an awesomely awesome lady.
bio was very entertaining. however, my lover wasn't there, so i couldn't share the fun with her. mr ritacco kept on making referrenced toward making babies with inanimate objects, and mastêrbating. he's a cool fellow. i fancy him just fine.
then advisory came. i fell asleep while jaime and colleen l blabbered on about jessica d flirting with steve. yada yada. i bought a snapple... and i know where the fûck it went...
lab was okay. britt came back from lessons, and she caught up on some notes she missed.
then off to french. french wasn't special. nothing there.
global. global was alright. i got to work with brittykins on some ditto thingy and that luke guy popped in a couple times. he's cool. go luke. all quiet and such.
then... airbrushing. BLAH. i detest it. i'm the only sophomore out all juniors and seniors. and not only am i the youngest, i suck. i mean, i can't effing work the stencils or the airbrush. i am utterly talentless when it comes to airbrushing. the teacher doesnt even come to see if i'm progressing, because she knows i'm not getting anywhere. i'm still on the stenciling when everyone else is working on freehand sunsets. AGH! its frustrating because... my dad is into motorcycles right? and he's decided that he's going to start building his own custom ones pretty soon. and he wants me to do the airbrushing jobs. not just pinstriping or coats... but the real artistic shading junk. he thinks i'm some kind of fûcking michelangelo. i mean, sure, i'm not bad with watercolors, maybe an oil pastel here and there, but an airbrush? please. i'm about as good with an airbrush as jim carrey is good with dramatic roles. i'm bound to fail this class... and it is really very discouraging. i don't want to mess up the paint jobs my dad gives me. so i asked ms. iaquinto for an airbrushing book, and she let me borrow it for a week.
then lunch came rolling on by. wasn't fun. tom wasn't there, so i had lost my source of familiarity. i didn't know any of the people at the table. except for jessica b, but she was busy talking with that amanda chick and alex's new betty... jackie, i think her name is. i don't know her very well, however she seems nice. but she took my chair, so she's on the bottom of my list. hah, yea its the small things that i judge people by. thats right. i judge. and dont give me that shît saying that "its wrong to judge people." yea, bite me, okay? because i judge, its a fûcking impulse. i try not to, everyone tries not to, but we all end up doing it sometime. i just happen to admit it when everyone else denies it for the sake of their pride. well, see, i beat you all, because i have no pride. haha.
anywho, jackie is alex's new betty. frankly, i think alex can do better. yea, she's pretty, she's nice, she's an uber-cool creature, but i don't know. there's something about her i don't like... i cant put my finger on it. and i feel that since i cant point out specifically what i dont like about her, that makes me a bad person. does it?
oh well. alex is a cool cat, i like him a lot. we were walking to our buses after school today and i passed by that lovely white '64 GTO in the parking lot. at least i think it was a '64. i could be mistaken, i think it was a '66. oh well, all i know that is was a GTO from the mid '60s. and it was drop deâd gorgeous. as we passed it, i screamed out "OMG It's the GTO." alex looked at it and said i had great taste in cars. i told him about my aspiring dream to one day drive a '76 Trans-Am, and we instantly felt some sort of friendly connection. he's a great fellow. he mentioned an '88 Monte Carlo, which i don't really like, and i told him how much i Iust after a '69 Camaro... alex is great, i love him. i used to have the biggest crush on him (more like an obsession) when he was going out with steph. and i have to say, no matter how much like tom he might be, he's still an outstanding guy. that jackie chick is by far the luckiest one around.
ah shiiiiit i have to go read some steinbeck book. i want to, dont get me wrong, it seems cool. but i'm tired. i want to sleep... maybe i'll sleep instead. the assignment isnt due til oct 22nd. i can put it off for a while. okay, so, off to go take a nap. ta.
Colleen
PS::: i'm wearing my super british underoos ;)
PS Squared::: i don't have time to proof read this entry, so sorry if anything is mispelt.
