contemplative
music: {chevelle - "vitamin r"}
i have awakened my once-dorment love for Chevelle. i remember back in the day, about a year ago, i was completely infatuated with them. and i now see why. they are extremely talented, and i give them praise.
now on to the matter at hand. i don't know what i'm going to do with my life. the future, the long stretch of road ahead of me. that's all a blur to me right now. i've always been one to live for the moment and never worry about what's on the way. i evade it as much as i can. just like i am doing now.
i do know one thing though. when school starts, and i am confronted by tom... i'm not going to build up on the "potential" relationship that just might-be. i'm going to end it before it starts. if you know a disaster is headed for you, put a stop to it. it's like executing baby hitIer. and that's what i'm going to do.
you see, i don't trust my own judgement, never have and never will, but brittany has brought many things into perspective, the perspective in which i had fogged long ago. she made me recognize my own burried up thoughts about just what might happen. because of her concern for my well-being, i have established that i deserve better. and these are the few words that i've never said in my entire life. i've noted my non-existant ego and my lack of self esteem, but despite all that... i honestly do think i deserve better. maybe not spectacular, but better than tom.
and even if tom was the right person for me to endure a healthy relationship with, i'm not ready for it now. i'm at the peak of my confusion, high school years are the best. i don't want to wash them away by commiting myself to a walking pênis such as himself.
i do know one thing though. when school starts, and i am confronted by tom... i'm not going to build up on the "potential" relationship that just might-be. i'm going to end it before it starts. if you know a disaster is headed for you, put a stop to it. it's like executing baby hitIer. and that's what i'm going to do.
you see, i don't trust my own judgement, never have and never will, but brittany has brought many things into perspective, the perspective in which i had fogged long ago. she made me recognize my own burried up thoughts about just what might happen. because of her concern for my well-being, i have established that i deserve better. and these are the few words that i've never said in my entire life. i've noted my non-existant ego and my lack of self esteem, but despite all that... i honestly do think i deserve better. maybe not spectacular, but better than tom.
and even if tom was the right person for me to endure a healthy relationship with, i'm not ready for it now. i'm at the peak of my confusion, high school years are the best. i don't want to wash them away by commiting myself to a walking pênis such as himself.
i have also come to another conclusion. about that kiss. that kiss that he and i shared at jaime's house. the biggest mistake i have ever made. worse than turning down earth science a year early, worse than ignoring all my instincts in the past. nothing can compete for the Crown Of Fûck-Ups against that kiss. it's in the bag. i am ashamed of myself for being so naive and blind. i should have waited for someone better. i should have waited to share such a special moment with someone who mattered. tom doesn't matter. he's just a sêx-driven loser that i once found refreshing and adorable. but now i replaced those admirable feelings toward him with severe disgust and aversion.
when he approaches me this year for the first time...i'm not going to explain it to him. i'm not going to give him excuses to avoid his feelings being hurt. though my awareness for human emotion is indeed bold and explanatory... oh but nonetheless, i'm just simply going to give him the bracelet back and call it a day. if he demands explication, i'll give it to him short and brash: frankly, i'm just not willing to devote myself to a complete man sIut like him.
however, the bracelet was a nice accent. i like the way it looks on my wrist, now my right arm will be bare. oh well. things can be replaced.
that's the end of it. you won't hear anything about him from me any longer.
i've decided to put the ixnay on the Anglophilia movie script i was oh so passionately bound to. i'm thinking about something a little more realistic. a character i can relate to, not a bunch of seattle residents with perfect relationships and perfect lives. the characters i have conjured up in the past have always been based on a fantâsy of mine. they were how i wanted to end up, not how i am now. they were beautiful to society and successful in everything. the only problems in their way were the pre-made conflicts required for a story line. and that's just not the schtick i want people to see. i want them to see me. to see my pain, my joys, my priorities. not some super-fictional set of people in an artificial movie world. i want to depict the life that the Average Jane goes through.
and if i can't do that, i'll resort to some other plot. a Plan B. my current Plan B is much too detailed at the moment, i'll share it with you all as soon as i "vague" it up a little.
ta ta.
Colleen
that's the end of it. you won't hear anything about him from me any longer.
i've decided to put the ixnay on the Anglophilia movie script i was oh so passionately bound to. i'm thinking about something a little more realistic. a character i can relate to, not a bunch of seattle residents with perfect relationships and perfect lives. the characters i have conjured up in the past have always been based on a fantâsy of mine. they were how i wanted to end up, not how i am now. they were beautiful to society and successful in everything. the only problems in their way were the pre-made conflicts required for a story line. and that's just not the schtick i want people to see. i want them to see me. to see my pain, my joys, my priorities. not some super-fictional set of people in an artificial movie world. i want to depict the life that the Average Jane goes through.
and if i can't do that, i'll resort to some other plot. a Plan B. my current Plan B is much too detailed at the moment, i'll share it with you all as soon as i "vague" it up a little.
ta ta.
Colleen