Posted at 04:27 pm by crows_vein
Sunday, September 19, 2004
there are no second chances
accomplished
music: {placebo - "ask for answers"}
Always falling to the floor...
Softer than it was before...
Dog boy, need your whôre...
Just who the hell do you take me for?
Credit to My Lover ;)
yes. today... i mowed the lawn. front, both sides, and back. and for someone as inactive and vegetative as me, that's quite a big accomplishment. immense, one might say. so post a comment leave me some mother fluffing praise you ungrateful wenches ;) oh and guess what! i started the damn mower myself. that's right, what now? i pulled that draw cord thing, and BOOM the little son of a bitch started up. muahaha, who's your mommy?
of course, it ran out of gas 3 times while i was in the middle of mowing, but hey... it's a man-made machine, so fûck yea it's going to flip out.
and you know what the beauty of it is?
i actually volunteered to mow the lawn. and i wasn't expecting my dad to refuse and say "no, no, i'll do it" like i normally would do whenever i volunteer for any type of strenuous physical activity.. but i really wanted to mow the lawn. yea, i know, i'm becoming... *tear* a good person.... as if that was ever in question. *hides devîl horns with a halo* haha... yea i'm hyper, and i didn't have any coffee today. *gasp*
anywho... moira's got a cold. she's coughing, sneezing, sniffling like crazy. she went through two bags of cough drops within 3 days. she hasn't gotten a fever or nausea yet, but there's still time for that oh so lovely part of the illness. she's not going to school tomorrow. she might go tuesday if she's better by then, but that's definitely a No. and if she's still sickly by wednesday, i have to stay home and nurse her while dad goes into the city for a business meeting. yes, i'd have to kill my perfect attendance record. God forbid.
uh... yea... that whole perfect attendance bit they've got all the students hung over..? it's total bull. i wasn't absent at all last year. not once. and i didn't get any special golden-bordered certificate for it. oh no. not even a slightly un-enthusiastic pat on the back at the least. they penalize you for being absent, but don't congratulate you for your presence. "being in school every day benefits the students, not us." yea, okay, they are a bunch of failures. just with cheap flashy ties and educational curriculum...
ah... hot green tea with a touch of honey, how you treat me so well. it's pure bliss, my friends, pure and untainted bliss.
le sigh... i'd like to tell you all that i have gotten over tom. but i can't really say that, that'd be a lie. and i tell enough lies daily, i don't want to add on to the list. not with a touchy subject like this.
i'm trying to tell myself that i don't really like tom for who he is, just for what he could be, but that'd be a bad thing. i don't even really think i like him per se, i think i just am showing interest in him again because i want someone. just someone. not him intrinsically. i just want someone. someone to fill in a void. (brittany knows what i'm talking about) but in order to fill in a void, there'd have to be something that filled it in the past. there'd have to be something there originally. but honestly... there wasn't. i've never had anybody in life to leave me empty. tom... maybe... but not really. because i lost him as a potential lover and he made up for it by becoming a really good friend. so there's no emptiness there. i just want somebody. its a simple request. i mean, even the most intolerable people in society have a significant other. why can't i? am i really that horrendous? am i really that bad of a person? am i really not that intrigueing? WTF is wrong with me? why can't i be so fûcking happy like everyone is (was in some cases)?
i'm not trying to draw sympathy from my readers, here, i want you all to understand that much... because i've lived (and am still living) my life without sympathy. i don't really need it. truthfully, sympathy is the one thing that brings me down lower than where i really am at a given point.
i'm going to quit bitching now, because there are some things in this world that you shouldn't spend countless hours doing. and whining... is one of them. ta.
Colleen
Posted at 08:03 pm by crows_vein
Saturday, September 18, 2004
revenge is a meal best served cold
went to the grocery store today. dad said we were going to stop & shop, the not-recently-built one. the one where tom and mike work. i was so excited! yay i had chances to see two of my very greatest friends.
but then my dad decided to go to pathmark. le sigh.
yea, today wasn't much of a day.
but i have discovered that Ramen Noodles are worthy of worship. i haven't eaten them in years, and today was the first time since then. ahhh t'was better than heaven, my dears. t'was much better.
i'm bored. and tired... off to go watch Someone Like You. Ashley Judd, Greg Kinnear... and *drum roll* Hugh Jackman! AKA the Australian god... that's not the only reason why i like this movie though. its funny, realistic, a modernized fairy tale. and that's something i need right now. something that gives me hope that somehow there's always a happy ending after a total fûck up... and ashley judd is one of the most talented actresses i have ever seen.
ta.
Colleen
Posted at 07:31 pm by crows_vein
Friday, September 17, 2004
coffee crumbs accumulating on kitchen counter
indescribable
music: {the libertines - "can't stand me now"}
    
i don't know how he can fûcking pull it off with such grace and charisma. i woke up this morning, and walked into the dining room, only to find week's old mail and catalogues piled on top of the table. cvs baggies and pizza delivery coupons. motorcyle magazines, V-Twin to be precise. pepsi cans, post-it notes, empty cigarette packages, and car keys. wtf, the man is a total barbarian. a slobbish primordial slug.
i looked into the kitchen, and what did i find? ants blanketing over the unwashed dishes, the left-over dinner from last night, and a major spillage of coffee bits on the countertop. they were in the formation of the rocky mountains...wtf?
i love my dad, i really do. but he's a hideous little parasite... who can't clean up after himself. and "i'm going to be late for work" is his worst excuse he ever came up with. considering he works from home!
god... maybe i'm a little OCD-ish, but if you saw my kitchen, you'd be reacting like this too. don't deny it, don't dare try to deny it!
so yea... i cleaned it up, out of habit. i would have loved to leave the mess there, just to spite mr. lazy, but i can't stand dirty surroundings. i loathe anything remotely related to unclean. i'm weird, so what?
fûck. i need to get a life...
    
i'll give you a more vivid update later. or whenever i can. moira wants some quality sister time, after i spent 3 hours cleaning and doing laundry. if she wasn't 5 years old, i'd beat her up for being such a pain in the ass. but alas, i cannot harm her. i don't even think i would if i could. it's just fun to pretend to be a violent little rat. ta.
Colleen
Posted at 04:29 pm by crows_vein
Thursday, September 16, 2004
time wounds all heels + edit
mood: too many at a time, and not enough patience to post all of them.
music: {marilyn mansôn - "personal jesus"} <~beautiful song, even more beautiful vid.
    
i can totally picture myself being a house wife. is that a bad thing?
i like cleaning... i like washing the dishes while listening to iO music choices (alternative, baby). i like doing laundry, sorting through the clothes and folding them. i like fixing up meals for my dad and little sister, i like taking out the trash, getting the mail, cleaning up after moira. i happen to enjoy the idea of taking care of a family of my own... i'm so fûcking weird.
yesterday's lunch period was full of flashbacks. well, maybe just one in particular. but nonetheless, it was significant enough for it to make me want to run away and cry. i was really tired, and upset for a majority of the time, so i just huddled in my seat, all quiet and introverted... tom came around the table and sat next to me. he kept on asking what was wrong. god, it felt good just having him act concerned. then he tried cheering me up. by giving me another shoulder massage. that stupid son of a bitch... why did he have to go on and do that? it only made me feel worse. i don't like massages because i do like them. too much. i don't fancy feeling pleasure, its not normal for me. but my shoulders were hurting, and the touch of his hands really was comforting. you have no idea how much fûcking self control it took not to throw myself onto him. but, alas, i'm not that kind of person. sometimes i wish i was. just to see what its like. yea, so what, i always wonder what its like to be a sIut. not in good terms, however, i must say. oh wtf... i'm going to go take a nap. sleep is good. i took like 3 naps yesterday. didn't really help, but it still felt great.
so yes, after my short sleepy time, i have to go do some homework. make dad lunch. then clean up moira's room. and then off to go throw the clothes in the dryer. ta ta.
Colleen
[Edit]
i'm watching the breaking benjamin vid on window's media player. i'm going to cry. i'm sorry, it's just one of the most beautiful songs my ears have ever had the privilege to absorb. i listened to the CD's clips on samgoody.com and i've established that i really...really...really want it. i'm going to start taking donations so i can raise enough to buy it. i'm a loser, yes, i can't argue that. but come-fûcking-on. have you heard this song before?
the video makes me cry. it literally brings me to tears. for many reasons actually. you can see ben burnley's tongue ring is one of them... *quiver* and the setting... the middle of a swampy area. spectacular. and the happenings. a man, most likely accused of something treacherous deed, is lugging a small stone pillar chained to his wrists and is being banished. the towns-folk are following, the clergyman is reading from some holy book. i would call it the bible, but that's a horrid generalization. and then eventually, when it reaches the end, the man walks into the swamp, the stone pillar bringing him down, and he drowns. *sigh* is it weird that i get such a sensational feeling from watching another human being's misfortune?
so... yes. i am deeply in love with the music video to So Cold. and i'm sorry.
it's on almost every morning before i go to school, and i get to watch it before i venture off to the the bus stop. that's why my morning starts out so damn keenly. 'cause i get to watch one of the greatest videos in the history of rock.
but listen to me, i'm rambling on about a band that a majority of you guys don't even like. my most sincere pardons.
i just really...really... really want the Cd... i'd love to ask the parentals for money, but i detest depending on them like that. and, they wouldn't give it to me anyway. i'd like to earn the money, but i have no job. and i'm not willing to get one until i turn sixteen, so that i can actually work in a place that i like to work in. because the places that do hire fifteen year olds, arent places that i'd enjoy being a part of.
ifyou want to win a place in my heart, because you're so sick like that... buy me the breaking benjamin cd "we're not alone" ...the explicit version ;)
i'm just kidding. i'll find a way to get it... somehow.
Colleen
Posted at 02:59 pm by crows_vein
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
sad to admit i need someone
upset
music: {the smashing pumpkins - "vanity"}
i think i've got a case of bipolarity.
i was in such a good mood today. i was so happy, nothing was bothering me at all. now i'm just messed up.
biology was great, i love mr ritacco, he's one of my best teachers i have ever had. gym wasn't all that bad. good actually, the only thing that bugged me was when keri wrote on brittany's hand with a blue highlighter. "i love keri more than colleen." i know she was joking around, she's a kidder. it shouldn't have bothered me, but it really did. no matter how much i try to deny it. i don't care if brittany really does love keri more than she loves me. i just don't like the thing keri implied when she wrote it. that she felt she was competing in significance with me. yes, she was playing around, she couldn't really mean anything by it; i understand that perfectly. but still, it made me feel really bad.
but then my day got better. global was so absolutely lovely. we all of a sudden started talking about pôrn star names. you can get one by combining the name of your first pet and your mother's maiden name. mine would be Cookie Garcia. spiffy, is it not? (after this entry, leave me a comment including what your pôrn star name would be)
then in airbrushing, i got to use new and thicker paint. i like it much better than the other thin stuff we had to use before. i used red and navy blue and made a little picture for moira. i showed it to her when i picked her up from school and she loved it.
then lunch. omfg, lunch was so awesome. we were all talking about what tom would do if he didn't have a pênis. he said he'd (and i quote) "cry for 2 or 3 hours and then experiment with whatever else felt good." lol, at this said, i started laughing like crazy and almost fell off my seat. then jessica b, amanda something, and i were trying to get tom to figure out what his name meant. as in T.O.M. (come on ladies, you know what i'm talking about) he didn't get it. nor did chris bode. actually, none of the guys at the table knew what it meant. sadly, neither did samantha. i had to whisper it to her, and then she turned flush red. she's such a sweetie, much love for her. then after like 10 minutes of giving hints, tom understood it. not much of a shocked expression as i'd expect. but hey, he's a little perv, how much can he find shocking? and then we also got into the discussion of how a woman's breâsts can get in the way of everyday activities. lmfao, it was so very hilarious. jessica told us that when she lies down to watch tv, she can't see anything because her wrack is in the way. and tom said it happened to him too. (i'm laughing maniacally just thinking about it) sara, convinced she doesn't have a big chest, says that it never happens to her. then she asked me if it happened to me. i simply just answered "i wouldn't know, i don't watch tv lying down." this brought several moments of amusement to the table. and then timmy k was trying to get rid of his chicken nuggets because he didn't want them. he was obliviously saying "anyone want my nuggets?" jessica and i established that the word "nuggets" is very, very dirty. and sounds like a term for balls. so then she offered him 5 dollars to go visit another table and ask random people if they wanted to eat his nuggets. he was much too shy to do so, and tom, having no shame what so ever, offered to do it for him. he did. he went to the neighboring table and asked them if they wanted to eat his lovely nuggets. sara tagged along carrying a sign that read "eat his nuggets" and the table that was randomly chosen started laughing and making disturbed faces. so did i. i couldn't breathe.
then, because they didn't want to ingest his nuggets, he came back to our table and ate them himself. jessica wrote on a piece of paper "he ate his own nuggets" and threw it at the people who refused to do so. now...whenever i hear the word "nuggets" i think of something bad. ~_o i can never set food in a McDonald's again.
then on the way to english, i ran into brittykins and she gave me a note journal just for us. we're going to write things in it and transfer it back and forth. i thought of it as a big deal, even though i shouldnt... but it makes me feel special and loved and appreciated. i'm important enough to share such a sacred ritual she once did with her ex-boyfriend. (you + him= NO!!!)
and now... i just feel really fûcking cruddy. for many reasons, that i don't want to share. i assume i'm really angry with myself that i still like tom. i know i really shouldn't like him, i shouldn't feel these things... but wtf i can't do anything about it.
i don't know what it is i'm feeling, really. i guess a majority of it is loneliness. vulnerability. regret. but mostly loneliness. i need someone. yea, i got brittany, but she's merely my best friend, and i'm not a Iesbian. (despite how much i joke about it) when i say i need someone, i think i mean i need a boyfriend. it's a bad feeling, i detest thinking that i need dependence on a male figure. but... wtf can i say? alright..i might not need a boyfriend...but i need something. someone. someone i can hold, someone who can hold me and comfort me when i'm upset. it's really discouraging in the morning at the cafeteria. ari is sitting on adam's lap. alex is hugging his new lady, who i am not acquainted with, steve and jaime are all cuddly. and then there are more couples that i don't know, but nevertheless, they still make me feel alone more than anything else. i want to say that i have brittany to be alone with. but no. she is indeed now learning again the curse of being single, after 8 months with he-who-shall-not-be-named, but i don't know. it still feels like she's going out with him, as if they never broke up, considering there's a or he might want her back.
i guess i'm just destined to be alone, and to go through loneliness alone. sure a lot of my friends are single, but they are too strong to depend on a boyfriend. me, i'm a weakling. i'm fragile and easily bruised. (in both a figurative and literal sense)
i need someone.
too bad they don't sell people on eBay.
off to go do homework, then study for a bio test. then watch a little tv, make moira's lunch for school tomorrow, make her dinner, give dad some dinner, give moira a shower, do a couple loads of laundry, (mom's in mexico, i'm the primary care-giver for the next week and a half) and then groom myself... ta ta.
Colleen
Posted at 05:16 pm by crows_vein
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